Get up

I’m so tired today, and I don’t know why.

I was the same last night, and ended up falling asleep in my chair around 7:30, without even eating any supper. I thought it was just going to be a nap, you know, wake up at 10, or so, & have the energy to get up, do some cleaning, talk to my nephew, maybe even do some crafting or play Fallout4 for a while…

Nope.

I woke at about 10, alright, but it was only to text the nephew for a couple minutes, both of us expressing deep exhaustion, & a desire to crawl into bed.

Did I?

Not right away. I fought it, fought it hard, for a couple of hours, I really tried to wake myself back up. After all, I’d just had a 2&1/2 hour nap, right?

So I finally gave up, snuggled back into my chair with my blanket & a requisite ankle cat (she who rests at my feet), & dropped back off to sleep.

And scored another 7 hours of unconsciousness.

So why am I already contemplating a nap, today?

This is ridiculous.

JENNIFER.

GET. UP.

Dreamweaver

A symphony of sound, light, colors and movement, floating through a world seemingly without end, willing or not – we all dream eventually.
Dreams hold us all in their sway at some point.  Not knowing if we’re dreaming or awake, the images so vivid – so realistic – and sometimes… so terrifying.

I believe that most of the time, dreams are little more than our own brain’s way of dealing with all the stuff that is going on around us, every day.  It’s the culmination of the GIGO effect (Garbage In – Garbage Out).  All the information that you’ve had to deal with throughout the day, is revisited while you sleep.  Mashed up, and presented in a form that you identify with, it’s played out during your slumbers.

Either to delight, puzzle, or terrify you.

These dreams are more likely to be forgotten, or not remembered at all, once you awaken for the day.  It’s not that bad, your brain worked through the stuff it needed to, and you can now go on about your business.  And usually, you’ll feel better about a situation, or have an answer to a question that was puzzling you, or – if the dream was fear-inducing… you’ll be more alert and aware of what’s going on in that given situation.  It’s all good.

But – then there are the dreams that simply won’t leave you alone.

The ones that will wake you up out of a hard sleep – sweating, shaking, crying, or in more extreme cases, jumping out of bed, swinging at an invisible foe.

And the dreams that are so vivid, and so super-realistic, that you can’t forget them when you wake up.  These are the dreams that you want to lay back down and fall right back into them.  And that almost never works, so you end up sad/frustrated.

Some dreams are not just recycled garbage, waiting to be processed into something new and useful.

Some dreams are messages.

Whether from your own subconscious, or from an outside source, these dreams linger.  They haunt and stalk you.  Every time you close your eyes, night after night, for weeks on end, it’s the same thing… maybe there are small changes, but the root plot doesn’t alter its course. 

Sometimes it feels as though they hunt you.  Waiting for you to fall asleep, they lurk, ever in the shadows of your brain… and when you finally settle comfortably into the sleep/dream cycle… BAM!  There they are.

I’ve been having some of those lately.

I’m not quite sure what they mean… but I’m listening.  I’m aware, even if I’m not awake.

Sweet dreams.

Insomni-hunh?

I have been suffering from a mild form of insomnia for a long time now.

Trouble falling asleep.

Trouble staying asleep.

Trouble getting through the whole day without spacing out.

I know that I need to get more sleep, but when the time comes to go to bed, I yawn, I stretch, I find a comfortable position and snuggle up to my blankets and pillow…

And lie there, wide awake for a long time, before finally dozing off for a couple of hours.

Only to be woken up again, from a nightmare, or a noise, or just an uncomfortable shift in position.  I flip over, resituate, and try for sleep again.

To wake up a couple of hours later, yet again, even though it may be only for a brief moment, as I check the time.  If it says anything earlier than 7:00, I roll over and go back to sleep, or try to.

When the alarm goes off, I roll out of bed, exhausted and growly, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, not wanting to speak to anyone if I can help it.  Give me my Diet Coke and a couple of hours, and I’m fine – but first thing in the morning… grrr.

About 2:30 – 3ish, I hit the wall.  And maaayyybe catch a second wind somewhere a little later in the afternoon, or at least, around 9:00 in the evening. 

Barring allergies, which will make me not only exhausted, but extremely irritable and flash-tempered. 

On the weekends?  I don’t mind the insomnia, because it allows me to sit up, watching old movies, playing games, or writing.  And some of my best words happen at about 3 or 4 am on the weekends.  I get very lost in the fantasy-land in my head, where everything is slightly foggy and far-away. 

But during the week, this makes for some difficult days, struggling to just make it through till it’s time to leave for the evening.  I have to make sure and get up a few times, walk around the office, have interactions with people, just to wake up again – because after staring at the computer screen for a couple of hours, I feel like my eyes are burnt-sockets in my head.

I know the issues I face aren’t mine alone.  I know that others, friends, suffer from insomnia too.  I think part of the problem might be from SAD (seasonal affective disorder)  The lack of enough sunlight and warmth throws everything off.

But I can’t get right.  So I’ll struggle for a couple more months, fight my way out of this foggy bag of non-sleep.  And I’ll make it out the other side.

We play this game – sleep and I – every year.