A Work in Progress

My parents told me, when I was born, that I was perfect.

But I wasn’t.

I was, instead, a perfectly formed container of pure potential.

Potential to succeed – potential to fail.

Potential to grow, potential to wither.

And it was up to me to use this potential.

I was a work in progress.

They say that I was formed by my surroundings.

To a certain extent, that is true.

We are, all of us, affected by every single thing that happens to and around us throughout our lives.  The people we come into contact with, change us irrevocably, and forever.  As we change them.

And, as the human animals that we are, we are also affected by the things that exist within us, as well.  Instinct, honed by millions of years of evolution, have created a race of beings with the potential for greatness.  Whether great joy, or great tragedy – is completely up to us as a species.  Personal emotions and ideas form the way we interact with the world, aside from the “trained responses” that are part of society and parenting, pushing us to make decisions either for gain or for loss.

And we make mistakes.

I know I do.

Sometimes, out of frustration, or anger, or some other strong, passionate emotion, I will say things that I will later regret.  I have done things in the past that I am not so proud of.  People I’ve hurt, including myself, have been affected by my words, my actions, in ways that I cannot truly comprehend.

Sometimes, I don’t live up to my potential.  I fall down, as the imperfect being that I am.  I stumble and give way to the instinctual “flight or fight” responses that every living, sentient species has within them.  I can be angry, and depressed, and occasionally petty or small-minded. 

I can, however, also be filled with joy, and laughter and genuine helpfulness, caring and compassion for my fellow earth-dwellers.

Be patient with me, please. 

I am a work in progress.

And in the future, there will be times when I will stumble, because I’m not perfect. 

But I have potential.

And I know, this may sound strange – coming from someone who follows the Wiccan faith – but the words are strong in their potential, and carry their own weight, no matter who speaks them.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as We forgive those who trespass against us.”

If I have harmed you in the past, I apologize.  I will endeavor to keep myself from causing harm in the future, but I cannot guarantee perfect success.  I will endeavor to live up to my potential, to work at becoming more than I am today.  I will strive.

We are all of us imperfect beings – full of perfect potential.

Works in Progress.

Eternal Sunshine of a Twisted Mind

Sunshine… on my shoulders… makes me happy…

Sunshine… in my eyes can make me cry…

Sunshine on the water looks so lovely…

And it looks even better on my blog!

I was surprised and pleasantly so, yesterday, when I was informed by a visitor that she had given me the Sunshine Award!

Dr. Sherry E. Showalter nominated me for this, and I am honored to accept, after checking out her blog, and learning that she is a speaker and psychotherapist about loss and grief, and has written a book entitled “Healing Heartaches – Stories of Loss and Life”.

Helping others deal with loss is something that I’m familiar with, and it’s something that fulfills me in a way I never thought possible.  And finding other people out there (of which I’ve met SO MANY since I’ve started blogging) who lend their shoulders, ears, hearts, and hankies to others to help them through the grieving process – it’s amazing at the generosity of the human race behind the scenes.  These healers of the heart, often wounded themselves in some way, are almost never recognized for all they do, or for everyone they’ve helped.  But I aim to recognize some of them today!

And now, for the instructions. I was told to answer some questions, so here you go!

Favorite Animal:   Ok, so I know it’s supposed to be a “real” animal… but I can’t choose just one.  Cats, dogs, horses, goats, mice, hamsters, ferrets, teenage children… they’re all beloved animals to me!

Favorite Number: 3
Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink: Diet Coke
Facebook or Twitter: Facebook
My Passion: Writing, truly – madly – deeply
Getting or Giving Presents: Sure, I like getting, but I’d rather give.  I like watching people’s faces when they open something and realize it’s funny/cute/just what they wanted but didn’t know it/totally twisted and hilarious
Favorite Pattern: Um…Simple…
Favorite Day of the Week: Saturday
Favorite Flower: Carnations

And, of course, I’m supposed to nominate others to receive this award as well!  All deserving, and you should really go check them out –

1.  Mark – The Idiot:  Don’t let the nickname fool you, he’s one of the warmest, funniest, most compassionate people I’ve ever met.  And, he’s totally twisted too, so GO READ!  His blog is The Idiot Speaketh, and I’m honored to call him my BloggingBigBro.  Just don’t believe half the stuff you read, cause he’s got a wild imagination, and has no fear of using it to make himself look foolish!

