We All Fall Down

I called it.

He’s not coming on Saturday.

Says there’s some delay to the business he’s working on, & he has to finish it before he can get away to cone see me.

And here I stand, once again, in such a familiar place.

I fucking knew it.

Why do I try?

Silent Sunday 10/8/17

My Love

There are so many ways to love, it staggers the imagination to even contemplate.

I’ve learned, over the years, to never take any scrap of it for granted.

Too many loves lost.

A sister of the heart, taken too soon by cancer.

Lovers, who left me reeling in the wake of their departures.

Ex-husbands who withdrew their affections, leaving their own scars on my soul as they were cut from my heart and life.

Friends, whose deaths were painful reminders that you have to LIVE each moment you have with them, so that you can be the remaining living testament and monument of their life.

This is why I don’t hide my love for others.

This is why I tell the people that I care about, that I love them. 

Because we all need to know.

We need to know that someone loves us.

Without limitation, without obligation, unconditionally, loves us.

When I talk to my Beloved Nephew, my kids, my parents… I always end the call with “I love you”.

Always.

Because I want them to know.

If something were to happen, I want them to remember that our last conversation ended that way.

With Love.

With other friends, it’s more difficult… Awkward, because, some get it tangled up with the sentiment of being “in love”.

The two are not the same.

I am not “in love” with anyone right now, because that has to be reciprocal. It involves knowing someone else well enough to know that that other person has you in their heart the same way you have them in yours. It involves passion as well as compassion. It involves the desire to remain with that one person as a partner.

No one wants me in that way.

But there are plenty of people I love.

If I could tell them…

And while I might not say the exact words out loud…there are other ways to express it.

A teasing text, a “drive safe”, a “sleep well”, a concerned question as to their well-being… All of this and more are ways to show them I love them.

I just wish they’d let me say the words without freaking out. If I could explain, maybe, and yet…I know it’ll end up the same as always. And I’ll be left with the shadow of them disappearing into the distance again.

Because my love seems to be frightening in its intensity, even though it really isn’t. It is given unconditionally, with no expectation of reciprocity. Whether they love me back or not…doesn’t really matter.

I’d still be here for them.

Because that’s who I am.

It kills me over and over, but I die willingly each time. Because love is worth the pain.

I’ve seen both sides.

Love is so worth it.

In talking to the Beloved Nephew tonight, we discussed this post, and I came out with something I had to add.

Unconditional love, by my definition, means that you love someone enough to want only the best for the person you care about – even if that does not involve you.

It might be painful, but that’s not the point. The point is, that the person you love, gets what they need, and that you are happy for them because this means they’ll be better for it. And if that means their life moves away from yours…it doesn’t mean you love them any less…it means you love them enough to give them up. 

To watch someone attain their heart’s desire, their goal, their next step in life, whatever it us – and to cheer them on in their endeavor, this is love. To support them emotionally as they strive for their goal, this is love.

To step back – if they need you to – to walk away – if they need you to – this too is love. Even when it burns.

Babies are born inherently selfish. They have to be in order to survive. They have to reach out and demand everything from those around them just to live and thrive.

Unconditional love is not something we’re born with.

It is something we learn.

It is something we have to be given, in order to give it away.

And, I’ve found, that those I’ve met who understand the true meaning of unconditional love, don’t always come from conventional upbringings.

They don’t always come from the perfect 2 parent households.

But – they always come from a life where someone, somewhere in their life, gave them unconditional love.

They were taught how to love that way.

So, they know how to love that way.

I was taught by many throughout my life. Family, friends, children, lovers…they all showed me in different ways about different facets of love.

So many ways to love.

So many people I love.

I just wish they all understood my love.

Silent Sunday~ Aug. 20, 2017

They Always Leave

I feel as though I will spend the rest of my life mostly alone, with scattered moments of companionship, only to have it broken when they leave.

Because they always do.

I get tired of trying.

It seems as though every time I get anywhere near a relationship with someone, some switch gets flipped in their head that sets off a fear response in them, and they bolt.

Me? I’m just over here being myself. Trying to be a good person, a decent girlfriend, not knowing what the hell is going on when they break for the gate.

