Monday – and I’m Wandering

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So my brain’s wandering all over the place lately.  Here’s some of the places it’s gone.

*Saturday was a very long day.  I pulled an all-nighter Friday night.  Partially because I was talking to an old friend, and partially to see if I could still do it.

I’m too old for all-nighters.  Dangit.  41 hours awake is not good for cognitive processes. 

*But, I got our taxes done on Saturday.  WOOT!  It only took me a couple of hours (they changed the software on me, so I had to figure out the navigation all over again.) 

*I also got my new Linkin Park cd, called A Thousand Suns, and I’m totally stoked about it.  I have been obsessively listening to it, over and over.  Every time it restarts, I think to myself “Well, I’ll get over this soon”, and then…. I don’t.  It’s still good, still something new, every time I listen to it.  I love the guys’ voices, especially Chester Bennington.  Like a bell, that man’s voice.

I played it 4 times while I was working on our taxes.

*I have discovered… that there is one regret I have in my life.  But there’s nothing I can do about it. 

I also…. can’t talk about it.  It hurts too much, and causes too much confusion.

*I’m really enjoying teaching.  I know it’s not a formal type of teaching, my Wicca 101 classes, but I really get a kick out of seeing other people have that “light” turned on for them, see that there are other people out there that feel the same way.  that they see things sideways from the norm, just like me.

And I learn something new from them, every time, that I can use in my own life.  Which is the whole point of having classes.  Exchanging ideas and stories.

*I’m not going to make my deadline for my book.  I wanted to have 70,000 words by the 22nd of this month.  It’s not going to happen. *sigh*

I need to grab my muse by the scruff of her frilly little collar and sit her down for a long talk.

*I love North Dakota.  I don’t like the weather during this time of year, but I love the view.  Open, clean, clear. I got a really good look at some sundogs today, they were attempting to form a halo around the sun, brilliant rainbows shining through the ice crystals hanging in the air.  It was cold today.

I guess there is a certain beauty, even to the frozen parts. 

Balance, people, always balance.

And yes, I know, my van is filthy.  I need to take OnlySon and go for a ride through the carwash.  It’s his happy place. *shrug*

A Song, A Moment, A Card, and A Smile

Or otherwise known as Valentine’s Day – Perfect Day, Apocalypse, or both?

I had a pretty good start on yesterday.  I got surprise flowers from my OtherHalf, had a pretty good day at work, got flowers for my girls, and a gift of kisses (Hershey’s, since I’m no longer allowed to kiss him in public) for OnlySon. 

For some reason?  I didn’t eat supper.  Maybe that’s where I went wrong.  I’m hypoglycemic, so when my blood sugar drops, I get all shaky, weepy, and off-balance.  I’m not sure, but that could have been part of the problem of what came next.  Obviously, my brain was not working at full capacity.

YoungerDaughter worked after school today.  She works as a dietary aid at the local hospital, and I pick her up on school nights, as she doesn’t have a car.  So, when the time rolled around to go after her, I drove up and parked in the parking lot at the hospital and waited. 

My mp3 was playing, and I was fussing with my phone, when Linkin Park’s “Leave Out All the Rest” came on.  I’ve been obsessed with this band lately, and have almost all their songs on my mp3.  But I should have known better with this one song. 

This song is the strongest trigger for me as far as my friend Midnite is concerned.  It reminds me so strongly of things that she said to me over the years that I knew her, that it almost seems as though she’s saying them to my face whenever I hear it.  I thought I could make it through the song, now that it’s been almost 2 years since she passed away.

Well, I made it through the song, but not much further.  After it was over, I realized that I was sitting in the parking lot of the hospital where she passed away, and that was the pull on the trigger.  I had a moment.

A “Moment” is a code word that Midnite’s son, my nephew, and I use to signal that we’d been thinking about her, and were “temporarily emotionally indisposed” .

While this was going on, I was also talking with another friend, Sparrow, who had noticed a post I’d put up on FB about my moment, and how stupid I was to pull this emotional trigger on myself.  She’d immediately checked on me, making sure that I was alright.  She was one of the people that helped me make it through the aftermath of Midnite’s passing, and she’s always been just that thoughtful and amazing. 

Moving on.

YoungerDaughter finally finished work, and we drove home, where I found something lurking in my mailbox:

A lovely card from a lovely friend.

Just the sight of that bright pink envelope made me smile, before I even opened it, because I knew that whatever was contained within, it came from one of the kindest hearts I’ve had the pleasure to get to know in this last year.  And they would be good words.  Happy, heartfelt, make-you-smile words.

And I was right. 

Thanks, Lil k!  Just what I needed, just when I needed it most.

Seems like this is becoming quite the trend with my blogging family – Thanks, my friends, for turning the night back around to love.  Blog-family style.

The Music in My Head

It’s kind of funny, but I have music in my head most of the time.

And it all depends on my mood what’s currently playing between my ears.

When I’m up, happy, lights on the board all green and go, I’ll be listening to a variety of things, like Katy Perry, Sara Bareilles, Danny Kaye (yes, Danny Kaye) singing funny old songs, Gino Vanelli‘s Black Cars, the Black Eyed Peas, and a new group I recently found called Bond, which is a group of women that re-works classical music to sound waay more modern and just really cool.

If I’m in a contemplative mood?  It’s a lot of Enya, EKO, Classical (especially piano like Chopin, and violin like Tschaikovsky), and a few Japanese and Chinese performers (LOVE taiko drums, thanks).  There’s one Asian performer called Agatsuma, that plays a really wicked shamisen, sounds almost like an electric guitar!

A lot of the contemplative artists are also the ones that I listen to while I’m working on the novel.  I have a specific playlist I use for that, which is music I feel has an “airy” feel to it, or “drives” me to write.  Sets the mood and tone for what I’m working on at any given time.

If I’m down, then it’s generally the more emo-style of music.  Placebo works well for me when I’m depressed, as well as song called “Cut” by Plumb.  There are also a few songs by Queen, Sara Bareilles and Katy Perry that really help me to express those emotions, without actually screaming and yelling.  Even Linkin Park helps here, they have a few songs that aren’t as hardcore, and can actually move me to tears.  “Leave Out All The Rest“ in particular, as that is the song that I identify mostly with my sister and friend, Midnite.

If I’m angry, or have a stress headache (yeah, I know it’s weird, but it works for me), then it’s loud and forceful, usually pissed-off-type, music.  Pink, Linkin Park, Metallica, Godsmack, Celldweller, Fort Minor (which is an offshoot from Linkin Park, so there’s continuity there), AC/DC, Ozzie Osbourne.  The louder I can sing it, or have the drums pounding in my head?  The better. 

Really good drums always put me in a head-space where I can almost drift off to sleep.  I love drums, and as Sparrow can attest, it turns me into a drooling, vacant-stared goob.  But ack, I love it, and it seems to help calm my nerves, switches on the serotonin in my system, and generally puts me in transcendental state.  Oooh, look at all the pretty colors….

thump thump THUMP thump… just like a heartbeat.

And then, there are the random songs that squirm their way into my head.  Spongebob Squarepants singing his F.U.N. song, or It’s a Small World, or ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ by Big Bird.  And if you don’t know that one?  Here.  Yer welcome.
Oh, and notice – Big Bird’s head! I don’t remember it being that SMALL!!?!