2.  Mary at Fibromy-Awesome:  This gal has a voice that just won’t quit.  She is a funny, positive force out there, working on just getting through every day with a smile and a handful of wisdom that just seems like it’s common sense everyone should know.   

3. Sparrow at Sparrow’s Ramblings:  When you’re talking awards, Sparrow’s always on my list.  She’s one of my best friends, and she has helped me through some really tough times of my own – with a sarcastic wit and a compassionate heart, always willing to take on another’s burdens, in spite of her own life being a whirl of teenagers and jobs and drama that ensues from those. 

4. Dragonfae at Among the Crystals, Dragons and Fae:  A constant source of support and internet hugs, this lady is spectacularly unique and funny.  Smart, as in builds satellites, and wise as in knows the right things to say at the right moments.  Truly, a kick-ass lady with a heart of titanium – because it is stronger and can stand up to the rigors of space, of COURSE!

5. Mckenzie with a lil k at The Unabridged Girl:  This girl, her laughter is infectious; her compassion is boundless, and her talent is limitless.  She has a knack for knowing just what to say or do to make the sun come out on any given gloomy day.  With a quirky sense of humor and a gift for thinking sideways, she’s one of my treasured blogging friends.

Whew… so many people to nominate…

I’m going to stop at 5, instead of the previously stated 10 that Dr. Showalter nominated.  My fingers are all twisted and cramped now, and I don’t want to give anyone too long of a list to go check out all at once!

I’ll just end with this for today:

Even though the paths may wind

Through the shadows in my mind

Even darkness has its end

If you search around the bend

Twisted though the journey be

Sunshine appears – even with me.

In The Beginning

It started with a book.

This book.

Originally, I just thought it was a book about a lost little girl, one who’d been abused by her parents, and had decided to “adopt” a new family, Fynn and his mum, in pre-2nd-world-war England.  I have no recollection of where I got this book, who gave it to me, or why it was in my possession, but I’ve had it for as long as I can remember, and it’s one book that I think I will always have in my library. 

I know it may seem strange to some, but this is the book that got me started thinking about religion vs. spirituality, church vs. faith, and how I fit in to this realm of theology that I had known all my life, but wasn’t really happy with.

This book made me think about what “God” meant to me, and how we fit into each other’s lives.

Anna was a “bomb with legs on”, as the author, Fynn put it.  She had a multitude of questions and ideas, seemingly too grown-up for a child of 4-5-6-7.  But the ideas that she had, the logic she used to answer the questions fermenting in her brain, and the simplicity with which she described her conclusions, drove a spike of light into my own head at a very early age.  And it split my head wide open to a whole new world, and a new way of looking at everything around me.  With childlike curiosity, an open heart, and eyes that saw more than just what was immediately visual, Anna taught me how to “Ask the right questions” of myself, and everything else.

I think I was about 9 when I read this book for the first time.  And while I wasn’t able to truly understand a lot of the science and math (still can’t, for that matter, I suck at math), I was able to grasp the simplest of her messages.

That God didn’t exist only in Church, and that Heaven wasn’t really a place up above the clouds, with a benevolent old man sitting on a throne, waiting to see if you could be “good enough” to get beyond his pearly gates when you died.

God lived inside you.  And God wasn’t necessarily how I’d been taught to think of him.  That he didn’t care if you went to church, because that wasn’t the important bit.  That he didn’t care if you gave him money, because what was he going to spend it on?  That the important bit?  Was just this:

[“Our local parson was taken aback when he asked her about God.  the conversation went as follows:
‘Do you believe in God?’
‘What is God then?’
‘He’s God!’
‘Do you go to church?’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I know it all!’
‘What do you know?’
‘I know to love Mister God and to love people and cats and dogs and spiders and flowers and trees’ – and the catalog went on- ‘with all of me.’
Anna had bypassed all the nonessentials and distilled centuries of learning into one sentence:  ‘And God said love me, love them, and love it, and don’t forget to love yourself.’]


