I had to go to Hellmart tonight for a few things.

As I was walking from one side of the aisle to another, I passed a box full of something, and impaled my hand on a hook sticking out of the box.

Blood running all the hell over the place, down my hand & arm, I frantically searched my purse for some tissues, but couldn’t find any.

And no one noticed or stopped.

So, as I bled all over the sleeve of my jacket, I pushed my cart to a counter back by the auto shop, where luckily,I found some industrial paper towels.

I started mopping myself up, & pulled my mini bandaid packet out of my purse. (Yeah, I carry them, I get paper cuts at work a lot)

And my sarcasm kicked in, when the gal behind the counter, who was helping another customer, looked over, and, with no compassion in her voice at all, said…

“Battery acid?”

I blinked at her & said that, no, I’d impaled myself on a hook in another aisle.

She sighed, & said,

“OK, as long as it’s not battery acid. Need a bandaid?”


I held up my Band-Aids, & said that no, I had some, I just needed to stop bleeding everywhere.

She turned away.

Fuck, I hate Walmart.

Not ONE person, associate or otherwise, tried to help me.

One associate jackass even came and stood behind the counter not 2 feet from me, watching me, but saying nothing.

As though I might swipe something off the counter?

Fucking hellhole.

And now, my hand is throbbing and swelling.

I probably need stitches, or that super glue stuff, but fuckit.

I’m going to soak this bastard & ice it, after I put about 6 more Band-Aids on it.

Typing tomorrow should be fun.



Yeah, so looking at it, it’s about a quarter of an inch long, & the inside of my palm is starting to bruise up…I may end up going to the doc for this tomorrow. Joy.

Truth Bombs

Dropped some truth bombs tonight.

I don’t know if it was Because I’m at the end of my tether, emotionally, or because I’ve been taking more of my antianxiety meds…or just because I’ve had more bullshit to deal with lately than I can successfully shovel…

But, I let the cleansing begin.

First, I talked to my Mom. 

We discussed a lot of things on the phone tonight, about what’s been going on in my life, what my parents have been dealing with (they’ve been helping a friend deal with the loss of her husband, and it hasn’t been easy), and about OnlySon’s graduation. 

While on that subject, I told her some of the family members I’d sent announcements to… And my brother was not on the list.

She wasn’t happy about that.

But, as I tried to tell her…

I don’t have his contact information.  Ever since he & his family moved, I’ve lost touch. We don’t call each other, don’t move in the same circles socially, & haven’t had much to say to one another ever since he wrote his venomous email to me a few years ago, which prompted me to cut off contact with him.

She tried to tell me that “He’s totally changed, & didn’t mean any of those things anymore”.

When I told her that he’d never said he was wrong, had never apologized or attempted to make amends, she said he never would.

So, I told her “And I can never forget, nor forgive, what he said. He destroyed any hope of a relationship he could have with me, so why should I have any consideration for his feelings? He doesn’t want me to be involved with his children, so why should he be involved with mine??. He once stated that his little sister was dead to him. He was right.”

And that ended that conversation.

Then… it was time to handle Truth Bomb #2.

I received an email from E today.

Begging for forgiveness, and threatening to take his own life if I don’t take him back and talk to him.

Emotional blackmail.

After having been emotionally abused in my last marriage, I swore that it would never happen again.

So I let him have it with both barrels.

He has a preteen daughter.

I called him selfish and a coward.

I told him that if he could fight for his country, then he could damned well fight for his daughter, pull himself up by his bootstraps, & prove to his child that she was worth sticking around for, instead of turning her into an orphan.

I told him that it was time to stop laying the blame of his feelings on me, and take responsibility for his own actions and choices.

And that, obviously, he’d never listened to anything I’d said, didn’t know who I was at all, & had some fantasy built up in his head of who I was, and that he’d better get over it, stop lying to himself & everyone else, go home & treat his daughter better than he’d treated me.

I also told him that I’d take responsibility for my own culpability, that I’d let him talk me into lying to family & friends about all the secrets he’d asked me to keep for him, but that he’d asked me to do that at all was reprehensible and morally objectionable.

Finally, I told him that, after all this, I’d been right to stop trusting him, that stooping to emotional blackmail was sick, that I had been right to put a stop to the relationship when I had, and that I wanted him to stop trying to contact me ever again.

The calls would not be answered, & would, in fact, be automatically rejected.

That texts would be sent directly to spam, & I would never see them.

Same with emails.

And I never answer unknown numbers, so trying to reach me from another phone wouldn’t work.

This – needs to end.

