Bottled up

I haven’t been sleeping well, some nights I don’t sleep at all. Literally.

As in, I’ve been pulling all-nighters, because I know I won’t be able to sleep.

I just lay in bed and stare at the walls, then get up, read a bit, try again to lay down, fail miserably, feel fucking stupid, and go back to my chair to read some more until it’s time to get ready for work.

No, this does not make for good days. I end up crashing in there, somewhere.

I get sick, like I did this week.

I try to stop the cycle, I’ve tried exercise, I put down the phone so I’m not staring at social media right before bed. I haven’t watched TV in, fuck, weeks.

I don’t drink caffeine, and I’ve stopped smoking. (Except for the odd stress smoke)

It’s my brain.

I’m all wrapped around my stress right now. I’ve got decisions that I’m supposed to be making, and things I’m supposed to be doing, that I’m not doing and my heart is starting to race just thinking about it.

I think I’m putting off the decisions and the things…because either way I end up deciding… someone I care about is going to feel hurt.

And that’s something I can’t stand to do.

Goddess, I know! All of this talk is so fucking vague… I can’t even come right out and just say it.

Everything is so bottled up inside me right now, and I feel as though I’m a chunk of cesium in water.

I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, either. Oh…stupid, surface shit, sure. I talk to the coworkers, but that’s work stuff, my mask is firmly nailed on, there.

But, to talk about scratching that surface? Letting anyone see what’s going on behind door number 1? That’s a big nopesicle.

I know I need to change something. Something’s going to have to give, or my brain will break, and not in a good way. (Is there a good way for that to happen? Like a pinata, would candy fall out? Streamers?)

I just…

Don’t know how to get out of this bottle without cracking the glass.

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So then there was this…

I know I’ve been talking a lot about being depressed, lately. I know it can get to be repetitive, but… That’s what happens with depression cycles.

You cycle, and cycle, and cycle…until something finally brings you out of it.

I’m not there yet.

laughing softly and ironically under my breath…

I just seem to keep getting pulled in by new cycles of dark.

*I recently realized that when my old phone had its “stroke” & I had to get my new one, I lost a good portion of the phone numbers in my address book. One of the numbers was my ex-husband, which I find ironic, but now, if my son is in trouble, I can’t get ahold of the ex to reach him. I don’t really want to ask my son for his number…but I probably should. Fuck.

I didn’t realize I’d lost these numbers until just recently…because I’d isolated myself so well, I don’t receive calls or texts from anyone but family anymore, really. Chosen family counts here.

*I was going to go to a drag show this last weekend, but my mom called with bad family news.

Her baby brother, my Uncle J, has had throat cancer for a while. He went through chemo & radiation, & they thought he’d gone into remission.

Well, it’s now back, and is in another place. He’s back in chemo, but is not doing as well this time around.

On top of that, his son, my cousin C, also has cancer. He has a very rare, and virulent, form of lung cancer.

They live in Iowa, and are treating in Rochester, which is an exemplary facility…

But, according to Mom, C has ONE CHANCE at treatment. If this treatment doesn’t work…

Folks…he’s only 31.

31.

My uncle and my cousin.

Father and son…both dealing with life-threatening diseases.

Where is the fucking sunshine again?

A Witch in the Forest Primeval

At Christmas, my daughters got me tickets to go out to visit my EldestDaughter & her family in Washington State.

The trip was this last weekend.

I was gone Friday through Monday, and it was…amazing.

This was my first view from the plane… Yeah, it was a wing seat, so?

Ironically, the last time I flew, I was pregnant with EldestDaughter… And this time, 28 years later, I was going to see her.

(And her husband, and my grandkids, yes. My other daughter & her boyfriend were going too, I met up with them in MSP/St.Paul!)

The trip was a whirlwind of sightseeing & visiting with the kids. I don’t know that I got to do a whole lot of sitting unless it was in the car, or in a chair to game with my grandson, Schnicklefritz. (We play Fallout 3 more or less together… I’m teaching a 7-yr. old the skills he needs to survive the Wasteland, don’t hate)

(Lots of “road” pictures, I miss tree variety…)

Skagit Valley Overlook. In the last picture, to the right, next to the trees, you can see the oyster farms, as the tide was out.

Schnicklefritz & MiniMoose (in the background) We went to a Mexican restaurant Saturday night for dinner. The food was excellent, had a meander through town with Youngerdaughter & her beau afterwards, then MOAR GAMING, saith the Schnicklefritz…

Sunday was a trip up towards the “pointy mountains”, as EldestDaughter called them, but they were pretty well hidden in the clouds. We did see Deception Pass. I was able to walk across the first walking bridge…but not the second one…

Ugh.

Even the first one made me nauseated.

No lie.

I just can’t do heights anymore.

As a kid, I used to climb like a monkey up & down the cliff behind our house in Iowa, using saplings like a ladder. I was fearless.

I’m not that kid, anymore.

But, being in Washington…was like stepping into a forest primeval.

Everything was so…lush…

The trees were coated in moss from roots to branches, the ground littered with huge ferns that trailed and meandered everywhere.

And everything seemed to be in bloom.

I wish I’d gotten more pictures, but my head was on a constant swivel, and things seemed to rush by so quickly. I just couldn’t take it all in.

The trip was over far too soon.

And now, I have a huge Schnicklefritz-sized hole in my heart again.

*sniffle*

Save me some sunflowers, Lil dude.

When it’s Dark, Look for Stars

I’m having a really hard time starting this post, because I’m crying while typing, so please forgive typos… I really want to get this out in one shot, though, so I’m gonna keep going.

Tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary of my sister/friend Midnite’s death.

