Introvert Aftermath

Yesterday was the reunion. I was gone for about 12 hours, socializing & doing the expected “extrovert” stuff, by visiting the school, hanging out with classmates, making small talk with townspeople, etc.

I got home about midnight, & tried to stay up for a bit, to decompress. I wrote last night’s blog post, had something to snack on…and…crashed…hard.

Super hard.

As in – I woke up today somewhere between 12:30 and 1:00pm – hard.

I’m still exhausted, & can’t seem to gather enough energy to do more than sit upright.

My head hurts as though I were hungover, although I drank no alcohol.

My body feels as though I’d been dragged behind a truck for about 3 miles of bad road.

My phone has rung several times today, someone trying to get ahold of me to do a wedding this week, but I’ve had no energy to answer, much less the desire to be polite…considering the first phone call was placed at 8am this morning, & briefly woke me.

Who calls at 8am on a Sunday morning?

Ferfuckssake.

I’ll get back to this person tomorrow, when I have more energy, and less of a desire to snap his head off like a dandelion for being rude. (And for the short notice -he wants me to perform the wedding this week -during the week – as though I have nothing else to do – see why I’m waiting to respond? Me – cranky…)

This is what heavy socialization does to an introvert like myself.

It causes a complete shutdown, sometimes for hours, and sometimes…in severe cases, it can cause the shutdown to go on for days. 

It takes time, quiet, & space to recharge an introvert. I’ve expended every bit of my energy, reserves included, on what I did yesterday.

And I know I’m going to have to get up & go to work tomorrow – with work being handled by a skeleton crew.

*Sigh*

Early bedtime for me tonight…let’s just hope my insomnia lets me get a few hours uninterrupted so I can function.

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Starting From Zero

This time of year, I usually start to look inward, burrowing back into my turtle shell, & going even more introverted than normal.

(Yes, it’s possible, even with someone as non-social as me)

I’ve been exploring & studying more about the INFJ personality type, which is what I’m told I am.

And I’m learning that, I’m not “wrong”. I’m not “antisocial”. And I’m not something to be fixed.

I am fine the way I am. I like my space. I like being quiet, taking in my surroundings, listening to others more, when in a group setting, than in being talkative & social.

It’s not wrong that I don’t enjoy large crowds.

It’s not broken that I have a definite need to spend time alone to recharge after forcing myself to socialize.

It’s not sad, or tragic, or depressing that I have a small group of friends who I’m very close to, instead of a large contingent of “friendly acquaintances”.

There’s nothing broken, here, and I wish I could make certain people understand that. There’s no reason to try to change my personality or behaviors. Just because they don’t match what some think would be “better” for me.

The only person who knows what’s truly right for me is me.

But, these people who keep saying “You just need to get out there more”, & “Just be more friendly, smile more, be more of a morning person, you’ll feel better”.

No. I won’t.

That’s them, projecting what they want onto me.

That’s not me.

And I’m done placating them.

Be true to yourself. Whoever that is.

As long as your words & actions aren’t harming anyone else, then it’s not wrong.

This time of year, for me, is rather like starting from Zero. The year resets on Oct. 31, which is Pagan New Year, and I’m a clean slate. 

I feel as though my emotional batteries are bottomed out, which makes me want to “turtle up” even more. I need to recharge, reset my boundaries, my goals, my baselines.

So, having others tell me that they think there are things “wrong” with how I live my life…really twists the knife, right now.

I’m not having it.

I’m not broken.

I don’t need fixing, or changing.

And I won’t apologize for being who I am, anymore.