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I’m tired of walking the broken roads
Alone.
The pitted pavement beneath my feet
Stretching out, with no end
Me reaching out and
You, not reaching
Back
The road runs both ways
You know
You say “Life’s just so busy”
Which means I’m not a part
Of yours.
So
I’m done with those
Broken roads.
Those overgrown paths leading to
Weed-choked thickets
You won’t miss me
Because you never did
So, I’ll pave my own road
And be met by those headed my way.
I am that which lies between
The instant before the stone hits the water’s surface, knowing it will shatter the peaceful pond
That final exhalation of breath when life ceases
The moment of pure clarity before waking, disappearing in the fog of consciousness
and the desperation of waking in terror from nightmares, gasping for breath
I am the tingling smell of ozone, right before the lightning strikes
And the instant and all-consuming blindness that happens after the strike, leaving you in the void of darkness, groping for the nearest safety
I am the rope, dangling just out of reach, fibers brushing just your fingertips, and swinging away
the foothold inches from where you cling, toes stretched and straining to touch
I am that which is forever sought,
Always dreaded
Ever unattainable
I am that which lies at the heart of desire
And at the bottom of fear
I am.
You know I love you, right?
The way I smile whenever you look at me
The way you can make me laugh
Even when I don’t feel like it
Especially when I don’t feel like it
The way you understand things about me
Most people don’t
You know I love you, right?
The way I shiver when you
Touch me
And my hands shake sometimes
When I reach out to touch back
How you always ask
If I’m ok
Even when I’m not
Especially when I’m not
And want to try to make it better
You know I love you, right?
Even though I can’t speak the words
Won’t admit it out loud
Not even to myself
Knowing there’s no way you’ll say them back
I’ll see that look on your face
The one that says
Good-bye
Again
And everything ends
So I stay quiet.
But
You know I love you
Right?
My head turns
Darkness falls
Unexpectedly, like a hammer
I collapse inward
Imploding
Over, and over, and over
Repeatedly trying to claw my way out
Only to fall back again
Unable to gain purchase
Fingernails torn to the quick
Mud, and blood
Smeared in my hair
On my face
Metaphorically speaking
Pale
Drawn
Insomniac
I receive no joy from food
Or speech
Or drink
Or touch
Smell
I try to sing, only to stop halfway through
Trailing off into silence
Where did it go?
I wonder…
I turn my head
Chasing daylight
There is a beautiful, tragic agony
In Truth
A barren landscape
Full of grinding sunlight
Seeing everything laid bare
In the searing, illuminating glare
It slices deep, flaying you, rending you, driving sand and salt
Into the wounds
Tearing the blinders, those rosy-hued lenses, from your eyes
And still…
Infinitely preferable to the soft comfort of the lie.
Flay me
Rend me
Leave my eyes bare
I’d rather the agony of truth
Over the warmth of the lie
Because that warmth?
Is you – laying yourself down in the bullshit they spread for you.
The warmth fades, but the stench clings.
Flay me
Rend me
Leave me bare
And I’ll heal
In the full sunlight of Truth.
I wear my scars in words
Draped casually over my wrists like bracelets
Lashed fiercely around my waist
Slashed along my lips
Dripping from every pore of my soul
I wear my heart in my eyes
So I keep them down, most of the time
Look away, or be burned
Or drowned
Or saved
Bathed in blue, they’ll tell you the truth
Never lie
But I don’t wear my love at all
I fling it, give it away, pass it to the Chosen like candy,
Like a child bringing you dandelions in summer
Gathered so Excitedly — FREE FLOWERS?!?
YES!
Sweaty, heaping handfuls of love passed over, watching your face for acceptance…
Appreciation…
Approbation..
Affection….
Reciprocation…
I wear my scars with words.
And lay them before you in humility.
9/21/17
And the light streamed in the window
As I lay, curled on the floor
Broken, just like the day before
Left behind, always left…wanting more…
And the light streamed in the window
Dust dancing in the air
Landing softly in my hair
Building up, slowly, everywhere
And the light streamed in the window
Softer now than before
Angled more towards the door
Knocking louder, the policemen swore
Flashing lights streamed in the window
Before it’s too late,
Say the words.