And if it means being a stone cold nuclear bitch from now on…

Bombs away….

Reminders of Recovery


All I did today was some light housework!
Vacuumed a couple rugs, dishes, laundry, cleaned the vacuum out & washed the filters on same.

And yet, my body seems to have turns against me.

I started bleeding again.

Just a little, but enough to tell me that I phucked something up.

I have my 6 week checkup on the 5th, & I have to be fully healed by then!

I will accept nothing less.


Just No.

Until you’ve been there, until you’ve lived it, learned it, cried from it, raged over it, fought against it, and ultimately laughed in spite of it… you have no idea.

Don’t assume that you’re qualified to give advice to someone going through the fire, if you’ve never been in the flames.

Don’t pretend you understand the storm, when you’ve never stood in its eye, and been bowed by the force of the gale.

And save your anger for your own bad decisions, faults & failings.

The person standing in front of you has their own battle to wage, and you yelling at them to do it the way you think they should belittles only you.

You don’t get it. You never will. Until you stand in their shoes, live their life, and are faced with the exact same situations & consequences – you can shut the fuck right up.

375° for 45

I’m done.
I’m cooked.
I’m burnt.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of people who think that they have a free pass to comment on my life, and that they have any right to try to tell me how I should live.

Don’t tell me to “get out there and meet someone new”. I have someone. Whether you approve or not, doesn’t matter to me.
If I ever require your advice – I’ll ask for it. Until then… Remember how I don’t talk much anymore?

There’s a reason for that.

I’m burnt. Burnt out on the guilt trips. Stop making my silence “my fault”. It’s not me trying to punish, it’s me – Wanting to be left alone for a damned minute or 5.  I so seldom get time, to myself, to do what I want – Take Garbo’s words and apply them to my latest profile pic.

I’m cooked.
I’m so over being the bad guy all the time. Just because I’m not picking up all the toys scattered throughout the house; the clothes (size 3t), left lying wherever they were removed; not doing all the dishes all the damned time. I’m tired of having to be the one who has to say “no” to everything, & the one who gets the dirty looks when I ask that others chip in and CLEAN THEIR OWN MESS.  Sick a fork in me – Cause…

I’m done.
I’m done with men who think I’m only good for “right now”, but not good enough for keeps.
I’m tired of people who just walk out of my life without so much as a backwards glance, then think they can just pick up where we left off and it’s not going to affect me.

Continue reading

November Rain

slash quote

Otherwise known as SNOW in North Dakota, this November has rained down all manner of craptasticness.

So much, all crammed into just a short space of time.

Geezus, it’s not even the 15th of the month, yet, and I’ve already broken my ankle, had more unwarranted legal drama with EldestDaughter (she has to go to court for something that the legal system didn’t update, and prove that she actually took care of something – luckily, she has all the paperwork backing her up – BUT, she still has to follow their timeline, put up with their bullshit, and probably be out the money for the lawyer because THEY CAN’T UPDATE THEIR SYSTEM) *ok, mini rant over*, and had yet another serious allergy attack due to a coworker who thinks that the office-wide emails going out about not wearing scented lotions and strong perfumes couldn’t possibly be about her. *ok, so rant just changed trains… (deep breath)*

It’s only November 13, and I’ve had it.

I’m tired of all this crap that this gawd-awful month is dishing out.  I’m through with dissolving into the exhausted tears that always seem to herald yet another THING that is kicking me in my gimp foot while I’m down.

I want a RECALL on that vote to leave this freaking month in the calendar year.

Rename the damn thing; take a few days from the month and spread them out to those that don’t have as many as the others… February could use a whole extra freaking WEEK for all I care.


Can I start a Kickstarter project for this?  Raise the money and have people sign a petition?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO to make this awful travesty of a man-made “month” go away??

*drops mic and hobbles off stage*



Bridging the Gap – or Blowing it Up

After receiving a certain e-mail at work, I decided that I’m tired of all the different generations bashing each other, again, and again, and again….


There doesn’t seem to be any generation that doesn’t feel it has the right/obligation to point out to another generational group that “Yer doin’ it wrong”.  For some reason, the only generation that’s doing it “right” is the one that’s doing the complaining at the moment.

But – they’re all complaining.

Everyone is busily pointing fingers at the others, searching for a place to lay the blame for the state of the planet, the climate of society, and the misunderstandings that fall in that thing known as the “Generation Gap”.

Enough already.

Each and every generation has its drawbacks, mistakes and faults. 

Just as each and every generation has its good qualities, achievements and talents.

