Songbird

Chester.

I wanted to write about this last night, but couldn’t. It was raw, & I’m not sure if I could’ve even written a coherent sentence without breaking down.

I still feel like an open wound.

As though a friend died.

And I know, some might not understand, they might say…”But you didn’t know him, he was just another celebrity, blah, blah, blah…”

Not to me.

Chester has never been just another celebrity, or just a singer to me.

Linkin Park has never been just a band, and their music has never been just anything to me.

Pts. Of Authority was the first video, the first song of theirs I ever heard or saw, on MTV, back when they actually still played real videos. 

I immediately fell in love with their style & their heart. Mike’s ability to rap his anger, his frustration & his Alpha status, Chester’s cracked-glass screams and his plaintive cry to the audience to hear his heart and his pain…they understood what was inside my head at any given moment. As though they were snooping through my daily emotions, and my nighttime dreams & nightmares, they seemed so in tune, so in synch with exactly how I felt.

Hybrid Theory, Meteora, The Hunting Party, all these CDs have given me outlets for my emotions in one way or another.

Their music has gotten me through some of the darkest, most awful, deepest depressions of my life.

2007 saw Minutes to Midnight come out…and in 2009, my best friend/soul sister passed away.  Her nickname? Midnite. She passed, literally…minutes…before midnight… And Linkin Park was there for me with Leave Out All The Rest. (which to this day, I still have difficulty listening to without losing my shit)

Their album, A Thousand Suns, released in 2010, was the music that got me through my divorce in 2011. I listened nonstop to that CD, playing it over and over…screaming and crying through the lyrics.

Living Things came out the year after, in 2012, and helped me work through the pain of starting over, post-divorce. It helped me work through being, once again, a single mom, trying to make my own way in the worlds of parenting, dating, and handling emotional baggage.

And… This year’s One More Light…breaks my heart…and mends it…and breaks it again…over and over.

The song, Heavy, so exactly describes what it’s like having anxiety, it makes me wonder, again, whether the guys have set up cameras inside my head.

Good Goodbye… Is just brilliant. Both song & video. Although, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch any of the videos for a while that have Chester in them. Not without breaking down.

But…Sharp Edges…wins. Hands down, my favorite song on the album. I love them all, I really do. But that one – for some reason, just grabbed me by the heart & won’t let go.

Just like Linkin Park did all those years ago with Pts. Of Authority.

Just like Chester did with his cracked-glass pain-filled cry.

Just like Mike did with his Alpha rapping and his smooth synchronous singing.

I never got to see them in concert.

It might sound selfish, but to me, it tears a hole in my heart every time I think about that fact. I will never see them all together in concert. And the tears start again.

I hope the band does decide to stay together. I do. Someday…I hope to be able to see them in concert, even if it’s with someone else singing the other lead. But I know that’s not the top concern on the guys’ minds right now.

My heart goes out to them, and to Chester’s family. Their pain is immeasurable right now, I’m sure. 

As a fan who loved his music, and as someone who feels as though she’s lost a friend… I leave you with this:

Songbird on my window, 

Please sing a song for me

As I sit here crying

I’ll join the harmony

Songbird the end is nearing

I hear it, I am not wrong

You’ve flown, my eyes are tearing,

Songbird, please…

Just one last song….


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The Music in My Head

It’s kind of funny, but I have music in my head most of the time.

And it all depends on my mood what’s currently playing between my ears.

When I’m up, happy, lights on the board all green and go, I’ll be listening to a variety of things, like Katy Perry, Sara Bareilles, Danny Kaye (yes, Danny Kaye) singing funny old songs, Gino Vanelli‘s Black Cars, the Black Eyed Peas, and a new group I recently found called Bond, which is a group of women that re-works classical music to sound waay more modern and just really cool.

If I’m in a contemplative mood?  It’s a lot of Enya, EKO, Classical (especially piano like Chopin, and violin like Tschaikovsky), and a few Japanese and Chinese performers (LOVE taiko drums, thanks).  There’s one Asian performer called Agatsuma, that plays a really wicked shamisen, sounds almost like an electric guitar!

A lot of the contemplative artists are also the ones that I listen to while I’m working on the novel.  I have a specific playlist I use for that, which is music I feel has an “airy” feel to it, or “drives” me to write.  Sets the mood and tone for what I’m working on at any given time.

If I’m down, then it’s generally the more emo-style of music.  Placebo works well for me when I’m depressed, as well as song called “Cut” by Plumb.  There are also a few songs by Queen, Sara Bareilles and Katy Perry that really help me to express those emotions, without actually screaming and yelling.  Even Linkin Park helps here, they have a few songs that aren’t as hardcore, and can actually move me to tears.  Leave Out All The Rest in particular, as that is the song that I identify mostly with my sister and friend, Midnite.

If I’m angry, or have a stress headache (yeah, I know it’s weird, but it works for me), then it’s loud and forceful, usually pissed-off-type, music.  Pink, Linkin Park, Metallica, Godsmack, Celldweller, Fort Minor (which is an offshoot from Linkin Park, so there’s continuity there), AC/DC, Ozzie Osbourne.  The louder I can sing it, or have the drums pounding in my head?  The better. 

Really good drums always put me in a head-space where I can almost drift off to sleep.  I love drums, and as Sparrow can attest, it turns me into a drooling, vacant-stared goob.  But ack, I love it, and it seems to help calm my nerves, switches on the serotonin in my system, and generally puts me in transcendental state.  Oooh, look at all the pretty colors….

thump thump THUMP thump… just like a heartbeat.

And then, there are the random songs that squirm their way into my head.  Spongebob Squarepants singing his F.U.N. song, or It’s a Small World, or ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ by Big Bird.  And if you don’t know that one?  Here.  Yer welcome.
Oh, and notice – Big Bird’s head! I don’t remember it being that SMALL!!?!