I Bury The Dead

I had a rough time last night. 

Drank too much.

Cried – way too much.

Probably talked too much.

Spoke to an old friend, someone who was kind enough to take pity on drunk & crying me, who talked me down from my emotional ledge.  

Something we discussed stuck with me.

He asked me what I was going to do today.

I replied “Recover”.

He asked what I meant by that, and I answered that when shit like this happens to me…I bounce.

And then I had to correct myself.

“Well, after all the shit I’ve been through, I guess I don’t really bounce anymore…I just bury it, and move on.”

He asked why I bury it, why I don’t just let it go?

“Because I bury the dead. And if I let it go, I don’t learn from it, and it happens again.”

Then I laughed at myself, and said it didn’t really matter what I did, because it always happens again, anyway. 

Every time I open up and trust someone with my heart, I end up with a knife in it.

But, after thinking about it for a while, I did realize something.

I can’t let these things go.  Because when I let go of the hurt, and the wrong done to me… That’s when I forgive them. And they get another chance.

That’s what happened with J.
And look what he did with his forgiveness.

I’m too trusting, too forgiving, too nice…and I find it impossible to hold a grudge. But when someone crosses a unforgivable line with me, I can cut them off like split ends and they cease to exist in my life.

Just ask my brother.

So, no.

I won’t let it go.

I won’t forgive.

I will never forget.

And he will never be allowed another chance to hurt me, ever again.

This is why I bury the dead.

Too

Well…that seems to be the end of that.

Another one bites the dust.

Silently, disappearing, once again.

He chose to do the one thing guaranteed to hurt me, and shut me out. Left me in the dark, in the dust, and vanished.

He had borrowed a DVD set from me, however, so I drove to his house today while he was at work, and asked his daughter for it. She was nice enough to hand it to me, even checked to make sure all the discs were there, and I thanked her and left.

Since he refused to answer my texts, I figured he didn’t want to see me, either, so this way…now he doesn’t have to, and I have my property back with no fuss.

It hurts.

Yes, it hurts.

So, tonight…I drink.

To forget, for a little while, that I was stupid enough to trust, once again.

I’ve been told before that I’m Too nice. Too forgiving. Too trusting. 

Maybe I need to learn how to be a bitch.

Maybe I need to become hard, stop caring. Stop feeling. Turn off my heart.

Can someone teach me how to stop being Too?


Need/Want/Wish

There are differences between a Need, a Want, and a Wish.

I Need air and water and food and sleep (some of these things more than others…some I make due with less)

I Want to make my personal goal weight (working on it, slowly but surely), I want to save enough money to visit my Beloved Nephew (working on that too), and I want to eventually work up the courage to write that damned book that the Beloved Nephew keeps hounding me to write!

I Wish I could win the lottery. I wish I could have met Alan Rickman before he passed away, and I wish Chester Bennington was still alive.

See the differences yet?

Needs are things I have to have to continue to live. Air, food, water, sleep…all necessary to life. All things I MUST have, no joke, no choice, no substitutions.

Wants are things I’d like in my life, but have to work for. I get that, and don’t have a problem with working for the things I want. 

Wishes are things that are amorphous and probably not going to happen, at least not anytime soon, if at all. I can wish as hard as I want on a million stars…but it will never bring Alan or Chester back. And the lottery is – kind of a long shot.

I Want a partner to share in my life…but I don’t Need a man to continue to live…I just Wish I could figure out what the hell is going on. Hot and cold, talkative one day, then silence.

After the last 4 years, and all the broken promises E put me through, then the manipulation, the guilt, the breakup & the stalking…I was Hoping for something a little better, something a little easier. 

I Need Clarity.

I Want Honesty

I Wish he’d talk to me, instead of shutting me out, like he promised he wouldn’t do.

I Deserve better than this. 

Get it?



Feathers


So soft and delicate, I hold this fragile thing in my hands. Praying I don’t grip too tightly, hoping my anxious, trembling touch doesn’t drop it.

I see every floating tendril, moving gently in the breeze, tickling my palm, and my eyes alight with happiness. It brings me such joy, this beautiful representation of flight.  

I wish I could hold it close, put it in my pocket, keep it safe with me forever, but I know that would destroy it’s shape, tear apart it’s very form and it’s beauty, and that I cannot do.

So, as much as it will hurt me…

When the time comes…

I will let it go.


Headspace

After this last weekend, I feel as though I’ve been on a rollercoaster that ran through a tornado.

On fire.

Well, maybe not on fire, literally…

But, my brain sure hasn’t slowed down long enough to catch up with all that’s happened to my emotions.

It started on Wednesday.

I was talking to one of my coworkers, who just so happens to live in the same town as my first ex-husband.

And I asked her if she ever saw him around…and if she did, to say “hi” to him from me.

Long history short, I was trying to let him know that there were no hard feelings over the past, & that everything was cool with my end of the world as far as we were concerned.

That night, I received a text from a unknown number, with a photo attached.

Of 2 of my coworkers…and my ex-husband.

Who – just coincidentally happened to run into each other at the state fair. 

Cause this shit happens in my life.

Thinking the unknown number was said coworker, I replied “LOL, what a coincidence!”

And got a reply from — my ex-husband.

Who I proceeded to text back & forth with for the next two days.

Who asked me to go out to dinner with him Friday night, which I did.

And then, proceeded to ask me if there was a possibility that we could try again for a relationship.

Buckle up.

Click……..click……click… click ..click click…click…..click…clickclickclickclick…

J and I have a long history. 