Taken from various studies I looked up, here’s what I found:

Traditionalists (1927-1945)– Also known as the Silent Generation, these folks are now in their 60s, 70s and 80s.  Almost all have retired from the workforce (approximately 95%), and those that do remain in the workplace, are near retirement age, and work reduced hours.  They are hardworking, because they were raised during the country’s Depression Era, and consider work a privilege.  They are loyal and submissive, being raised to respect authority and to act as a team.  But – they are “tech challenged” which leads them to balk at changing their work habits.  They prefer the “old school” method – i.e. getting in there and getting your hands dirty and breaking your back – over using technology (which they generally don’t trust) to make sure the job gets done. 

I see this generation as the “Work hard, earn your way, and leave something behind for those to come” generation.  They scrimped and saved every penny, which didn’t leave much available for “fun”, but they knew – to the cent – the value of everything.

Baby Boomers (1946-1964) – Boomers are mostly all in their 40’s and 50’s now.  They are well-established in their careers and hold positions of power and authority.  Boomers are typically “Work-centric”.  They are extremely hardworking and motivated by position, perks & prestige.  They will work long hours and see their accomplishments in terms of their professional achievements.  Since they have devoted so much time to the workplace, they see the generations that follow after them (Gen-Xers and Gen-Yers) as being lacking in work ethic and commitment.  Baby Boomers are confident, independent and self-reliant.  They were raised in an era that believed in reform and revolution, allowing them the ideal that they can change the world – if they work hard enough.  They are not afraid of confrontation and will not hesitate to challenge established practices.  They are also very goal-oriented, welcoming challenge and competition – but are so competitive that they may end up “burning the candle at both ends”.  Boomers can tend to have problems adjusting to workplace flexibility trends, as they believe strongly in hierarchical structure and the “rank system”.  Basically – “If it ain’t broke, don’t change it – ever”… which does not lend itself well to adapting to today’s fast-paced technological world.

My view is that this generation is very focused on the more “material gain” aspect of life.  Raised by parents who had very little, they wanted to accumulate more wealth and security by working hard.  This left a smaller portion of time for home life, but gained them a more secure place, and less worry about the bottom “dropping out” from underneath them as it did during the Depression Era of their parents.

Generation X (1965-1980) –   Gen X’ers are largely in their 30s and early 40s.  They are, on the whole, more ethnically diverse and better educated than previous generations.  Over 60% of Gen X’ers attended college.  They hold middle-management and support-staff positions in the workplace, and are very technologically adept.  Generation X came of age in an era of 2-income families, with rising divorce rates and a faltering economy.  This was the beginning of the age of “latch-key” children, which makes them independent, resourceful and self-sufficient.  They also have a tendency to be more accepting of “alternative lifestyles”, a more “live and let live” approach, rather than the more rigid traditionalist views of conformity to society held by previous generations.  Generation X values freedom and responsibility, with many in this generation displaying a casual disdain for authority and structured work hours, they’d rather not be micro-managed and would prefer to work in a “hands-off” management style.  This generation has grown up with the technological advances skyrocketing and changing daily, so have become very adaptable themselves, willing to learn new technologies and comfortable using all the “bells and whistles” associated with the new gadgets that pop up every day.  Unlike the previous generations, Gen X’ers would rather “work to live” than “live to work”.  They appreciate a more relaxed atmosphere in the workplace, and often incorporate humor and games into work activities.  They are very ambitious, and eager to learn new skills, but – want to accomplish things on their own terms.

I belong to Gen X.  I refrain from comment, except to say that yes – we are very independent, and I myself have a LOT of trouble asking for, or accepting help from others.  I take the “I do it myself” approach, most of the time.  And yes, humor plays a big part of my life.

Generation Y (mid-1980’s and later) – Generation Y is the generation of the 20-somethings, just entering the workforce.  They are also known as the “Millenials”, and is the fastest growing segment of today’s workforce.  Gen Y’ers are very tech savvy.  Plugged in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, they prefer to get their information and communications through emails and texts, rather than face-to-face.  This also tends to cause them to expect instantaneous results to their actions, due to the speed of the internet-based society of today.  Gen Y’ers have lost much of their taste for the “fast-track” of the workplace, preferring to trade high pay for a more flexible and balanced work/home life.  Older generations tend to view this as narcissistic or lacking commitment, while Gen Y’ers simply see it as setting their priorities differently – a more “You can’t take it with you – so have fun now” approach to life.  Nurtured and pampered by parents who did not want to make the same “mistakes” as previous generations, Gen Y’ers were raised to be  confident, ambitious and achievement-oriented.  They have high expectations of their employers and are not afraid to question authority.  They want meaningful work, with a solid learning curve.  This generation participated in many group activities growing up, and was part of the “No child left behind” era.  This causes them to focus more on being a part of the team, being included, and also causes them to crave attention – seeking feedback and guidance from those they respect.