While they’re still near you
While they can still hear you
While they still want to
Say the words.
Before they walk away
Before the end of the day
Before it’s all over
Say the words.
You don’t know how much time you have
How much time they’ll give you
How much longer they’ll care at all
Before the fall
Say the words.
Don’t let fear rule you
Don’t let time fool you
It’s not forever
If you never
Say the words.
After dealing with a migraine today, it’s time for me to pass on some of the love.
Cue the old poetry…
Mirror Image
You sit there
Talking to me
But I don’t hear what
You’re saying
I’m looking
In your eyes
Seeing my own pain
Reflected there
You’re telling me
Something about
How you never promised me
A rose garden
I never
Asked for one
All I wanted
Was that you
Be honest
With me
Tell me what
You feel
I’ll understand
I
Won’t break
I promise.
*funny how present life seems to imitate the past, ain’t it?*
One Tear for Me
Just cry one tear for me
Then I’ll be on my way
Please tell me that you loved me
At least you did one day
It matters to me now
What you have to say
Even if it won’t
When I am old and gray
I could have loved you deeply
But you just walked away
Before I had a chance
To say what I had to say
So just cry one tear for me
My love
Then I’ll be on my way.
-4/8/87
*damnedest thing, how these still sound so familiar*
Mannequins
Here I stand
At the window
Looking in.
My hands pressed against
The glass
My breath making fog
On its surface.
Let me in, I say
I tap on the glass
But they don’t see
Or hear
Their backs are turned
And then, so is mine
I turn and see her
Standing there
With her hands pressed
Against the glass
As mine had been
I know that I
Am no longer alone.
We back away from the window
“They’re only mannequins”
She says
I noticed that too
We walk away together
Knowing that they are only
Window dressing
While we have the whole world
To ourselves.
-4/14/89
*this was for my best friend, who showed me how much bigger the world was, when all I saw was a small town*
*and here’s the last one I plan to publish here, as this has reminded me why I haven’t posted these before…*
Think of Me
Every time you see a happy child
Think of me
When you see something free and wild
Think of me
When you read a story
With a happy end
Or get a letter from
Your best friend
See my smiling face
Happy for you
Think of me.
When you’re lost and alone
And you want to go home
Think of me
If you’re sad or you’re blue
Know I’m thinking of you
When you see the sun come out…
Think of me.
-1/30/89
Fini
*Oh.my.god. I’d forgotten how sappy & simple some of my old poetry was… Oy.
Ok, here goes…*
You & Me
Your eyes touch mine
And I smile
Your hand holds mine
And I’m warm
Your arm encircles me
And I’m safe
There’s no way I can
Come to harm
You smile
And my heart skips a beat
You laugh
And my world is complete
I wake
To find it’s but a dream.
(12-15-87)
*I was still in high school…so sue me. I was emo before it was a thing.*
Little Roses
Little roses
Pale and pink
Overflowing
In the sink
Clip and snip
Trim and prune
It’s time for them
To die, too soon
Buds not opening
Never showing
The rare, rich beauty
Of the rose inside
Their cries of pain
Go unheard
On display
Like small, caged birds
Cry, little roses
Tears of pink
To overflow
And fill the sink.
(12-16-87)
*yeah…I’m not posting some of these…they’re decidedly too…wow, was I a sap as a kid, or what? I can tell a lot of them were written to try to gain approval from others, & never should’ve seen the light of paper…I’ll be burning some of them later in effigy
And the last emo thing for the night…(posting this one with my eyes closed, I think)*
Tear Song
Sing a song of suicide
A pocket full of lies
Four and twenty sorrows
Form in my eyes
When my song is over
They begin to sing
Wasn’t that a funny way
To go and meet the King?
(1-8-88)
*See? Emo as all get-out. Did you sing along after catching the tune it was written to?
Geez.
Maybe this little parade down memory lane wasn’t the grandest idea… Or, maybe it was, as a way to get me to finally get rid of some of this paper trash! We’ll see how far down the rabbit hole I go with this, or if I give it up as a badly spent penny…*
Brea's Air 