Anna also spoke to Fynn about the nature of God’s gender, and she ended up coming to the conclusion that he had to be male.  Her explanation involved a piece of popped balloon, and a finger pushed partially through it, to show the genders.   And the funny part to me was that, while she knew, irrevocably, that this logic she used meant that God had to be male, it was just the proof that I knew told me that Deity was neither male, nor female alone, but both.  You have to have both, in nature, or species die.  Without both male and female, there is no continuity of any living thing. 

The real point I’m trying to make here, isn’t that I want anyone to follow my logic, or my path, or even Anna’s, for that matter.  The ways we came to our conclusions are varied, and I have often disagreed with some of the answers she came to in the book.  It doesn’t matter.

What matters – is that it got me to ask questions.  Both of myself, and of everyone else.  And to find the answers to those questions, for myself, I had to open my eyes wide, look around with an open mind, look inside myself with an opened-up consciousness, and open my heart to the possibility that all that I’d known before – was going to fall apart in the new light.

I was brought into Anna’s world at the age of Nine.  Anna herself never saw 9.  She never made it to 8 years old.  But what she brought to Fynn’s world, and to all the people who’ve read about her since… is immeasurable. 

This story was a story about a lost soul, and the journey of finding its way to the light of understanding.  But it wasn’t Anna who was lost.  It was Fynn.  And Anna was the guide who took him by the hand, gently, with a smile and a giggle, and walked him down the path to his own truth.  He was a real person.  So was Anna.  This is not a book of fiction, or fantasy.  It is a true accounting, made by someone who not only knew this little girl, and loved her, but missed her with a grief that was so all-encompassing it took him 30 years just to work up the ability to write her story down. 

In the end, everyone has to find their own Anna, their own light-bringer, someone, or something that helps them open up to the world of possibilities.  There’s no magic to it, no instruction manual, no sign posts along the way.  There’s the desire to know, the yearning for understanding, the quest for your own truth, and the willingness to accept that all the answers – might not be the ones you were looking for.  But, as long as you have the answer, you can work your way back to the question it fits, in time, and find the light of truth – waiting for you to come home.

In the beginning, for me, there was Anna.  And she brought me the light, and it was good.

*Today’s post is my 500th post on this blog.  I wanted it to be something special – hence, I bring you Anna.  Someone extraordinary.

Earth, Air, Fire & Water

Earth – I worked my butt off this weekend in my yard.  Trees and hedges were trimmed, grass was mowed, weeds sprayed and cut down.  In working on my back yard, I discovered that the ground is still so saturated from all the flooding up here this summer, it was like mowing down a swamp.  My gas-powered mower was required to get any of the bottom of the yard finished, and even then it kept choking up because of all the wet foliage ground and mashing inside the blades.  It was a long, slow process of start – mow- splutter – stop- clear – start again.  But I got it done, and after spraying for weeds, at least tentatively, I hope it will help.

It felt great to get my hands elbow-deep in greenery again, though.  Trimming away the wild stuff, re-shaping the landscape, there’s a deep sense of accomplishment and personal satisfaction that goes along with finishing the job.  There are still a couple of issues that need to be taken care of as far as weeds go, but they are minor clean-up.  All in all, I got a lot done, and it looks great again. 

AIR~ I love having the wind in my hair.  I hate driving with the windows closed, sitting in my house without at least one window open, or the front door, or the ceiling fan in the living room running.  Even when it starts to get cooler outside, I want the fan on the furnace running to keep air circulating through the house, and I prefer to have the ceiling fan in the living room going almost non-stop.  Even if that means scrunching down under a blanket because it’s getting chilly in the house at night.  I don’t care.  I hate the closed-in, stale air feeling of a closed up house or car.  This is just one of the reasons I don’t care much for winter, or even high summer, for that matter.  Both pretty much require having the house and vehicles closed up to alternately run heat or air conditioning.  I’d much rather have the freshness of Mother Nature’s breath than the recycled over-heated or over-cooled canned air.

