Something I’ve Never Been

Well, I got my down-time, in an unexpected way.

I ended up with pneumonia, & had to stay home for a couple of days. 

Not exactly what I was going for, but then again, is it ever?

I have, however, had a lot of time to think. Which could be good or bad, considering who’s doing the thinking, since I tend to overthink every-fucking-thing. 

I’m tired of being alone all the time. I’m tired of my days consisting of nothing more than work, working out, & working on the book & house. 

And while I adore my Beloved Nephew, having my only real adult conversations be on the phone with someone hundreds of miles away…well, sometimes it lacks a little something.

Ok, I’ll come right out and say it. 

I want to date again. I want to feel desirable and wanted, and I want someone to look in my eyes and see me again. I want someone to hold my hand, to push my hair back behind my ear as they lean in for a kiss, and to cuddle with me on cold evenings.

I want to walk through the park in the brisk fall air, crunching the leaves beneath my boots & breathing in the autumn scents. I want to sit & listen to another person talk about their day, tell me all about it. 

I want to feel them lying next to me in bed, heartbeat under my hand…falling asleep together, and waking up the next day to tangled limbs & avoiding each other’s morning breath.

I want the disagreements, because they’re fucking normal, and to be able to work through them and talk them out like the grownups we are, even if we both have to throw mini hissy-fits first. 

I want the long days where it seems like nothing’s gone right, and the long nights that you never want to end. I want the passion and the friendship and the affection and the laughter and the tears, yes, even the tears, as long as we can overcome them. 

I want to be normal, and be like those couples I see out at restaurants & in stores, laughing with each other, telling inside jokes – I want to have inside jokes with someone again. 

I want all of these things, but then…my heart stutters, my eyes well up, & I remember that everyone leaves me.

I don’t get to have normal.

I don’t know why…

But it’s something I’ve never been.

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Heartbeat

This evening was beautiful.

I spent some time outside, knowing it was probably going to be one of the few, really nice days left of the fall weather.

I mowed, & planted my lily bulbs for next spring.

I got back in touch with the heartbeat of the earth, and with my own.

And while I was working my hands in the dirt…I was thinking about “Things”.

How many “things” I have.

How many I care about.

Whether I care about “things” at all.

And I came to a conclusion.

The only things I truly Care about…

All have a heartbeat.

My family, chosen and blood, my friends, my 2 cats.

Everything else can be replaced.

But not the heartbeats.

Those are finite.

I’ve lost a few of those over the years, and a handful just within the last couple of years. They are irreplaceable. Gone forever, they exist now only in my memories, and in the memories of the others whose lives they touched.

And, sometimes it hurts, knowing that the only way I can connect to the heartbeats I love so much is through the phone.

This is why I’ve thought about moving closer to my Beloved Nephew.

At least being there, I know I’d be near someone who truly wanted me to be there. Someone who values my heartbeat as much as I value his. As Chosen Family, and my best friend, our friendship is one of those irreplaceable things I cherish.

And here… Well, after everything that’s happened here, I do have a couple of good friends, but no romantic life… and pretty much only painful reminders of heartbreak and rejection. Not exactly a rousing endorsement to stay.

So, I’m going to pack my heartbeat up in cotton, and pad it against breakage for the coming cold months. I’ll work on savoring the moments I get to have with those I cherish, even if it’s only over the phone, and get rid of a few “things” I no longer need.

There’s plenty I can do without.

I Bury The Dead

I had a rough time last night. 

Drank too much.

Cried – way too much.

Probably talked too much.

Spoke to an old friend, someone who was kind enough to take pity on drunk & crying me, who talked me down from my emotional ledge.  

Something we discussed stuck with me.

He asked me what I was going to do today.

I replied “Recover”.

He asked what I meant by that, and I answered that when shit like this happens to me…I bounce.

And then I had to correct myself.

“Well, after all the shit I’ve been through, I guess I don’t really bounce anymore…I just bury it, and move on.”

He asked why I bury it, why I don’t just let it go?

“Because I bury the dead. And if I let it go, I don’t learn from it, and it happens again.”

Then I laughed at myself, and said it didn’t really matter what I did, because it always happens again, anyway. 

Every time I open up and trust someone with my heart, I end up with a knife in it.

But, after thinking about it for a while, I did realize something.

I can’t let these things go.  Because when I let go of the hurt, and the wrong done to me… That’s when I forgive them. And they get another chance.

That’s what happened with J.
And look what he did with his forgiveness.

I’m too trusting, too forgiving, too nice…and I find it impossible to hold a grudge. But when someone crosses a unforgivable line with me, I can cut them off like split ends and they cease to exist in my life.

Just ask my brother.

So, no.

I won’t let it go.

I won’t forgive.

I will never forget.

And he will never be allowed another chance to hurt me, ever again.

This is why I bury the dead.

Too

Well…that seems to be the end of that.

Another one bites the dust.

Silently, disappearing, once again.

He chose to do the one thing guaranteed to hurt me, and shut me out. Left me in the dark, in the dust, and vanished.

