Sometimes Weekend Insomnia isn’t my fault

I have insomnia a lot, mostly in the fact that – yeah I have trouble falling asleep, so I’m up late, but I also wake up 2, 3, or sometimes 4 times a night.

Not for long, just long enough to roll over, look at my clock, realize it’s hours before I should be getting up, & go back to sleep – but still, it breaks up my nights enough so that I normally only get around 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night on the regular.

And, weekends are usually worse.

Because I’m busy, and have shit to do.

Things I want to get done.

Things I want to enjoy.

Things I can’t seem to get accomplished during the week, like laundry (my dryer takes foreeeeever), and housecleaning, & grocery shopping & things like that.

Weekends mean all-nighters, a lot.

With a crash nap the next day, sometimes.

Yeah…*sigh* I know. Not healthy.

But, whatever.

I live alone. Who’s here to care?

Anyway, this weekend, it wasn’t really my fault that I ended up staying up late, and extended it out into an all-niter.

It started with OnlySon.

He changed his “visiting day” to Saturdays, so that we can actually see and interact with each other, talk a little, maybe, before he goes back to his dad’s. It was great, we went grocery shopping, which we both hate, so we riff off each other, & make fun of everything the whole time. When we came back, we talked gaming for a while, which we both enjoy, & made chocolate-covered potato chips together. (I’m using them for gift-giving this year, & he’s not much of a sweets eater, so it was just the making, not the snacking)

We had hours actually together, which we don’t really get, and it was – – great. It was just, really, super nice to have my son back for a while.

Not long after he left, I got a phone call from YoungerDaughter, she was on her way home from a friend’s house after some holiday activities, & wanted me to be her late-night phone buddy while she drove a very lonely, long stretch of road.

So we talked for a couple of hours as she drove home, from the town where she was, to the city she lives in a couple hours away.

By this time, it was already after midnight, and I’d hit my second wind and was good to go for a few more rounds.

And…Just as she was pulling into her driveway…my Beloved Nephew calls & my call waiting beeps!

No rest for the wicked, right?

I’m absolutely NOT going to turn down a phone call from Beloved Nephew, and the daughter is now safely home, so I hang up with her & call him back.

….

By the time I get off the phone with Beloved Nephew, it’s about 3:30 am.

Why the hell would I sleep now? Sun’s going to be up in a couple hours, & I was in the middle of a pretty good book on my Kindle.

ANYWHO… I started receiving texts from my highschool best friend about 9:30, so she & I chatted through text for a bit. She loves over-tired, insomniac me, says I’m hilarious.

Then, yes, I crash-napped for a bit.

Fell asleep around 11:30, woke up around 3:30, & here I am.

Oh, I’ll sleep tonight, even with the nap, never fear. It’ll be the same, broken, woken sleep…

But, sometimes?

Honestly, the insomnia really isn’t my fault.

But I love them.

And I wouldn’t change a damned thing.

Call me anytime, fam. You know I’m here.

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Why I Hate Insomnia

I broke my phone on Thursday.
Dropped it into the sink (no, not full of water), & gave the damn thing an aneurysm.  If I had the headphones plugged in, I could answer calls, but the screen was stone dead.

No making calls, no social media, no blog, no pictures, no texting.

Oh sure, I was able to log into my social media & blog on my laptop, once I got home…

But any texts I had on my phone are looong gone.  None of that saves to the cloud.

So, yesterday, I filed an insurance claim, & my new phone was delivered today.

A trip to the anxiety – ridden & claustrophobically populated mall later, & said replacement was up & running.

3 hours of updating & re-downloading all the apps I had before (nope, still don’t have it all back the way it was), & I’m once more feeling marginally more in control of my life again.

Fast forward to now…why aren’t I sleeping?

Fucked if I know.

All I know, is that my nerves feel scraped raw, I’m on the verge of tears, & I’m pretty sure at least part of this is from having gone more than 24 hours without my phone.

Yes, I have no trouble admitting it.  I depend on my phone.  I don’t have a landline in my house.  I actually thought about everything this little box does for me, & it’s awe-inspiring.

It’s a clock, alarm, phone (derp), address book, calender, shopping list, magazine, television, news source, encyclopedia,  dictionary  (for those spelling emergencies), timer, level (yes, I have a bubble level on my phone, & yes, I’ve used it), flashlight, house alarm system, bank,  radio, diary (like, right now), camera, photo album, instant messenger, TEXTS, blah, blah, blah… in short,  as I told my supervisor on Friday “it is the sum of human knowledge. ..and I DON’T HAVE IT!”

I felt like Gollum wringing his hands & crying about tricksy hobbitses & his precious.

And now, I have my replacement phone.

I should be sleeping.
But anxiety doesn’t work like that.

So, I’m up, & over thinking Every. Damn. Thing.