This drives my children crazy.  Why?  Because there’s always a breeze in the house, sometimes a rather chilly one, and they end up buried in fleece to stay warm.  Ah well, can’t please everyone, right?  Just mom.

Fire – Seems I had a fire going in my head this weekend.  I had a hard time sitting still, and when I tried it, I ended up jumping up just a couple of minutes later, restless and bored silly.  Yes, this means I got a lot of work done, inside and outside of the house – but it also means that I started over-analyzing a lot of things in my life (namely, the whole “dating thing”).  I’m having trouble reconciling a lot of the things that have been going on, and as much as I want to, I can’t seem to resolve any of the issues involved.  I know that I need to break contact with one of the gentlemen I’ve been talking to, as there have been a few “red flags” waved in my face over the last few days.  But then, I have trouble with goodbyes.  And it would be easier to just fight, and storm off in a rage, but there’s been nothing really to fight about.  I can’t just start a fight for the sake of fighting, I hate confrontation. 

And I know, in my head, that right now is one of my “Danger-Will-Robinson!” moments.  I keep hearing this little pessimistic voice in my head telling me to just “scrap the whole dating thing, it’s never going to work”.  Among other nasty little comments I’ve heard my own voice say to me inside over the years.  It’s low self-esteem, and a fear of getting hurt that jump in and tell me to RUN AWAY – BAIL!  I’m tired of running, but I’m scared.  Never a good combination.

Which leads me to…..

WATER ~ Emotionally, I’m about 2 minutes from digging a hole, crawling in it, and pulling the rock over the top to hide under for a while.  I know what drives this flight response, but I can’t seem to fight it.  Anxiety about the unknown.  It’s terrifying.  I told friends on Facebook the other night that I was going into “lurk mode”.  I do this from time to time, when I’m emotionally exhausted, or scared of a situation.  I feel like I’ve been swept out by a riptide, and can no longer touch bottom.  I need the water to wash away all this fear-stink and buoy me up so I can swim to the shore. 

Physically?  I’ve had enough of water to last for a long, long time.  I still love the sound that the rain makes when it hits the roof at night, and in fact, it rained again tonight.  There was a crack of thunder so loud at the beginning of the storm, that my children both jumped and looked to me to assure them that it hadn’t actually hit our front yard.  But again, there’s still so much water soaked into the ground here that I could probably grow lily pads in my back yard – and not have to water them for a month.  We. Don’t. Need. Any. More. Rain.  As much as I love the sound the water makes as the drops hit the roof, I cringe whenever I hear it start, because then I think about where all that water’s going to go…namely, probably my basement, again.

Take all these elements and put them together, and you get the fifth element – the human element of :

SPIRITMine has been rather “turtlish” lately.  Namely, tucked in and hiding from things that frighten it.  I suppose it’s a natural reaction, but I’m tired of hiding.  Tired of running.  There are things I still need to finish (like the novel – no, I didn’t forget about it, I just… set it aside, afraid to finish), and there are other things that need doing.  Both within and without, to bring my balance back.  I’m working on them, slowly but surely. 

And someday, I might even get there.

Tuesday Theology – An it Harm None

The main tenet of the Wiccan faith is the Rede, shown above.

Basically?  It means that as long as you are not harming anyone, including yourself, you are free to do what you wish in your life.

Imagine that.  Freedom of choice.  Freedom of will.

Freedoms that we now enjoy in our nation.

After the news on Sunday night, I know that many people rejoiced that one of the world’s most heinous terrorists had been stopped from ever harming another living soul.  I was one of the people that found this to be welcome news.


I also know that there are many people out there that find the idea of killing someone, even someone as evil as that man was (I don’t wish to give his name anymore space here, or anywhere, because names have power), to be just as wrong as what he did.

I disagree.

I do believe that you need to refrain from doing harm, to the best of your ability and knowledge. 

When I do any magick, and when I teach people about the ethics of Wicca and Witchcraft, I teach them that they need to be mindful of the consequences their actions could have.  They need to remember that all actions have results, and when you seek to change the world around you, you not only have to be aware of the changes you’re seeking to make, you also need to remember that everything you do, will affect others.  Not always positively.


