I have been suffering from a mild form of insomnia for a long time now.
Trouble falling asleep.
Trouble staying asleep.
Trouble getting through the whole day without spacing out.
I know that I need to get more sleep, but when the time comes to go to bed, I yawn, I stretch, I find a comfortable position and snuggle up to my blankets and pillow…
And lie there, wide awake for a long time, before finally dozing off for a couple of hours.
Only to be woken up again, from a nightmare, or a noise, or just an uncomfortable shift in position. I flip over, resituate, and try for sleep again.
To wake up a couple of hours later, yet again, even though it may be only for a brief moment, as I check the time. If it says anything earlier than 7:00, I roll over and go back to sleep, or try to.
When the alarm goes off, I roll out of bed, exhausted and growly, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, not wanting to speak to anyone if I can help it. Give me my Diet Coke and a couple of hours, and I’m fine – but first thing in the morning… grrr.
About 2:30 – 3ish, I hit the wall. And maaayyybe catch a second wind somewhere a little later in the afternoon, or at least, around 9:00 in the evening.
Barring allergies, which will make me not only exhausted, but extremely irritable and flash-tempered.
On the weekends? I don’t mind the insomnia, because it allows me to sit up, watching old movies, playing games, or writing. And some of my best words happen at about 3 or 4 am on the weekends. I get very lost in the fantasy-land in my head, where everything is slightly foggy and far-away.
But during the week, this makes for some difficult days, struggling to just make it through till it’s time to leave for the evening. I have to make sure and get up a few times, walk around the office, have interactions with people, just to wake up again – because after staring at the computer screen for a couple of hours, I feel like my eyes are burnt-sockets in my head.
I know the issues I face aren’t mine alone. I know that others, friends, suffer from insomnia too. I think part of the problem might be from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) The lack of enough sunlight and warmth throws everything off.
But I can’t get right. So I’ll struggle for a couple more months, fight my way out of this foggy bag of non-sleep. And I’ll make it out the other side.
We play this game – sleep and I – every year.