Aaagh.

Shaky Days

I’ve been avoiding posting, for a while. These last couple weeks have been anxiety-ridden, and I simply haven’t felt much like writing about it.  My medication has been pretty much all that’s held me from vibrating to pieces.

The days have been shaky & full of equal parts joyous anticipation – and wary dread.

The nights have been riddled with insomnia & over analyzation.

The tension hasn’t ended; in fact, it’s still growing,  because the time is drawing near for E to arrive.

And I’m not completely sure how I am going to handle it.

What if he’s disappointed? What if, after all this time… it’s not everything he wanted? What if I’m not everything he’s built me up to be?

What if I fall off the pedestal he’s put me on?

Please…Goddess…let him love me for who I really am.

2 years of talking.
Please don’t let this be in vain.

Don’t break my heart -again.

Please.

Late Night

In the still darkness of the night
In the small hours I sit
Unable to sleep
Thinking
Wondering
Pondering on
Wishing I could close my eyes
And rest
Peaceful
Quiet
Relaxed
But the silence is so loud
It rings in my head
A muffled bell that tolls
Reverberating
Shaking thoughts loose
The echo lingers
And clings though I yawn
Eyes heavy, I struggle
Stop
Be still
Be calm
Sleep.
Please.

Insomniac Ramblings

Sometimes I think I think too hard.

I worry, I overthink, I analyze, I pick-apart.  I try to break conversations down to their smallest components, searching for hidden messages and meanings, never just taking things at face value.

I love words.  I string them together in the same manner as a child stringing buttons for simple amusement.  Watching the play of light on the colors as they fall together, listening to the clinking sound they make when you shake the string.  I take them back apart, not happy with the purple round button next to the green square button.  They don’t work, so off comes the whole strand, to start again.

It’s the same with the words.  I write them out, and when seen all together, I listen to the sound they make in my head as they would if someone were speaking.  If the music is pretty in my head, they stay.  If it clangs, discordant, they’re discarded and ground under as fertilizer.

But, sometimes, in the middle of the night, when my mood’s been low, or I’m busy avoiding something…. words can be my worst enemy.

Today started out wonderfully.  My mood from the previous night had lifted.  I was good to go, to start my day.  I was happy at work, joking with my co-workers, and being my normal snarky self.

Until — family drama insinuated itself.  Then, the rest of the day fell at my feet like shattered crystal.  I won’t get into specifics here, because, as I said above – I’m avoiding it.

I’m good at avoidance.

I should have majored in it at college, but I wouldn’t have made any of my classes.

I was taught how to avoid difficult emotional issues by a master, and I learned my lessons well.  Everything is seen through a smoke screen, and when the really tough stuff comes up – SLAM the door – hard enough to rattle the windows.  Run the other way.

And then, I can’t sleep. 

Because, even though I’m avoiding – it’s still there, in the back of my brain, gnawing.

It can hear its little mousy feet scritching and pattering along the walls of my skull.

In daylight, I can’t hear it so well.  The diversions and distractions of the outside world are enough that it blocks the sound of the worry, the stress and anxiety going on in the back of my head.  But, as soon as there’s a quiet moment… the tiny sound of  clawed feet.

And, instead of medicating it, I wallow. Yeah, something I need to work on.  There’s a part of me that welcomes this wallowing as familiar.  The emo-teenager that still lives within my skin loves the drama of it all.  The adult?  Thinks it’s stupid.  Just DEAL WITH IT, ALREADY.  Tell that family member what’s really bothering you.  Get it through your mind, out of your mouth, off your chest.  Just be honest, you’ll feel better.

And then I want to scream.  Knowing that the other person won’t listen, doesn’t want to hear it – she’s the one that installed the damn program in the first place!  Avoid, Avoid!  Danger, Will Robinson!

Crap.  I don’t want to whine about this anymore.  *waving hands in front of my face*

Forget it.  I wasn’t here, you didn’t see this.  Moving on. 

It’s 3 o’clock in the morning.  Do you know where your insomniacs are?

YouTube.

WARNING:  These guys swear a lot – and they’re LOUD But they know how to string the beads. (This is not the official video, but I love the kid at the beginning.)

i LOVE THEM.

 

Mercury, Sandmen and Spongebob Squarepants

Lost in the land of Insomnia again, I’ve been working overtime on losing ALL my marbles through the internet.

First off?  I actually did pretty well today, I said I was going to work on my novel, and I was able to kick out a whole chapter – namely, 2,405 words.  It was a great relief, being able to write again, and have the words simply come to my fingertips.  It’s been a while, and I thought I was going to hit a big wall, but it worked.  I blame the Smarties I snacked on.

(Interesting and totally pointless side note – OnlySon has always called these “Funnies”  I have no idea why, or where he got this idea, but hey, it kinda fits.)