I’m not psycho, not clingy, I don’t insist that they only spend time with me, or that they ignore their friends while we’re dating. I try to be supportive, considerate, compassionate, understanding, & patient (although that’s not really one of my assets, I am working on it).

In talking to my friends, they seem to be as baffled as I am when these guys have broken things off, because things seemed to be going so well…then – nothing.

Fear – seems to be the leading culprit, but I don’t know why.

What’s so terrifying about being in a monogamous relationship? 

You get to have someone there, who has your best interests at heart, someone who will have your back when you’re against the wall. Someone who will help you up when you’re down, & will be with you when you’re lonely. Or, conversely, will leave you alone when you need your space – at least – if they know you at all, & know that’s what you need.

You’d have someone who would rub your feet after a long, difficult day, & would laugh with you over the silly, stupid stuff. Also, they’d get mad for you over the times you felt mistreated by others. 

You’d have someone who would take care of you, who you could care for in return…

What’s so awful about that?

What’s so frightening, that men feel the need to run from it at speeds that defy definition?

Geezus, it’s not like I ever got down on bended knee and asked any of them to marry me, or even asked any of them to profess their undying love for me.

I told them how I felt, and left it at that, because I don’t fucking play games, and I’ve lost too many people in my life to not tell those I care about how I feel about them.

I guess, if growing old alone is their idea of happiness, then I’m better off away from them.

But, I just wish I could find one out there that isn’t a coward.

An Open Letter To Joey

Joey,

I don’t use real names on the blog, as a courtesy, to protect those I speak about here. 
You, however, forfeited any right to my protection when you betrayed my trust and shredded my heart.

So, you are the first person I’ve ever outed on my blog in the, oh…let’s see… 9 years I’ve been writing on it? Hope you feel so proud! What a major accomplishment.

When I asked my coworker to say “hi” to you, I really expected nothing in return. You were so cowardly 4 years ago, when you ran away from our relationship then, I honestly didn’t think you’d bother to respond this time around, so yes, it was a surprise when I got your text.

And yes, I’d forgiven you for what happened back then. Stupid of me, in hindsight, but that’s how I am. I can’t hold grudges, and I forgive people, because I figure that…somehow, I deserve to be treated like crap. I don’t know why, but I do, and always have. Maybe that’s why every relationship turns out the way it does, Because you accept what you think you deserve.

Then, YOU asked ME if I’d be willing to give a relationship between the two of us another chance. YOU started this once again. WHY?? If you were just going to bail out at the first curve in the road, what the fuck were you doing asking for another chance?

You said you wanted to take it slow. I said OK. I said, all I needed, was that you “be honest with me, & don’t shut me out”. You said “Ok, I can do that”. 

Liar.

The first chance you got, you shut me out, told me that your phone broke down, & you weren’t getting texts for 2 days. Yeah…sure, cause you wouldn’t be panicking if you didn’t hear from your kids for two days? Right. Whatever.

But, I gave you space, trying to not be “that girl”, the clingy girlfriend that people snicker about behind their hands. You wanted to take it slow, I was giving you slow & patient.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU WANT, JOEY??

Did you do this just to break me again, you bastard?

Did you do this just to watch me fall apart?

Did you do this just to see if you still had the power to hurt me?

Well… *clapping hands in slow motion* Good. Fucking. Job. You win, asshole.

You hurt me.

Boo yah.

Fuck you.

I deserved better than this.

I deserved better than being ghosted, being dumped by someone who asked me for another chance. 

I would have given you everything I had, my love, my patience, my empathy, my understanding, my compassion. You have no idea what you gave up, because you have no fucking clue who I am anymore. 

And you’ve given up any rights to ever get to know me, ever again.

You took all of that…and ran away & hid. For what fucking reason this time, I’ll probably never know.

And now…I no longer care.

I’ve buried your name, buried our relationship, and buried any future there might have been.

This is the last time you will appear here or anywhere in my life.

You are dead…and I bury the dead, Joey.

Gilmored

Ahhh, the Gilmore Girls.

Fast talking, sarcastic, intelligent, funny, and totally devoted to each other & the people they care about.
And one of the few TV shows that sucks me in, every time, no matter how often I’ve watched it.