Gen Y is the generation of my children.  I see them growing up in a world that is spinning so fast with technological advances, I worry that this “fast track” will swallow them up and spit them out later.  I hope that the values that I’ve taught them will help them to overcome any obstacles, and appreciate the advantages that they have over other generations.  I also know that they will face a myriad of problems, some stemming from past generations not knowing enough to prevent problems – and some stemming from the actions of today.  My kids are strong, smart and have humor bred into them from birth.  I just hope this will help see them through whatever they’ll face – when they cross that bridge that spans the Generation Gap…

And I hope that bridge gets built soon, before the generations start lobbing more than rocks of disdain at one another.  As one person put it…

*Stop blaming the other generations.  After all, it wasn’t so long ago that you were one of “Those stupid kids these days“*

I’m an Oxymoron

I don’t know when it really started, but I’ve realized lately that I’m a complete moron.

An Oxy-moron.

You see, if you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know by now that “Brea” is not my real name, and my children aren’t really named ElderDaughter, YoungerDaughter and OnlySon… nor is my grandson named Little Buddha.  These are all nicknames.  Brea is my online name, and my pagan name, which helps to protect me, as well as my family, from recriminations coming from people who don’t understand my religion.  My children’s privacy is very important to me, so I use the nicknames to guard them.

And yet, using these nicknames… I’ve poured out more of my life, personal and private, here, on this blog, than just about anywhere else.  A little anonimity goes a long way, I guess, toward making me feel secure about spilling such personal details over the internet.  Add in the fact that I’ve made so many dear, supportive friends here, and that just ups my comfort level.

But, as far as my facebook goes… where my given, real-life name resides…

There is very little of the personal, private information out there. 

Why the discrepancy?  Well, maybe it’s a little bit about the fact that my face and real name are so out there.  Maybe it’s, in part, the fact that almost all of the people on my facebook are family, both genetic and chosen, so they know me face to face.  They see me in real life, and it’s harder to be as open there, as vulnerable, as I am here, standing behind the wall of nicknames.  Facebook is much more “reality invasive”, so it’s harder to let even some of those friends/family into the reality that lives behind my face.  A lot of the things that I say here, never make it out into the open air in the real world, except to a very few chosen “inner circle” people that I know.

And this last weekend really drove home the privacy issue.

I’ve gone through stages on facebook of purging people who aren’t really my friends.  I used to be one of the folks who “friended” everyone.  I used to play the games, and scrounged for neighbors amongst strangers.  I actually did make a friend or 2 out there, playing those games, and we are still friends to this day.  Those people aren’t the issue.

The issue is the folks who do know me in real life… but who aren’t really friends or family.  People who think that just because they know me out in the physical world, they need to be my “friend” on facebook. 

I had someone try a guilt trip on me this weekend, shortly after ElderDaughter had Little Buddha in the hospital. 

Let me preface this with the fact that – my facebook is set as “private”.  No one gets to see anything unless they’re actually my “friend”.  This is to protect my privacy, as well as the privacy of my family and other friends.  I still have 2 minor children living in my home, and now I also have ED and Future-Son-In-Law staying with me, with Little Buddha.  Privacy is a premium priority.

And yet, this person, just because she wanted to post something to my wall, got all upset because she was one of the folks that I “unfriended” quite a long time ago… and she had just noticed this fact when she couldn’t access my page.

She hadn’t noticed it when I unfriended her.

But now, she was irritated because she couldn’t do what she wanted on MY facebook page.

And proceeded to send me a “hurt” private message about “Was it something I said?”

And then, when I didn’t respond – (believe me, I had a few things to do over the weekend, and this wasn’t a priority), she confronted me at work. 

Trying to guilt me into “re-friending” her, I’m sure.  And when I didn’t respond in the manner she was hoping for, turning to give me searching looks everytime I pass her at the office.


So, I got pissed.  I’ve posted on fb about possibly deleting my facebook page, to cancel out the problem.  If there’s no facebook page, there isn’t anyplace for people to get pissy about how I run my own freaking page.

This is why I am an oxymoron.

My blog is where I pour my heart, my head – but I do it behind a nickname.

My facebook is all about the mirrors and the “public face”, and yet it carries my real name.

Ass-backwards.  But true.