Mindless Drivel

 There are days when I just need to be alone inside my own head. These are the days when I seriously retreat from society. I don’t talk, won’t pick up my phone, & many times, don’t even leave my house.  It’s just me, decompressing, processing, trying to work things out inside myself, before I have to interact with society at large once again.

On these days, it’s best to just leave me be.

I’m not fit company for anyone when I’m wandering inside my own head. Let it go. 

I’ll be fine.

If my decompression days get disrupted, it can throw me off for yet another week, struggling to get through, because I didn’t get that time for myself. 

If I’m out of touch, not answering, leave it alone.

Please.

I’m not lost, I don’t need help, I just need to recharge, regroup, & relax.

And while it might seem like mindless drivel to someone on the outside looking in, to me, it’s the little things, if not dealt with promptly, that end up becoming the largest issues for me.

I used to shove everything down, all the time, stamping on the emotions, the little hurts, the aches and pains of daily life…until they would suddenly burst forth like a volcano. And then, everyone within the blast radius would get burned.

So, when I take these days, it’s not just for my mental health…it’s to prevent Krakatoa 2.0

Breakthrough

Talking to EldestDaughter last night, I was… well, the only word to describe my state of mind at the time – is “elated”.

Considering the surroundings she’s in right now, court-forced treatment (because of a technicality, and a vindictive state’s attorney who has awful professional ethics), my ED has been going through some serious navel-gazing.

And she’s come to some realizations that I’ve been hoping for YEARS that she’d find for herself.

And, as awful as it sounds, maybe this treatment that she was forced into… won’t be the worst thing in the world for her.  Maybe this is exactly what she needed, at exactly the right time.  I just wish the circumstances surrounding it hadn’t had to happen the way they did.

I know, this all sounds so murky and round-a-bout.

I’m trying to protect ED’s privacy here.

Needless to say, the circumstances that got ED where she is now, where she has to be for a little while yet, have fallen behind the strides and gains ED has gotten from the people she’s surrounded by now.

Last night, after talking to her, and finding out all that she’s come to see – with both eyes open – and the complete shock that enlightened epiphany most often brings – I wanted to cry with relief.

It’s been a long road, and I just hope that ED can see it all the way through.  It’ll be so much healthier for her in the long run, and she’ll be so much happier at the end of this journey – if she just sees it to its conclusion.

Opening your eyes to who you really are – seeing it reflected in other people, through their own eyes – is not always easy.  It’s often painful, confusing, and can cause anxiety, anger, and depression.  But it can also spur you into making changes for yourself.

Because I’ve often said that you can never change another person.  And no one can ever make you change yourself.

You have to choose, for yourself, to make changes because you want them.  It’s the only way that the changes work, it’s the only way that they’ll ever stick, and it’s the only way to do it without resentment and recrimination.  Because it’s all you.

ED has been surrounded by people who have it worse than her, people with problems that she can’t imagine having to shoulder through.  But, through listening to them talk, and through hearing about some of the things in their lives that closely mirror her own… she’s finding that she now understands so much more about herself, and why she does some of the stupid things that she does.  And she’s gaining the tools necessary to not only forgive herself, but to forgive others for their past mistakes – so she can let go of all the old resentments that have been eating away at her for all these years. 

Once she can reach that point?  Everyone who has a problem with her will have to deal with their issues on their own, she won’t feel guilty for them anymore, and she can simply choose to walk away from the negativity, instead of trying to fix everyone else and make everyone else feel better by giving up pieces of herself.

We talked about how one of the people in her group was talking about being a “people pleaser”, always trying to make everyone else happy, they emptied themselves out of emotion, energy, etc.  And when they had given everything they had, and there was nothing left, they had to “fill” that gap with something else, to take away the pain.

And ED realized that she’s been doing that with her Paternal Gene Donor for most of her life.  Trying to please him has repeatedly “emptied” her out.  Trying to “fix” others has repeatedly drained her dry of energy and will.  And once empty, she grew resentful.  Resentful that it was never enough, could never make those others happy.  So she would try to fill the void within herself with what she and I have taken to calling “dangerous fun”.  Those things that sound like so much fun, and friends will try to convince you are just “the best time ever”, but are dangerous to you, to others, and are almost always illegal.

And the one thing that ED realized that really made me want to cry?  That she is stronger than she ever thought.  She will make it through this, she will be better for it, and she will know that she can walk through fire – on her own if necessary – but that she also has a strong, loving, and unconditional support system waiting for her if she needs us.

I think my baby’s finally growing up, for real.

Thank you, Goddess, for letting me be a part of this, and for helping my little girl get through this time.

Sign of the Times

I really need to have this written on every sidewalk… or maybe just on the toes of my shoes will cover it.

I’ve been doing some of my self-searching again, and I’ve realized that I walk with my head down most of the time. If not literally, which I know I do, because I catch myself – then at least emotionally and figuratively.  And yes, before you say it, I’m working on this.

I’m not looking for anyone to fix this for me, because no one can.  As the header says “Random Acts of Blindness and Epiphany”.  I walk around half-blind most of the time, just working to get through the mundane stuff of life, when out of the blue, I’ll get struck with the lightning of epiphany, and have a sudden flash of insight.  It’s a helluva way to do therapy, hit or miss most of the time, and not really reliable.  But, it’s been working so far, one thing at a time.

I know that part of the reason why I don’t walk “eyes up”, is that I’m not really all that self-confident.  I put up a good front sometimes, but I have trouble seeing that I have a real, tangible value in another’s eyes.  Or that I could be a person of interest to another.  I have issues with my weight, having struggled with it most of my life.  I’m working on that one, and have lost some weight recently, and plan on working to get in better shape.  I actually have no idea what I weigh right now, as I got rid of my scale years ago, after deciding that weight was just a number.  If I felt comfortable in my own skin, then the numbers didn’t matter.  Well, I stopped feeling comfortable in my own skin a while ago, but other matters, like depression and anxiety didn’t help me get motivated to get healthy.  It’s just one more thing I plan to take control of this year for myself.  Not for anyone else, not anymore.

Another reason?  Well, if you blend in, and don’t stick your neck out, there’s less risk of getting hurt.  It’s all about the high walls of defense, folks.  Put on the mask, don’t stand out from the crowd, and just go about your way, and no one can get close enough to reject you. 

But in reality?  The meek inherit nothing but missed opportunities.  Everything you want in this life, you have to risk yourself to get.  There’s. No. Such. Thing. As. A. Free. Lunch.  Sometimes, I forget.

So, in the meantime, between here and there, then and now, I’m working on keeping my head up, eyes forward, and open.