I got stuck tonight, I tried to watch just one episode. 

Oh, God.

I can’t just watch one episode.

I should’ve known better.

I’m now 6 episodes deep, & I desperately need to go to bed…

But it’s the Bracebridge Dinner episode!

And it’s the beginning of the Luke and Lorelei romance, which is my favorite ‘ship of the show.

I mean… These 2, have the perfect blending of friendship, romantic affection, and “I won’t put up with your shit” for each other.  

No matter how many times I watch, it’s just… Gilmore magic.

Netflix, you’re just evil.

A Far Off Sound

I took some time to sit outside on my front porch, tonight. Spring has finally peered her frousled head over the North Dakota horizon, & the temps have been most cordial to porch-sitting.

Well, it’s more of an extended step, than a porch, but it’s enough to plant my butt on while I stare up at the stars.

And as I sat there… I first unsuccessfully tried to reach E, which was disappointing, & a little depressing. We don’t get to talk much, these days, & I miss it, very much. I thought things would improve once he was back on this side of the ocean… It’s different, but not necessarily better.  I know he’s busy, but – it’s still disappointing.

So, I tucked my phone back in my pocket.

It’s quiet in my neighborhood. I live only a few blocks from the “edge” of town, so I don’t get a lot of city noise. But what I can hear – are the coyotes. Yipping and the occasional howl, off in the distance. And, in my head, I can see the pack, loping through the fields on the other side of the highway; calling out to one another.

They are a family, far off in the distance.

Sitting, alone, on my porch/step… I’m suddenly reminded that I am alone.

How lonely, that yipping, that family, far off in the distance.

*and no less than 20 minutes after posting…. E called. And the lovely sound of his voice soothed away the distance, the loneliness… And once again, I am no longer quite so alone*

375° for 45

I’m done.
I’m cooked.
I’m burnt.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of people who think that they have a free pass to comment on my life, and that they have any right to try to tell me how I should live.

Don’t tell me to “get out there and meet someone new”. I have someone. Whether you approve or not, doesn’t matter to me.
If I ever require your advice – I’ll ask for it. Until then… Remember how I don’t talk much anymore?

There’s a reason for that.

I’m burnt. Burnt out on the guilt trips. Stop making my silence “my fault”. It’s not me trying to punish, it’s me – Wanting to be left alone for a damned minute or 5.  I so seldom get time, to myself, to do what I want – Take Garbo’s words and apply them to my latest profile pic.
I WANT TO BE ALONE.

I’m cooked.
I’m so over being the bad guy all the time. Just because I’m not picking up all the toys scattered throughout the house; the clothes (size 3t), left lying wherever they were removed; not doing all the dishes all the damned time. I’m tired of having to be the one who has to say “no” to everything, & the one who gets the dirty looks when I ask that others chip in and CLEAN THEIR OWN MESS.  Sick a fork in me – Cause…

I’m done.
I’m done with men who think I’m only good for “right now”, but not good enough for keeps.
I’m tired of people who just walk out of my life without so much as a backwards glance, then think they can just pick up where we left off and it’s not going to affect me.

Reflections in the Dark

I was sitting out on my porch step tonight, in the half-light of the bug-repelling, yellow light above my front door.  Just reflecting on all the things that have been happening in my world lately. 

I haven’t told you the half of it.

***My EldestDaughter is almost half-way through her pregnancy, at 17 weeks, she’s started feeling the baby move, and has been able to hear the heartbeat.  She has an ultrasound in a couple of weeks, and is hoping to be able to find out whether she’s having a girl or a boy.  I’m 90% sure it’s going to be a boy… just a gut feeling, but that feeling is pretty strong.  We’ll see how right or wrong it is.  I’m still not sure I’m ready to be a grandma, but we’ll get there.

She’s also been dealing with quite a few dramatic changes in her life, back and forth with her fiance’.  But they’re both young, and this is going to change both of their lives forever, so I don’t blame them for going through a lot of the same ups and downs I went through when I was carrying Eldest.  It’s a hard thing, becoming a parent while you’re still struggling to figure out what it means to be an adult. 