It’s a big milestone, but it still doesn’t feel as though it’s been that long. It feels like yesterday, the way my pain rates right now.

I knew I was going to be walking into a dark place emotionally tonight when I got home.

And then, I stopped to get my mail.

Now, to back up a few days.

There’s a woman whose blog I follow, Jenny Lawson, otherwise known as The Bloggess .

On March 20th, she posted a blog about reaching out to others, and trying to bring some sunshine into their day. She opened her comments to her followers, and let us decide if we wanted to participate too, sending love to each other.

I admit, I picked a few, and sent some things out.

And, I participated, but didn’t really expect anything.

But – of all days…

Today…

I got 8 pieces – 8 PIECES of MAIL FROM STRANGERS.

Telling me I was worthy.

Telling me to keep going.

Telling me I was worth it.

Jenny Lawson…you don’t know me. You’ll probably never see this post, or know what you’ve really done for so many of your readers with your blog.

But, I’ll tell you this.

You will never know just how far your words can reach.

All the way into the darkness.

Confessional

I’m not Catholic, never have been, but I know what the confessional is for.

It’s supposed to be a place to lay your burdens (sins) before “God” and be forgiven for them. After, of course, being given “penance by the church representative, the priest.

Well, since I’m Pagan, I don’t believe in “sin”.

I do believe in personal responsibility.

But – I’m getting sidetracked, because I don’t really want to write this. Except, I have to.

I have to get these things out of my brain, and down onto the virtual paper, so they stop rattling around in my head, poisoning my thoughts.

I…have been in a severe depression for the last few months.

Most people who see me in my daily life would probably argue at this point, and say

“But you smile, you go to work, you joke around and talk!”

Ah…but did I really?

Compared to previous years, when I was actually active with friends…did I really interact with you?

Or was it a fleeting moment, a quick flash of a grin, and I turned away. A chuckle and I bent back to my work. A single joke in a day?

When was the last time you heard me speak first, without someone directly addressing me first?

If we are friends in real life, when was the last time I texted you first, and memes don’t count?

When was the last time you heard my ring tone on your phone?

If we’re internet friends (met through FB, or through blogging, when was the last time I actually interacted with someone interpersonally, and not just posting memes?

*waving all this away*

It’s not important if you can’t remember.

Because, I’ve been pushing people away, slowly, subtly, for months.

I’ve been isolating.

At least 3 or 4 times this winter…

I contemplated just ending it.

I have the drugs that could accomplish it.

Every time, I stepped back from that decision.

There are many reasons why I’ve come to this point. And it’s not something that can be “fixed” with a joke, or a pat on the back, or pity.

I don’t want anyone’s pity.

The music is helping, right now.

The music, the community I’ve come to find with it, it’s all helping.

It’s not the answer, but it helps mitigate some of the symptoms, so that’s something.

I can’t afford psychiatric treatment right now, so don’t, please.

I just needed to get some of this off my chest.

That’s what this blog is for, after all. It’s my place to scream into the darkness.

It just so happens,

Right now, the darkness…

Is me.

OT7

So, after the horrendous day today turned out to be, I needed my calming mechanism.

Music.

So I turned to the most logical choice for me, lately.

Yes, BTS.

I must have watched 8 or 9 videos, before I hit one that actually had the English lyrics transcribed on the screen…

And I lost it.

Please…if you do nothing else, go watch “Magic Shop”. It will go a long way towards explaining why I love these boys so much.

When they sing this in concert, the ARMY sings this with them. I’ve seen videos of it, and it’s an ocean of sound. The boys have actually cried on stage because of their fans. They truly do love their ARMY.

But here…let their words speak for themselves…

BTS – MAGIC SHOP (ENGLISH TRANSLATION) LYRICS

I know that you’re hesitating because even if you say the truth
In the end it will all return as scars
I’m not going to say anything blatant like “find strength”
I will let you hear my story, let you hear it

What did I say?
I said you’d win, didn’t I?
I couldn’t believe it (really)
Could I win it?
This miracle that isn’t a miracle
Did we make it?
(No) I was here
You were the one that made your way to me
I do believe your galaxy
I want to listen to your melody
Your stars in the Milky Way
Don’t forget that I found you anyways
At the end of my despair
You’re the last reason
For me who was standing at the edge of the cliff
Live

On days I hate being myself, days I want to disappear forever
Let’s make a door in your heart
Open the door and this place will await
It’s okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you

While drinking a glass of hot tea
And looking up at the Milky Way
You’ll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

Like a rose when blooming
Like cherry blossoms when being scattered in the wind
Like morning glory when fading
Like that beautiful moment
I always want to be the best
So I was impatient and always restless

Comparing myself with others became my daily life

My greed that was my weapon suffocated me and also became a leash
But looking back on it now, truthfully
I feel like it’s not true that I wanted to be the best
I wanted to become your comfort and move your heart
I want to take away your sadness, and pain

On days where I hate myself for being me, on days where I want to disappear forever
Let’s make a door. It’s in your heart
Open the door and this place will await
Magic Shop

While drinking a glass of hot tea
And looking up at the Milky Way
You’ll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

Would you believe me if I said that I was scared of everything too?
All the sincerity, the remaining times
All your answers are in this place you found
In your Milky Way, inside your heart

You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You found me. You knew me
You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You’ll find it, the galaxy inside you

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you Show you.

Do you understand how the words could shatter me?

Maybe not.

The next post might explain better…

Or worse.

I don’t know, anymore.

Hacked

So, I’m pretty sure my life got hacked.

Got a phone call today that really mowed me over and mulched me under.

I’m sitting here, shaking. If my life has been hacked as badly as I think it has, I’m pretty much screwed.

I don’t know what I’ll do.

I don’t…