Always Hug Goodbye

It was a whirlwind weekend.

My Youngerdaughter came home, as Saturday was her 25th birthday, & she wanted to see me & spend her birthday here before she & her boyfriend moved to Wisconsin next week.

Yeah, Youngerdaughter is finally spreading her wings towards new skies. Her boyfriend is going to be going to school there, & she’s been wanting to experience other places for a while now, before she settles down to family-life.

I was also lucky enough to have my eldest grandson, Schnicklefritz, here for the weekend!

He’s my snuggler, my buddy. And one of his big wishes for the summer was to spend time at my house, so YAY!

Yesterday was a FULL HOUSE.

My parents, Youngerdaughter & her BF, OnlySon & his doggo, & Schnickelfritz.

We had fried tacos & Texas chocolate cake for YD’s birthday dinner celebration, & everyone had a good time.

Except, my Mom dropped a family news bomb on me, but I’ll get to that.

Today…was difficult.

Today was all goodbyes.

Youngerdaughter & her BF left early this morning, and the hugs were choking and emotional, but I didn’t actually cry. Close…but no tears hit the ground.

Then this afternoon I had to drive Schnicklefritz back to his dad’s 75 miles away.

He didn’t want to go.

He misses his mom, his brother, his sister, his step-dad. He didn’t want to leave me.

His chin wobbled, and his eyes fogged up.

But Gramma’s are no-nonsense kind of chicks, you know, so I calmed him down & we got him home.

The drive home wasn’t so easy, alone.

Everybody was gone.

Yeah, yeah, I live alone.

I should be used to it, right?

Goodbyes suck.

And the family news bomb?

As I was making my daughter’s birthday cake, my mother told me that, not only is my uncle in hospice care with cancer, which I knew…

But so is his son, now.

My cousin who is 31 years old has only an expected couple of months to live.

And I won’t be able to go see them.

I can’t afford it.

I haven’t seen these family members in years.

Guilt, extreme grief, depression.

It’s at times like this, that I wish, when I come home, that there was someone here…

Someone who would put their arms around me, hug me, and let me know that I’m not always alone.

But that doesn’t happen anymore.

Always hug the ones you love goodbye.

Even if you know you’ll see them tomorrow?

Because…

Tomorrow isn’t a promise.

Ok?

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So I Stay Quiet

You know I love you, right?

The way I smile whenever you look at me

The way you can make me laugh

Even when I don’t feel like it

Especially when I don’t feel like it

The way you understand things about me

Most people don’t

You know I love you, right?

The way I shiver when you

Touch me

And my hands shake sometimes

When I reach out to touch back

How you always ask

If I’m ok

Even when I’m not

Especially when I’m not

And want to try to make it better

You know I love you, right?

Even though I can’t speak the words

Won’t admit it out loud

Not even to myself

Knowing there’s no way you’ll say them back

I’ll see that look on your face

The one that says

Good-bye

Again

And everything ends

So I stay quiet.

But

You know I love you

Right?

The Land of Fire

I’m walking in a land of fire

Coals scorching my feet

Sparks flying through the air

Smoke choking my lungs

I know that this trial is somehow necessary, that in order to grow, I must burn away that which has become burdensome. That I’ve come to another crossroads in my life, & I have to fight, to strive, to prove to myself that I am ready for the next step, whatever that may be.

But, Goddess, the fires are intense.

I’ve cut ties with someone I was speaking to. He wasn’t going to live up to his words, anyway. And, my heart was elsewhere.

It’s been tied up for years in someone else’s ribbons, & I don’t think it’ll ever change.

I’m probably destined to spend my life alone, because I gave my heart away to someone who will never show up to fully claim it.

But, if that’s the way it is, I’ll live with it.

My brother tried to make small talk through text about my birthday, as well. *sigh*

After years of issues between us, I’m not going to just forgive and forget everything he’s said & done. I’m not a “sweep it under the rug” kind of woman.

He wounded me deeply, and cannot admit his culpability.

So, I finally said as much back in a text, and – lol and behold – *crickets* since then.

If you cannot admit your responsibility for your actions, if you cannot admit your own wrongdoing towards another person, and apologize, sincerely and wholeheartedly for hurting them, then obviously, you don’t believe you ever did anything wrong.

Update – I just received a text that says “I have no idea what you’re talking about”.

My point exactly.

I’m done.

Convenient how they “forget” the words they use to wound others with.

But I will never forget how he said his “little sister died years ago”.