You have to accept it for the things you do in your life.

And whether that man ever took any real responsibility for the horrible things he did, is debatable.  I won’t debate them here, however. 

He’s being judged by a power by far higher than anything that we humans could ever hope to be. 

But, to get back to “An It Harm None”.

Yes, you should seek to avoid harming others.

But when the cost of not harming is greater by far, such as in leaving a man to run free, and allowing him to cause so many others to be harmed, or killed, on his orders… then something has to be done.

And yes, his followers may choose to follow in his footsteps.

But he won’t be making any new ones.

And his days of harming others….. are over.

I, for one, breathe a little easier today.

And, whether you believe in Allah, God, the Goddess, Buddha, or any of the other millions of names of God, Cosmic Karma, or whatever – Justice and Responsibility will always catch up with your actions.  Whether it happens in this life or the next, it will come. 

It has come for him.

“I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.” — Mark Twain

Tuesday Theology – Beltane

May 1st is Beltane.  It’s a joyous celebration of Spring, complete with flowers, ribbons and fire.

And yes, it’s a fertility holiday, too. 


It’s not just about that.

Beltane is a fire holiday that celebrates not only the creation of new life, but the creation of prosperity.  In the old days, people would light the Beltane bonfires in celebration of the sun returning in full force to help everything grow.  Couples would hold hands and jump the flames to show their commitment to one another, with those that jumped the flames at their highest, without letting go of each other’s hands, bringing good luck to their relationship for the years to come.  Usually, the eldest couple in the village would wait till the end of the night, when the fire had dimmed to just coals, and holding hands, they’d step over the remaining fire calmly.  This was the culmination of the night, and afterwards, everyone would take some of the leftover coals home to light their hearthfires, knowing that they contained all that hope and love that had been infused into it by the people that leapt the flames.

The villagers would also bring their cattle, and drive them past the bonfires, to bring fertility to their herds, and luck to their farms.

Beltane is about the earth breaking open, to release the magick of the seeds that had lain just under the surface, and growing into the crops, flowers and grass that was necessary for life.

It’s about the breaking open of all sorts of magick, that’s lain fallow over the winter, waiting for its moment to come forth and spill good luck and prosperity over those that wish for it.  It’s about the fulfillment of hopes and dreams, and seeing the beginning of new and wonderful things in your life, after waiting through the darker times, and working for this new start.

And then, there’s the maypole.

Young maidens and young men were typically chosen to dance around the maypole, weaving the ribbons round it in a certain pattern.

It was designed to bring the young people together, allowing them to meet one another in a supervised setting, giving the parents a chance to find “good matches” for their children in the future.  It was also about “weaving the magick” to the earth, through the wooden pole stuck into the ground, making it stay in one place, to “hold” the magick and good luck in one place, ensuring the prosperity of the villagers for the whole year.

This Beltane, some friends and I are finishing a ritual that we began at Ostara.  Eggs were cleaned out, decorated, and a slip of paper containing our hopes and wishes were placed inside of them, and sealed with tissue and wax.  In this way, we were “planting” our dreams, giving the magick time to grow within.  At Beltane, we will crush the eggs in our ritual, releasing the magick into reality, and burning the slips of paper to deliver our dreams to the God and Goddess, in the hopes that they will be received and fulfilled for us.

No one speaks about their wishes that were written, safeguarding the magick with silence.  I know, though, that the magick has already begun.  Speaking with one of the others, as well as my own experiences, tells me that this is so.

And on Sunday….. everything will become the reality that I’ve been wishing for.

So Mote It Be.

Random Moments of Fiction and Pain

I feel like a fraud, lately.

I’ve been struggling, emotionally, trying to figure out what my life really is, who I am, and where I’m going.  And in the process, people are getting hurt.

Because I’ve been sleeping, or rather, pretending to sleep, for a long time.

And I know that I’m as equally at fault as anyone else.

Because I let it happen.

I stayed silent, where once – I would have been speaking my mind.

