Backstory…

I’ve been here for a minute or two.

Actually, I’ve been blogging since 2008, but started on a different blogging format, and switched to WordPress when I found out that one of my favorite authors blogged over here.  I researched WP to see what made it different from the format I was on, decided I liked it better, & flipped.

That was in 2009. 

I originally started blogging due to a falling out I had with my brother. I won’t rehash it here and now, but, needless to say, it was the catalyst for the whole shebang.

I fell in love with the whole premise.

That I could write anything…. A.n.y.t.h.I.n.g. 

I could, quite metaphorically, scream into the darkness that comprises the internet, and watch my words get soaked up… People, actual real people would read what I wrote and would sometimes like it… And *whispering* sometimes they would reply…

I could write my stories, even just the snippets – which people referred to as “flash fiction”, a thing I hadn’t realized was even a thing, they’d read my poetry (even the old crappy high school stuff!) And I could tell about my kids, my animals, my penchant for staying up late at night to watch the fog roll down my street, or what the grass feels like between my toes on my front lawn.

My readers were there, following me, as I went through my painful divorce, and bolstered my confidence as I tried to break into the world of dating once again after so many years of being married.

They held me as I wept, while I relived the trauma of being molested by a trusted family friend as a teenager.

They laughed with me as I talked about the foibles & follies of raising teenagers as a once-again single mom.

And they have held my hand as I watched my last child walk to accept his high school diploma, & 2 days later, move out of my home & into his father’s.

I’ve written about so many different things that have happened in my life over the past few years, that to try to encapsulate it is laughable, but it’s as the tag line above says “It’s just Life – Messy and Random”.

(Which also describes the inside of my head)

I’ve made friends in the blogging world, some have stayed, others have faded, but all have taught me lessons. And I’ve read many other truly amazing blogs – again, some which still exist – some which are gone for good, sadly. 

There was even a time, for a couple of years, where I took a hiatus from this blog…split my focus to others, due to outside pressures over what I wrote here, but I eventually came back. Some of the old writing has been permanently deleted, gone into the ether. (Yeah, it can probably be viewed on the “Way Back Machine” website, but, most of it was crap anyway, which was why it was deleted, so why bother?)

But I’ve never swayed from my original purpose for this blog.

This is my journal.

It is my therapist, my workstation, my anvil.  It is where I come to pound out my words. The ones I cannot, or dare not, say out loud. The hard, painful words. The hidden words… Sometimes even hidden from myself, until I see them here…slipped unconsciously through my fingertips.

They get slapped down, heated, tempered, shaped, flipped over, sharpened, filed, heated & shaped again…until they’re perfect for cutting through the – bullshit.

They might not be everyone’s Truth…

But they are MY Truth.

This is why I blog.

This is my story.

I write to express, to shape, to purge & to figure myself out for myself.

If it causes enjoyment, thoughtfulness, sorrow, joy, laughter, or any other emotion for anyone else… That is not my original intent, but if someone else can relate to it – it makes me feel good too.

I’m still not done here.

As Granny Esmeralda Weatherwax from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books says…

“I ain’t dead yet”.

Empty the Nest?

How long do I tend the nest for a child who has already flown?

Here I sit, feeling like the worst mother in the world, right now. Tears pooling in my eyes as I type this, because I told OnlySon that I am planning on leaving North Dakota in a year, and he’s angry, albeit trying not to show it. 

He wants everything to remain the same forever, but that can’t happen. Life stagnates if left to sit too long with no forward motion.

And I have been sitting still for many years now, waiting for something to change.

I’m not happy here, anymore.

Too many heartaches and heartbreaks.

Not enough reasons to look forward to getting out of bed every morning.

So, why should I stay?

For a son who has moved in with his father & is now going to be starting a new life of his own, getting a job, being busy with that & dropping by when he needs a shower or to pick up something else I’m storing in my basement or his bedroom?

For a job, which, yes, I enjoy my work – but, let’s face facts, isn’t a life?

Let’s see… Hmm…

What else does North Dakota have to offer me?

Two ex- husbands, one within city limits, and the other an hour away… No, that’s OK.

I’ll pass.

No one has been able to come up with a compelling, or even logical, reason why I should stay beyond my timeline.

I can’t live for my children’s benefit forever. There comes a time when they have to spread their own wings and leave the nest.

This is the way of life.

Why should I stay?

Tell me. When I feel as though there’s nothing left here for me…

Why?

Soul Separation

Something seriously wrong happens to you when your soul separates into more than one piece.

Being a Gemini… This is a familiar, and uncomfortable, feeling for me.

I get too attached to the wrong people, sometimes.

I…have a tendency to let people into my life quickly, if they show me affection & appeal to my caretaker side. I’m a sucker for someone who needs a little TLC, and who doesn’t appreciate being taken care of every once in a while?

I have a soft spot for strays & those with sad eyes…the ones who have been hurt in the past, or are hurting now, and I want to jump in and bandage, comfort and fix.

But – that’s not always a good place for me to invest my emotions.

Because, once they’ve had their fill of coddling & cookies, they get up & walk away without a backward glance. Much like being discharged from the hospital, and not giving the nurses another thought once you’ve left the building.