He’s right.

He killed her.

I’m not that little girl he once knew.

But then, he never bothered to get to know the grown-up woman.

Whatever.

I don’t have time for him.

I’ve got embers in my eyes, and smoke curling around my hands.

Time to take a walk.

Patterns

My life has followed a steady, predictable pattern since my divorce.

I meet someone, we talk, they seem great, they seem to really like me… A couple have even said they loved me. We’re sailing along at 30,000 feet, gliding on top of the clouds in clear blue skies, smiling and enjoying the ride.

And then – something happens.

Either they suddenly decide to leap from the cabin, yanking the ripcord on their parachute as soon as they clear the emergency exit, like D.B. Cooper, vanishing into myth, or

They suddenly have to change flights for “business”, and can never be bothered to make their way back to me, because I’m just not in “first class”, never minding that I spent my last dime on our tickets, or

the engines stall, the plane falls from the sky, and lands in ice-cold waters, all hands lost at sea, with me washing ashore on some deserted island, no one else in sight.

And once I’ve built my raft, and made my slow and weary way back to civilization… I find out they got picked up by some luxury cruiser 5 minutes after the crash, have been drinking margaritas & have forgotten I ever existed.

Something inside of me is feeling as though maybe I’m not meant to find love again.

That maybe I’m meant to spend the rest of my life flying solo.

Maybe my pattern is the “missing man” formation… Only the one missing… is me – and everyone else flies on without me.

Full Sunlight

There is a beautiful, tragic agony

In Truth

A barren landscape

Full of grinding sunlight

Seeing everything laid bare

In the searing, illuminating glare

It slices deep, flaying you, rending you, driving sand and salt

Into the wounds

Tearing the blinders, those rosy-hued lenses, from your eyes

And still…

Infinitely preferable to the soft comfort of the lie.

Flay me

Rend me

Leave my eyes bare

I’d rather the agony of truth

Over the warmth of the lie

Because that warmth?

Is you – laying yourself down in the bullshit they spread for you.

The warmth fades, but the stench clings.

Flay me

Rend me

Leave me bare

And I’ll heal

In the full sunlight of Truth.

I Ain’t Got Time for This, I’ve got Sh!t to do

I haven’t written here about 💙 lately, but he and I are still talking.

He says he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and is trying to finish his business overseas as quickly as possible so he can come see me.

Do I trust this?

No, of course I don’t.

After everything I went through with E, I’m holding my own if I can trust the mailman to get the right mail in the correct box. (Which is a debatable question, lately, but I digress)

There are only two men in ny life that I trust, anymore. One is my father; the other, my nephew.

The rest….well, their words are taken with a humongous dose of salt and skepticism.

Why?

Because they don’t follow through on their word. Or they send out such weird signals, I have no clue what they want, anymore, so I don’t even bothering trying to interpret, but, rather just continue with my skepticism & stay in my own lane.

As for those who do evince some kind of obvious interest, I assume it’s of the “use ’em and lose ’em” kind.

Men always leave. So why bother, anymore?

As far as 💙 is concerned?

I’ll believe that when I see it.

Whatever, my trust just doesn’t rise for words, anymore.

You’ve got to back it up with actions.

As I tell my nephew all the time “I ain’t got time for this, I’ve got shit to do”.

I’m not going to wait around for someone to get his shit together & ponder on whether he wants to actually mean the words he spouts so easily.

If you love someone, you say it – AND you back it up by how you act.

You have feelings for me? Prove it, or I’ll be on my way.

Pretty Poison

Pretty poison lurks, hidden on my phone, light gleaming through its toxic, yet enticing depths.

It makes me sick to my stomach to think about all the pain I went through because of E…and yet…

There is a subtle allure in the intentness of his purpose.

I’ve forgotten how it feels to be wanted so desperately.

And still, I sit here, crying, knowing that if I were to say even one word, I would unravel all the work I’ve done to repair the damage he caused me.

I can’t go back.

And yet, like an addict…I yearn for that feeling again.

I wish he would just go, leave me alone & not return, so I could stop remembering and missing how he made me feel at one time. Because he also tore me apart, and left me to deal with the afternoon, alone.

Always alone.

I just want this part of the nightmare to end… I’m so tired of being alone.

I discovered tonight that “spam” texts don’t actually disappear…they just get tucked away…but they’re still on the damn phone, daring me to read them.

Daring me to drink that pretty poison, and be damned…