I can’t seem to sleep.
Too many thoughts running through my brain, all at once. Too many things, vying for my attention, all important, all beyond my ability to control, right now.
But I think…maybe I figured something out.
One of the reasons they all leave.
I’ve fallen in love many times, with different men, and yet- they all have ended up leaving me.
All except the one I haven’t been able to meet yet.
And, I think the reason is me.
Because I fall in love.
I always seem to. Easily, and completely.
My affections are easily engaged. Someone catches my eye, for whatever reason it might be.
Their sense of humor, their intelligence, their intensity, their smile, whatever the initial reason is…and I engage. A light is switched on in the back of my brain, way back in the primitive part of my psyche. Some instinct tells me that I need to know more, learn more, feel more.
So, I get to know them.
And, when there’s a true spark on my part, I start to care. I want to be there for them, emotionally, physically, all of it. I want to take care of them, and I want them to care back.
It’s natural, right? Wanting the reciprocation?
But, some part of them, for whatever reason, sees that need in me, and they think “How can she feel so much for someone so quickly? She must be flighty, and her feelings can’t be real. She’ll say the same thing to the next guy that walks past.”
And, they’re gone.
Just like that.
It’s happened too many times to be a coincidence.
One, said that he “just wasn’t ready”, that he never made any promises, that all the talking had just been…whatever. Maybe, he was reliving the past for a while, pretending we were still kids, & it was just for the sake of nostalgia.
One, said he’d never commit again, then proceeded to date me off & on for about 2 years, disappearing completely at one point, when it looked as though we might be getting “too serious”, only to show back up later, saying he missed me, but only wanting to be occasional “friends in bed”.
One, showed all the signs of wanting to really be serious, pushing the relationship faster than I was even really ready for, but I went along with it, thinking that maybe, after 20 years and us having been married when we were young, well, hell, maybe this time we had a chance to make it work. Then, he disappeared without any explanation whatsoever.
And one, told me that, after all the talking, getting to know each other, getting to care about each other, told me that he couldn’t be in a relationship with anyone, because he saw any close relationship with suspicion, and as a weakness that would hurt him.
All seemingly different reasons…all with the same result.
And the one thing they all had in common?
Me, caring about them.
Me, being alone again in the aftermath.
Me, picking up the pieces by myself, trying to figure out how I could be such a rotten judge of character, how I could consistently pick men with commitment issues, with so much fear.
And then, I’d trust again.
My special gift, impossible relationships.
And now, trusting someone that I’ve never met face to face, that I’ve been talking to for 2 1/2 years, waiting, always waiting for him to keep the promises he keeps breaking.
I try to love.
I keep the faith that somewhere, it’s out there.
But, it seems to be that only other people actually get to find and keep it.
And I stand here, outside, looking in the windows, my hands in my pockets as I walk past those happy lives, them completely oblivious to the person outside, envying their joy.
And I walk home.