Twenty-Four

Thoughtful moment: What do you write about when you’ve got nothing?  Crossed out sentences, deleted lines, if this had to be put down on paper, there’d be tears, smudge marks, and random, small holes from erasing and re-writing too many times.  I think I need to get out of the house, away from all the mundane stuff and drama in my household, and see something different.  I need to do something “different”, just to get the muse a shot in the arm. 

I’ve got one week left on this experiment, and I’m about tapped out for thoughtfulness.  (Does that mean my brain’s fried?  Well, I knew that a long time ago)

I need to get outside my comfort zone again, I think, and do something that will shake me a little.  Rattle the ole brain-box, and make me look at things with fresh eyes. 

Aw, crap.  One of the women in my office wants me to go do karaoke again this week….. that’s probably my best bet for shaking me up, considering my stage-fright.  Well, guess who’ll most likely be appearing soon on a karaoke stage nearby? 

I get stuck in such a rut sometimes, I get used to a certain routine, work, home, sleep… and around again.  I do get time to spend with the guy I’m dating, and that’s a great break-away from routine.  He pulls me outside my comfort zone; he shows me that the rut is a rather boring place to be, and you don’t have to be in it all the time. 

But the thoughtfulness stuff he makes me think about… is NSFW or K. 

So I’ll stick with the mundane, the “normal” stuff. 

And if… when… I get back up on stage, I’ll let you know how it goes.

Ten

I’ve been bombarded lately with a lot of issues revolving around “Saying what you mean”.

Friends who’ve come to me because someone is saying one thing to them, turning around and doing something else.

I’ve had someone pull it on me, too.

And it got me thinking.

(yeah, yeah, dangerous, where’s the smoke, I can hear the gears squealing…)

I used to fly off the handle over little things.  All. The. Time.

Someone would say something, I’d take it not just personally, but critically, and I’d explode instantly, raining fire and brimstone all over – not just the person who hurt me, but myself and anyone else within the vicinity.

The fallout parties were spectacular in their awfulness.

And I’d get a reply from the other person like “I didn’t mean it like that, you took it the wrong way.” 

I didn’t care, it hurt, so I would lash out and try to hurt them back, whether they deserved it or not.  And the other people who were near me would get hurt, because I was cranky, so I’d lash out at them too, and they almost certainly didn’t deserve it.

It was almost sociopathic.  Almost like a wounded animal, backed into a corner, would tear you to pieces whether you were trying to help or not.  Didn’t matter back then.

But I learned.

I grew up.

And now, after dealing with broken promises to my children from their paternal gene donor for years, I came to a conclusion.

Don’t say things you don’t mean.

Don’t let your mouth write checks you aren’t willing – or able – to cash.

If you can’t back up your words with honest action, then your words don’t mean anything.  I’m not saying that it’ll always work out.  I’m not that naive.  Sometimes, life just doesn’t let you keep promises, or fulfill actions.  Things get in the way.  I understand that.

But then, you need to own up to what’s happened.  And it needs to not be some lame-assed excuse, or fake, hypocritical, outright lie.

And if it happens too often, I’ll know you’re full of it, and stop believing what you say.  “Crying wolf” is not cute.

I’m not perfect.  I know this.  I still make mistakes, just like everybody.

But I also know that I don’t say things I don’t mean. 

I stop and think before I open my mouth.  At least I try really hard to.  Sometimes this means taking a break, backing away from a situation, sometimes for days… until I cool down, calm down, take a few deep breaths… and think through my reasonings as logically as I can.

I really don’t make promises, either.  Not unless I’m absolutely sure that I can fulfill it.  Ask my kids.

When we’d talk about doing something, or going somewhere it was always “We’ll see what we can do… we’ll try to… I can’t make a promise on this, but…”

And I’d do my damndest to work it out.

Because my word means something to me. 

I guess, what I’m trying to get across today, is that I don’t understand people who blithely let words pour out of their mouth and then turn around and say “I didn’t mean it like you took it… I said that, but… You took it wrong.”

When you say something to me, I am going to take it at face value.

If you don’t mean it – don’t say it.

 

 

 

Beginning

I’ve been looking around today, watching for that “something unique”.  Something to fill me with wonder and thoughtfulness.

I’d like to be able to say that it popped right out at me, jumped up, planted a big kiss on my forehead and said “it’s about time you noticed me!”, and filled me with warm, fuzzy feelings.

I’d like to be able to say that.

The reality is… I had a rough, emotionally draining night, last night. Warm fuzzy feelings were not readily available today.

But.

Today, my children came home from their separate holidays.  And one by one, as they came through the door, I started to feel lighter, warmer.  Even EldestDaughter will be here, along with her fiancée, and then my home will be full once again.  Alive with young, happy people. 

That is a wonderful, warm-fuzzy feeling.

My children regularly fill me with awe.  The way they see the world, individually and uniquely, is a gateway for me to see it through their eyes.  And that is enough for me, today.

The Goddess gifted me with the caretaking of these 3 beautiful people, and they still choose to share their worlds with me, inviting me into their lives and letting me love them with all I have inside. 

That is my wonder of the day.  Blessed Be.