He had borrowed a DVD set from me, however, so I drove to his house today while he was at work, and asked his daughter for it. She was nice enough to hand it to me, even checked to make sure all the discs were there, and I thanked her and left.

Since he refused to answer my texts, I figured he didn’t want to see me, either, so this way…now he doesn’t have to, and I have my property back with no fuss.

It hurts.

Yes, it hurts.

So, tonight…I drink.

To forget, for a little while, that I was stupid enough to trust, once again.

I’ve been told before that I’m Too nice. Too forgiving. Too trusting. 

Maybe I need to learn how to be a bitch.

Maybe I need to become hard, stop caring. Stop feeling. Turn off my heart.

Can someone teach me how to stop being Too?


Need/Want/Wish

There are differences between a Need, a Want, and a Wish.

I Need air and water and food and sleep (some of these things more than others…some I make due with less)

I Want to make my personal goal weight (working on it, slowly but surely), I want to save enough money to visit my Beloved Nephew (working on that too), and I want to eventually work up the courage to write that damned book that the Beloved Nephew keeps hounding me to write!

I Wish I could win the lottery. I wish I could have met Alan Rickman before he passed away, and I wish Chester Bennington was still alive.

See the differences yet?

Needs are things I have to have to continue to live. Air, food, water, sleep…all necessary to life. All things I MUST have, no joke, no choice, no substitutions.

Wants are things I’d like in my life, but have to work for. I get that, and don’t have a problem with working for the things I want. 

Wishes are things that are amorphous and probably not going to happen, at least not anytime soon, if at all. I can wish as hard as I want on a million stars…but it will never bring Alan or Chester back. And the lottery is – kind of a long shot.

I Want a partner to share in my life…but I don’t Need a man to continue to live…I just Wish I could figure out what the hell is going on. Hot and cold, talkative one day, then silence.

After the last 4 years, and all the broken promises E put me through, then the manipulation, the guilt, the breakup & the stalking…I was Hoping for something a little better, something a little easier. 

I Need Clarity.

I Want Honesty

I Wish he’d talk to me, instead of shutting me out, like he promised he wouldn’t do.

I Deserve better than this. 

Get it?



Feathers


So soft and delicate, I hold this fragile thing in my hands. Praying I don’t grip too tightly, hoping my anxious, trembling touch doesn’t drop it.

I see every floating tendril, moving gently in the breeze, tickling my palm, and my eyes alight with happiness. It brings me such joy, this beautiful representation of flight.  

I wish I could hold it close, put it in my pocket, keep it safe with me forever, but I know that would destroy it’s shape, tear apart it’s very form and it’s beauty, and that I cannot do.

So, as much as it will hurt me…

When the time comes…

I will let it go.


Headspace

After this last weekend, I feel as though I’ve been on a rollercoaster that ran through a tornado.

On fire.

Well, maybe not on fire, literally…

But, my brain sure hasn’t slowed down long enough to catch up with all that’s happened to my emotions.

It started on Wednesday.

I was talking to one of my coworkers, who just so happens to live in the same town as my first ex-husband.

And I asked her if she ever saw him around…and if she did, to say “hi” to him from me.

Long history short, I was trying to let him know that there were no hard feelings over the past, & that everything was cool with my end of the world as far as we were concerned.

That night, I received a text from a unknown number, with a photo attached.

Of 2 of my coworkers…and my ex-husband.

Who – just coincidentally happened to run into each other at the state fair. 

Cause this shit happens in my life.

Thinking the unknown number was said coworker, I replied “LOL, what a coincidence!”

And got a reply from — my ex-husband.

Who I proceeded to text back & forth with for the next two days.

Who asked me to go out to dinner with him Friday night, which I did.

And then, proceeded to ask me if there was a possibility that we could try again for a relationship.

Buckle up.

Click……..click……click… click ..click click…click…..click…clickclickclickclick…

J and I have a long history. 

In the past when we first met, we moved way too fast, didn’t know how to handle conflict, or each other, & we each had things we needed to do, places we needed to go, people we needed to be…and we couldn’t do that together – not the first time around. Our marriage blew up in our faces after a short & stormy whirlwind of a relationship.

4 years ago, we found each other again, and…once again, tried to move things along way too fast. At least, he seemed to want it that way, until he suddenly disappeared off the radar after only a month of dating. I was left, floundering & confused, not knowing what had happened, and without any communication from him…

I wrote a letter, telling him that I was hurt, but that if he ever decided he was ready to talk, he knew where to find me.  I still loved him, but couldn’t hold onto someone who didn’t want to be with me. I had to try to let go.

Hence, telling the coworker to pass along the “hi”.

I knew he’d never make the first concession, never say the first word.

So, I nudged the brake.

And the rollercoaster took off.

I’m not sure where the ride will take us, just yet.

I’m still anxious about being left in the dark, alone & silent, again.

Although, I asked for 2 things.

That he be honest, and that he not shut me out. Whatever comes up, we talk about it. 

Everything is new and fragile, yet familiar…I know this man, I feel so comfortable talking to him, being around him. It’s natural, like breathing in and out.

My headspace is so full…

And the tornado spins.