In the past when we first met, we moved way too fast, didn’t know how to handle conflict, or each other, & we each had things we needed to do, places we needed to go, people we needed to be…and we couldn’t do that together – not the first time around. Our marriage blew up in our faces after a short & stormy whirlwind of a relationship.

4 years ago, we found each other again, and…once again, tried to move things along way too fast. At least, he seemed to want it that way, until he suddenly disappeared off the radar after only a month of dating. I was left, floundering & confused, not knowing what had happened, and without any communication from him…

I wrote a letter, telling him that I was hurt, but that if he ever decided he was ready to talk, he knew where to find me.  I still loved him, but couldn’t hold onto someone who didn’t want to be with me. I had to try to let go.

Hence, telling the coworker to pass along the “hi”.

I knew he’d never make the first concession, never say the first word.

So, I nudged the brake.

And the rollercoaster took off.

I’m not sure where the ride will take us, just yet.

I’m still anxious about being left in the dark, alone & silent, again.

Although, I asked for 2 things.

That he be honest, and that he not shut me out. Whatever comes up, we talk about it. 

Everything is new and fragile, yet familiar…I know this man, I feel so comfortable talking to him, being around him. It’s natural, like breathing in and out.

My headspace is so full…

And the tornado spins.

Soul Separation

Something seriously wrong happens to you when your soul separates into more than one piece.

Being a Gemini… This is a familiar, and uncomfortable, feeling for me.

I get too attached to the wrong people, sometimes.

I…have a tendency to let people into my life quickly, if they show me affection & appeal to my caretaker side. I’m a sucker for someone who needs a little TLC, and who doesn’t appreciate being taken care of every once in a while?

I have a soft spot for strays & those with sad eyes…the ones who have been hurt in the past, or are hurting now, and I want to jump in and bandage, comfort and fix.

But – that’s not always a good place for me to invest my emotions.

Because, once they’ve had their fill of coddling & cookies, they get up & walk away without a backward glance. Much like being discharged from the hospital, and not giving the nurses another thought once you’ve left the building.

Except, this nurse…thought there was a relationship there, and, much to her dismay, was quickly disabused of that notion when she was forgotten along with the rest.

Yeah, I was talking to someone.  The Dragon, from my past, who I had come back into contact with around New Year’s, &… I thought we had at least rekindled a friendship, becoming pen pals, at least.  For the last 5 years, I’ve held this man in such high regard that I’ve made him a member of my Chosen Family, which appellation only goes to a very select and small number. 

Namely him and one other, the Beloved Nephew.

There is no romantic relationship with this man, but he has had a huge impact on my life, even though he refuses to see it. 

And, for some reason, he seems to be afraid of this relationship, which baffles me, because I’ve never asked him for anything other than conversation, honesty, & friendship. That’s it.  

And it truly, deeply, hurts, that he seems to have disappeared again…

Leaving a portion of my soul, the piece that attached itself to him, as friend and family, floating, lost out there…aimless and alone.

How many separations can the soul survive… Before it gives up completely?

Or before it ices over?

I need to fix this.

And I believe the only way now…

Is to reunite with my soul-companion.

Beloved Nephew.

Soul-Companions are not romantic soul mates.  They are those people who come into your life – friend, family member – who just – so completely get you that there are no words necessary. They understand…everything…

They don’t always agree with you, but they understand.

You can, and usually do, tell them everything…down to the nitty gritty, the good, bad & ugly. They’ve seen you laugh till you weep, and they’ve held you as you cry till you collapse. They’ve talked you off the emotional ledges, and you’ve done the same for them, bringing the ice cream & booze for the pity parties. You’ve each laced up your “bitch boots” to stomp the crap out of someone who’s hurt your soul-companion, & you’d bring the shovel to bury the evidence without being asked.

There is an almost psychic bond between soul companions that is impossible to break.  Beloved Nephew & I often say we live inside each other’s heads more often than not. 

He’ll call me, out of the blue, because he feels like he needs to… And it’ll be exactly what I need, because I’ve had a rough day.

Or, I’ll text him something I’ve found online, because I know it’s something he needs, & he texts me back saying “How’d you KNOW I needed that RIGHT NOW!?!”

He moved down South to be near his family, while I’m still in the far North… And it hasn’t been easy being away from him.

Not just because we have fun hanging out together.

But because… He just gets it.

And I understand him.

And, I know… For the both of us, because we’ve discussed this, our souls need each other to heal, to grow & to find our next steps.

As family and as friends, and as Soul-Companions.

My timeline is set.

I have a goal.

I am moving forward.

Thanks, Though







And the stray gets put to the side of the road once again on the journey of life…

I’m used to it now.

The pain of being left behind…

The confusion as they leave, with no explanation, no thought of anyone else’s feelings, & just a merry wave…because, hey… She’s resilient… She’ll bounce right back & find someone else. 

They think that because they don’t see the brokenness that follows… The destruction of self I never allow anyone to see.

All they see is the mask & the automaton that goes through the daily motions, existing until I can rebuild from within, slowly, excruciatingly, piece by piece.

The only one who never left me…is the one I had to push away, because he was a toxic liar & chronic breaker of promises. And, is still stalking me to this day. 

Something seriously wrong with this picture.

And DON’T tell me “Well, maybe you just need some time alone”. 

Fuck that.

I’ve been alone for 6 years, considering how many times I’ve been dumped, ghosted, benched & dusted.

But, I’m fine. Just tired…

Thanks, though.