I let things slide, where once – I would have taken a stand.

And I buried my own needs, emotional and otherwise, for the good of others.

I was raised to believe that everyone else’s happiness was more important than my own.  That, if there was time, in my spare moments, I could etch out a little happiness for myself, but to make sure that everyone else was seen to first.  Because it was all about helping others realize their potential happiness.

Being a good hostess, being a good friend, being a good daughter, sister, cousin, being a good mother and wife.  Making sure that the family had all the best I could give them, no matter the cost.  Being the caretaker and the guide.  The teacher and the counselor.  These were the things that mattered most.  Your own happiness is always secondary, an afterthought.

I know that some might call this a mid-life crisis, and try to write it off as a momentary flash of insanity.  But that’s not true.

It’s actually a flash of sanity, in an insane life.

I wrote to some friends that:

“There is no one, single defining moment that can be found, explained, or defended. There is only the moment when suddenly, one day, you wake up and wonder where you are, how you got here, and who the hell is that looking back at you in the mirror.

I woke up recently. And I’m still not sure I like the person in the mirror.

So, I’m setting out to change my reflection to one that I can not just live with, but respect, and have confidence in. And the only person that can make those changes – is me.”

This is the reason why I chose to do fiction last week, because the headspace I was in, was not really for public consumption.  Fiction was so much safer than real life.

Last night, I told my husband of almost 13 years, that I want a divorce.  And I moved down into the basement bedroom, to provide us both with some space.  The living situation in our city right now, is not really conducive to either of us leaving at this time.  There’s almost literally, nowhere to go.  And so, I’ve moved to the spare bedroom, recently vacated by EldestDaughter.

So please, dear readers, forgive me if I lapse into random moments of fiction now and again.  Sometimes, truth is more painful than fiction.

Tuesday Theology – SPRING!

March 20th signals the Spring Equinox, and I am SO READY!

Spring Equinox is one of 2 days of the year when the light and the dark are nearly identical in length.  This is when we in North Dakota generally truly begin to feel the warmth of the returning sun, and the signs that life is returning to us once again.

I, myself, begin to start getting horrible cabin-fever about this time of year, after hibernating for the last few months.

Wiccan theology paints the Goddess, at this time, as the Maiden Spring – Persephone returned from the depths of Hades, and once again reunited with her mother, Demeter.  Persephone is gowned in flowers, and is followed by rabbits, ducklings, lambs, and all manner of baby animals.  She is the first blush of Spring, the mist of green that adorns the trees and carpets the ground, telling us that the grass will be returning shortly.  She is the joy of sunlight and music, after the long cold silence of winter.

And to celebrate this, we paint eggs and we plant seeds, infusing them with magickal wishes for the upcoming growing season.  We plant our hopes and dreams in the fertile soil of the world, nurturing and watering them carefully, providing them with the warmth of our hearts and protecting them from harm by keeping quiet about them.  Like making a wish on a birthday candle, you don’t speak about it, allowing them to sprout in their own way, with the consent and aid of the Goddess and God.   Knowing that, if they come to fruition, then they were meant to be beneficial to us.  And, that if they do not grow, that it was not the right wish, or maybe, not the right time for it.

And so, this Spring, I plant the seeds I wish to come to fruition.  I will nurture them, care for them, and nourish them with my hopes and love.  If it is meant to be, the Goddess will allow them to grow.  I have faith that what is meant, will happen. 

And, I have already had my sign that Spring is coming.  The geese are back in the park.

Wish #1 – fulfilled!

Sanctuaries in Time

I have always been a person that loves nature.  Throughout my life, I’ve found great joy and peace through climbing trees, walking through the woods, and crawling my way down a cliff that we had behind our house in Iowa.

And there were certain places, special places, that I always fled to, when I was really down, or simply needed the peace and serenity that these places held for me. 

The first such place, was at the bottom of that cliff I mentioned, in my hometown of Nora Springs, Iowa.  The Shell Rock River ran behind my house, and at the bottom of the cliff, there was  a small path, which ended at a large rock situated on the edge of the river.  Whenever I was needing time and space to myself, or fleeing troubles, I would go to this place, tucked away at what, for me, was the back of beyond, and outside of reach of others.