(2nd interesting and totally pointless side note – In Canada, these are called “rockets” even though they look nothing like any rocket I’ve ever seen, and smarties are a candy-coated chocolate… sorta like an M & M – actually exactly like an M & M, except they don’t make me go MMMMM and MMMMM – Canadian neighbors?  Could you please call these things by their rightful names?  M&Ms make you go mmmmm, and Smarties are Funnies – case closed) 😉

I also spent a large chunk of time on Facebook this evening, chasing friends all over the pictures, theirs, mine, etc.  I felt like I was squirrel-herding, and the squirrels were winning.  That had to burn some calories, right?

Right.

So, in the end, I ran out of friends to post to on FB, everybody went to bed… slackers… and I had nothing useful to say here… until now, of course, so I ended up on – You Tube.

Someone please block YouTube from my computer?  I don’t have the willpower to do it, and I think I might have an addiction problem now.

I rifled through songs I wish I could still see on MTV, which should actually be called Non-Reality, Non-Music, Totally-off-the-Track TV, but I digress.

I watched Freddie Mercury singing about how “These Are The Days of our Lives” and how “The Show Must Go On” (gads, I miss him, he was a genius), and Pink told me it’s ok to be wrong in all the right ways with “Raise Your Glass”, and of course, my girl Katy Perry sang about my favorite “Firework”, while Sara Bareilles told me I’m not “King of Anything”, nor is anyone else, for that matter, and I ended up sniffling while John Lennon sang “Imagine” as Yoko opened up some curtains and stared off into space. (Why?)  Then, I went into superoverdrive. (Like I wasn’t already there)

I found old Beatles videos that flickered and jumped because they were just that bad black and white to begin with, I watched Metallica sing about “One” poor man, while Lars Ulrich played those wicked double bass drums, and then hit “Enter Sandman” for my EldestDaughter. (It was the only song that got her to stop kicking me while I was pregnant with her – still puts her to sleep 19 years later!) and I ended up, lo and behold, listening to Spongebob Squarepants sing about F.U.N. with evil superbuddyvillain, Plankton.

And now I have the song stuck in my head.

“F is for Fire that BURNS DOWN THE WHOLE TOWN”

“U is for Uranium BOMB”

N is for No SURVIIIIIVORS!”

(Yet another interesting and totally pointless side note – OnlySon used to have a Spongebob clock that sang this song.  OtherHalf broke it…by….accident – of course.)

So now, it’s 5:15 in the morning, I haven’t slept, I’m delirious, and I have Spongebob and Plankton singing about Uranium bombs in my head.

Where’s the Sandman when you really need him?

Oh, that’s right, he’s on YouTube.

Insomni-hunh?

I have been suffering from a mild form of insomnia for a long time now.

Trouble falling asleep.

Trouble staying asleep.

Trouble getting through the whole day without spacing out.

I know that I need to get more sleep, but when the time comes to go to bed, I yawn, I stretch, I find a comfortable position and snuggle up to my blankets and pillow…

And lie there, wide awake for a long time, before finally dozing off for a couple of hours.

Only to be woken up again, from a nightmare, or a noise, or just an uncomfortable shift in position.  I flip over, resituate, and try for sleep again.

To wake up a couple of hours later, yet again, even though it may be only for a brief moment, as I check the time.  If it says anything earlier than 7:00, I roll over and go back to sleep, or try to.

When the alarm goes off, I roll out of bed, exhausted and growly, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, not wanting to speak to anyone if I can help it.  Give me my Diet Coke and a couple of hours, and I’m fine – but first thing in the morning… grrr.

About 2:30 – 3ish, I hit the wall.  And maaayyybe catch a second wind somewhere a little later in the afternoon, or at least, around 9:00 in the evening. 

Barring allergies, which will make me not only exhausted, but extremely irritable and flash-tempered. 

On the weekends?  I don’t mind the insomnia, because it allows me to sit up, watching old movies, playing games, or writing.  And some of my best words happen at about 3 or 4 am on the weekends.  I get very lost in the fantasy-land in my head, where everything is slightly foggy and far-away. 

But during the week, this makes for some difficult days, struggling to just make it through till it’s time to leave for the evening.  I have to make sure and get up a few times, walk around the office, have interactions with people, just to wake up again – because after staring at the computer screen for a couple of hours, I feel like my eyes are burnt-sockets in my head.

I know the issues I face aren’t mine alone.  I know that others, friends, suffer from insomnia too.  I think part of the problem might be from SAD (seasonal affective disorder)  The lack of enough sunlight and warmth throws everything off.

But I can’t get right.  So I’ll struggle for a couple more months, fight my way out of this foggy bag of non-sleep.  And I’ll make it out the other side.

We play this game – sleep and I – every year.