*** Being a single parent at the age of 41 isn’t a picnic, either.  I was a single mom for many years when the girls were little, and now, here I am again.  At least I don’t have to get up at 2am anymore for feedings and diaper changes.  But, there are a different set of struggles being a single parent to teenagers.  Seeking balance is a never-ending thing. 

*** And the dating.  Well, the guy I met through the online dating site, “K”… doesn’t seem to be working out.  We talked on the phone at least once a week, if not twice, for a couple of months, and were finally able to get together for a date about 3 weeks ago.  I haven’t heard from him in over 2 weeks, now, though.  And I’m pretty sure that he’s decided that 400 miles is simply too much.  It is a lot, I’ll admit, but it kind of hurts that he couldn’t even bother to call me to say it out loud.  It’s not like I’d given my heart away, but he said he was such a strong believer in “honesty above all”, that I wonder…

*** Anyway, I’ve moved on.  I actually got back in touch with someone I was seeing before the last online dating site, and found out that “A” and I are much more alike than I originally thought.  He’s been thoughtful, sweet, and attentive.  He makes me feel like someone special, and I missed that.  I missed him.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me blush.  He makes me think, and smile.  I’m being careful with my heart, though.  I think I’m still afraid that things will fall apart, just when I get really attached, so I’m cautious.  Maybe even a little fearful.  I don’t want to be afraid of attachments, so it’s something I’m working on.

*** I had to do something in the last couple of weeks that I really didn’t want to.  I had to give away my Jilly.  She jumped the fence at the bottom of our yard one too many times, and the neighbors called Animal Control.  They told me that I either had to get rid of her, find her a new home, or put her to sleep.  I couldn’t bear to have her put to sleep.  I finally did find her a good home with a gentleman who’s going to have her with him all the time, and has a lot of grandkids for her to love on and play with.  It makes me sad to know that she won’t be here… but it’s also good that she doesn’t have to be locked up here all the time anymore.  She was never a menace to the neighborhood, but a sweet, loving, and playful dog who never would have hurt anybody.  She could barely bring herself to bark at strangers, but instead wanted to hop up into everybody’s laps and be their “bestest good friend”.  I hope she’s as happy in her new home as she was here before the neighbors threw their fit.

*** I’m still stalled on my novel.  I think it’s because I simply suck at endings, of all varieties.  I have trouble saying “goodbye” to anything, so I’m refusing to end the story.  I really do want to finish it, as I won’t feel like I’ve really accomplished my goal until I do, though.  I have to get back to it, maybe cut a huge chunk out, rearrange, and take it a different direction.  The “flow” got dammed up somewhere, and I need to clear away the debris.

*** Which is one of the reasons I started that last Flash Fiction piece, “The Timekeepers”.  This idea struck me one night, as I was fussing around on the computer.  It’s a really dark piece, and I’m going to start writing on that one, in the hopes that it will bring me back around to the novel again.  Once I get the creative muse back in my pocket, whispering the words to me, maybe I’ll find the outlet I need for the bigger work. 

*** I haven’t had any weddings this year to officiate at, but that’s ok with me.  I’ve had so many things happen this year, that I’m really alright with not “doing the wedding circuit”.  I do, however, have 3 seniors whose pictures I’m taking so far this year.  One of them, of course, is my own YoungerDaughter.  This creative photographic undertaking is going to take a lot of hours on the computer, between uploading, fixing, fiddling with, and embellishing photos.  I know that for at least 2 of them, possibly all 3, I’ll be not just reworking the pictures, but creating the invitations and announcements, as well.  It’s a lot of fun, and I really enjoy it, but it is time-consuming, so blog postings might be sporadic for a while yet. 

*** All in all, it’s been a busy few weeks, and I simply haven’t had a lot of energy to write about it, or the desire to rehash some of it so soon.  I went through a bout of strep throat last week, and was really sick for about 4-5 days.  I hated feeling so helpless, especially when I knew that my kids were depending on me for things, but I really had to lean on them for a while.  They both stepped up and made life a lot easier for me.  They really are great kids, and I’m lucky to have them.

Even with all the teenage drama floating like giant gas balloons around the house, just waiting for a match to be struck. 

Drama? Where??

I think I stashed a fire extinguisher around here… somewhere… right?