I could lay in the sunshine, with the rush of the water flowing past, and simply disappear in time.

Or I would make small leaf boats, and set them sailing down the river, imagining that they would make their way all the way to the ocean before stopping.

I went back a few years ago, and walked all the way down the hidden path to that same rock.  It’s smaller now, having worn a bit, and the waters having risen, but it’s still just as magickal to me as it always was.  A place tucked out of sight, out of mind, and out of time.

Today, I have another special sanctuary.  A place that I retreat to when things get tough, or I simply need a moment, a breath, of silence and serenity.

A public park in my city.  This place is not large, but even though it’s in the center of the city, it’s almost eerily silent inside the park.  Roads run all the way around it, with a small river winding through it, and I spend a lot of time there during the nice months, walking through the small paths, sitting in the grass, and simply soaking up the peace.

Walking along the paths, you get to see the Canadian geese that fill the park from spring to fall, and you get to feed the little goslings, who are totally adorable, as long as you keep your distance, as the parents are pretty protective and very hissy.

There are also a multitude of red and black squirrels in the park, who are very bold, often to taking food right from your fingertips.

This place, this park, is a very special space.  And even though it’s a public park, I still feel like it’s all mine.  There’s a stillness, a silence, that fills me when I’m there, and it brings me a lot of serenity. 

The sanctuaries I’ve found have always been outdoors, close to the earth.  And knowing what I know now, about myself, my faith, it makes a lot of sense.  And so, I’ll leave you with this.  There are places on this earth; wonderful, peaceful, serene places.  And if you’re lucky enough to find one, mark it on your mental map.  Hold on to it.  Because this could become a sanctuary, a resting place, for you, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  And that – is a treasure.

P.S. And yes, I ate the other half of that cookie. He shared with me, after all.


One of my friends got me thinking really hard the other night about human nature.

How people never really change, but just become more fully who they were to begin with. 

I’ve been struggling lately, trying to reconcile past, with present, and future.  And Monday night, as I sat at my laptop, trying to write this post…. my computer froze solid.

Wouldn’t let me work on it at all.  I couldn’t chat with a friend, although I could see her attempt to contact me; I couldn’t search for something that I wanted to use in this post, even though I could type the words I was searching for in the google bar; and even the words that I did get written into the post, were gobbled up into the ether, which I’m now trying to reproduce.

I think it was the Fate’s way of telling me to “Sleep on it”.  And so, I did.

Truth is?  I don’t have any answers yet.  I know certain things about myself now, that I didn’t when this started, but I’m not 100% certain of where I’m going.  I do know, that I’m not done working on figuring it out.

I don’t know what the truth is, behind everything, yet.

But I know that I’ll find it.  Eventually.

I don’t know what’ll happen next.

But I know that I’ll be ready for it. 

I don’t know, whether my life will stay the same.

But I do know, that I will be stronger when I come out the other side.

I don’t know if this is simply the next step, the next test.

But I do know, that my balance has been wiped out for now.

All is chaos inside my brain.

But I’ll figure it out.

THIS is not my first “trial by fire”.  The Goddess has tested me before.  And I will figure out the path I need to follow.

It’s not about what’s “Fated”.  I believe that we create our own destiny. 

I also believe that people can and do change in their lives.  It happens every day. 

I used to be a mean, ornery, snotty, arrogant, angry girl.  You may not believe it, but I was.  I know it, because there are things in my past that I did… that were not nice.  I’ve had the opportunity to apologize for some of them, and it felt really good.  But I still did them, once upon a time.

I’m still ornery, but in a more zen kind of way.  There’s a snap of snark occasionally, but it’s not mean anymore.  I’ve changed.  I’ve grown up, and I’ve learned how to work through my life, without totally burning down everything around me. 

So, if I go quiet, please don’t fret.  I’m merely working through a particularly sticky part of the knot.  Most likely, I’ll be lurking, wandering through the shadows, muttering to myself and most likely pulling hair out in clumps.

I will be here.