Except, this nurse…thought there was a relationship there, and, much to her dismay, was quickly disabused of that notion when she was forgotten along with the rest.

Yeah, I was talking to someone.  The Dragon, from my past, who I had come back into contact with around New Year’s, &… I thought we had at least rekindled a friendship, becoming pen pals, at least.  For the last 5 years, I’ve held this man in such high regard that I’ve made him a member of my Chosen Family, which appellation only goes to a very select and small number. 

Namely him and one other, the Beloved Nephew.

There is no romantic relationship with this man, but he has had a huge impact on my life, even though he refuses to see it. 

And, for some reason, he seems to be afraid of this relationship, which baffles me, because I’ve never asked him for anything other than conversation, honesty, & friendship. That’s it.  

And it truly, deeply, hurts, that he seems to have disappeared again…

Leaving a portion of my soul, the piece that attached itself to him, as friend and family, floating, lost out there…aimless and alone.

How many separations can the soul survive… Before it gives up completely?

Or before it ices over?

I need to fix this.

And I believe the only way now…

Is to reunite with my soul-companion.

Beloved Nephew.

Soul-Companions are not romantic soul mates.  They are those people who come into your life – friend, family member – who just – so completely get you that there are no words necessary. They understand…everything…

They don’t always agree with you, but they understand.

You can, and usually do, tell them everything…down to the nitty gritty, the good, bad & ugly. They’ve seen you laugh till you weep, and they’ve held you as you cry till you collapse. They’ve talked you off the emotional ledges, and you’ve done the same for them, bringing the ice cream & booze for the pity parties. You’ve each laced up your “bitch boots” to stomp the crap out of someone who’s hurt your soul-companion, & you’d bring the shovel to bury the evidence without being asked.

There is an almost psychic bond between soul companions that is impossible to break.  Beloved Nephew & I often say we live inside each other’s heads more often than not. 

He’ll call me, out of the blue, because he feels like he needs to… And it’ll be exactly what I need, because I’ve had a rough day.

Or, I’ll text him something I’ve found online, because I know it’s something he needs, & he texts me back saying “How’d you KNOW I needed that RIGHT NOW!?!”

He moved down South to be near his family, while I’m still in the far North… And it hasn’t been easy being away from him.

Not just because we have fun hanging out together.

But because… He just gets it.

And I understand him.

And, I know… For the both of us, because we’ve discussed this, our souls need each other to heal, to grow & to find our next steps.

As family and as friends, and as Soul-Companions.

My timeline is set.

I have a goal.

I am moving forward.

Thanks, Though







And the stray gets put to the side of the road once again on the journey of life…

I’m used to it now.

The pain of being left behind…

The confusion as they leave, with no explanation, no thought of anyone else’s feelings, & just a merry wave…because, hey… She’s resilient… She’ll bounce right back & find someone else. 

They think that because they don’t see the brokenness that follows… The destruction of self I never allow anyone to see.

All they see is the mask & the automaton that goes through the daily motions, existing until I can rebuild from within, slowly, excruciatingly, piece by piece.

The only one who never left me…is the one I had to push away, because he was a toxic liar & chronic breaker of promises. And, is still stalking me to this day. 

Something seriously wrong with this picture.

And DON’T tell me “Well, maybe you just need some time alone”. 

Fuck that.

I’ve been alone for 6 years, considering how many times I’ve been dumped, ghosted, benched & dusted.

But, I’m fine. Just tired…

Thanks, though.

The First Night

The quality of the sound is different, somehow.

The sound of the absolute silence of my house, for this, the first night of me officially living alone.

OnlySon moved out on Monday.

And EldestDaughter left with her horde today.

I’ve had days & nights on my own before, sure. Plenty of them. OnlySon went practically every weekend to his father’s house. I’ve had summers without the kids since the divorce.

It’s not like I’ve never had the house to myself…

But it’s never been this official.

And a part of me feels as though I’ve been set adrift. 

Unmoored, I am not sure which direction I’m headed in now.

I no longer have children to raise.

I have no spouse or SO to share with or answer to.

Some might think this is a reason to celebrate, to cut loose & go all “Yay Me” all over the place.

But, that means…they don’t really understand who I am at my core.

I am a caretaker.

I like and thrive on having people I care about around me to share my life with, be they children, an SO, Chosen Family, you know…loved ones.

When I’m alone… 

There’s no one to care for.

And there’s no one here who cares for me…so…

What’s the sense in staying?

Time to figure out how to get gone.


Commencement

OnlySon has graduated.

It was a fairly quick ceremony, compared to both of my daughters’, inexplicably, as the class sizes were comparable, but for whatever reason, it went easier. Which was alright with me.

I teared up a couple of times, when they first walked up, realizing that this was my youngest, my baby…and he was now old enough to claim his high school diploma & entry into adulthood…leaving childhood behind.

And when he stood in line to await that diploma, that final walk before he left his mother’s care, and her home, to venture into the wide, wild world as his own man.

A Man in Motion.

He was not to be stopped.

With a grin on his face, he kept going…leaving me to find my own way from here on out.