Vindicated

*with the tune from Dashboard Confessional running in my head, I write*

I’ve finally got a diagnosis from my doctor!

After all the testing (4 ultrasounds & a urologist – ordered nuclear Lasix renal scan) I have finally been vindicated in my pain.

The doctors kept telling me “No, there’s nothing wrong with your kidney, aside from it being enlarged from the past issues, it’s functioning within normal parameters.” (Translation inside my head being – “You’re imagining it, there’s nothing wrong with you.”)

But this latest round of ultrasounds proved them wrong.

I actually have a cyst apiece on my right kidney & on my right ovary.

Exactly where I kept telling everyone I was hurting.

And yet, the doctor still wanted to put off doing anything about them. Because? Well, according to the Dr., there’s not much they normally do about cysts… or so the nurse told me over the phone.  

Unless, of course, my pain gets worse or more frequent.

“The pain can’t get more frequent,” I told her. “It’s every day, all day long.”

And it has gotten worse. 4 days now, and counting, of pain that has caused me to take the stronger pain-meds I hate taking, because they make me sleepy & I feel stupid when I’m on them. Foggy, slow & non compos mentis. But, in order to get through the day, I do what I have to.

So, the nurse set up another appointment for next Tuesday for me to discuss options with the doctor.

I can’t continue being in this kind of pain. It’s worn me down to the point where it’s interfering with my life, my work, & my sanity.  Either I need a better pain-treatment plan, so I can get back to functioning normally, or we need to discuss surgical options for removal.

And I feel guilty saying that I can’t deal with the constant pain, because I have friends & family members who have to deal with chronic pain. Worse than my own, I know, & it makes me feel as though I should be stronger, I should be “toughing it out”.

But I can’t.
It’s too much, overwhelming.
And I’m still trying to manage all of this on my own, which is difficult. Not having a life-partner to help me cope…hurts. No rock to lean on, just me & my shaky anxiety & depression. I have friends who are good cheerleaders, but it’s not quite the same as a life-mate you can cry to at 3 AM, or you can vent with after a disappointment, or they’ll go with you to the doctor, & stand up for you when you don’t have the strength to do it yourself.

But, somewhere down deep, is that “give- no-shits, take-no-prisoners” woman who refuses to give up.

Permaneo.  To last, to stand, to never give up.

So I stand, alone in my house, maybe, and shaking on the inside…

But I’m standing.
And I was right. I am vindicated.