Time Travel happens when you’re not looking, so wear sensible shoes

I lost my damned wifi password today.

And, of course, I never bothered to write it down for myself, because it was stored in my phone, so why bother, it was right there.

I wrote it down once for OnlySon, but, like all good tragedies, his room was struck by a cyclone before I could get to the Post-it note, and he’s not here to find the grumble-fucking thing for me.

ANY WHO…..

During my rip-tear-toss of a search around the house, I decided to try my rusty, trusty… (Drumroll please ****)

ADDRESS BOOK!!

YES, this is a thousand years old, the binding is cracked & in desperate need of some form of bonding agent, but!

It’s also a vehicle of time travel.

Honestly, I think I picked this book up at Ben Franklin in the little town I used to hang out in, my senior year of high school… It. Is. That. Old.

My Mom always told me to write addresses into these books in pencil. (wicked, morbid woman).

Because you know what pencil means…right??

TEMPORARY.

It makes my heart hurt & my brain ache, just thinking about all the names my mom would’ve had me erase from this book if I’d kept following her stricture.

But…I’m an ink-pen kinda girl.

Yeah, some of the names in my address book are written in pencil, but I’ve still never erased One.Damn.Name.

Not. One.

Ohhhh, I’ve scribbled out a few, hooo boy, yah I have.

But erased?

Nope.

My Grandma’s name, last home address and phone number are still written in this book, and she’s been gone a couple of years now.

My friend, Shane, he’s still in the book…and he passed away quite a few years ago from a cancerous brain tumor.

A great aunt & uncle, both passed, many years ago… Still in the book.

Friends I haven’t talked to in years, but if I saw them on the street tomorrow, I’d hug the crap out of them?

Still in the book.

Multiple addresses for my male sibling… Some crossed off, some not, none current. All still there.

People’s names, addresses, and/or phone numbers that I haven’t thought about or used in years, they’re probably no good anymore…

But when I look at their name in that old handwriting, I’m suddenly transported back to whatever time of my life that was, & remember that person.

And…in the back of the book…carefully scribbled

Anniversaries

Birthdays

Important numbers belonging to people I cannot forget – my children, my parents.

For a book small enough to easily fit in the back pocket of my jeans…

There’s a whole lot of living time crammed into those pages.

Step lively, step lightly, but step forward.

…

…….

…………

No, I never found the damned wifi password. I’ll call the cable co. tomorrow. Dammit.

It Has A Certain Ring To It…

I’ve been slightly obsessed with – rings – lately, & I don’t know why.

You see, I’ve never really been much of a jewelry person. Oh, I’ve always had a couple of pieces that I wear, ones that I rarely take off, like my pentacle necklace (representing my faith), & some tiny gold hoops that sit in the top cartilage of my left ear (pierced by my best friend shortly after high school).

And each piece of jewelry that I wear usually has a story behind it, a personal meaning for me, that is the reason it gets worn.

So, what’s the story behind my recent need to wear more & different rings? 

Not a clue. Really, it’s odd.

But, here’s a brief description of what I’m wearing on my hands right now, & what they each mean. (In no particular order of importance to me)

First up – Right hand:

Thumb – A sterling silver pentacle ring. Again, representative of my faith, & a daily reminder to myself to balance the elements of my life.

Index finger- triple fidget ring. This ring represents my kids to me. I have 3, & a lot of times, they make me fidgety.😜

Ring finger- sterling silver ring with oval amber stone. This stone for me represents healing & preservation of memories. 

Left Hand-

Thumb- electroplated sterling with cz & opal inlay stones. This ring I purchased through an introvert group page, and to me, it’s just really pretty & subtle, while having some “spark” to it. I love the blue-green tones of the opal.

Pinky – This has 2 rings. The first is a simple band of hematite, which is a protective stone that “bounces” outside negativity away from me. I have a tendency to pick up easily & take on other people’s emotional states if I’m not careful, so this is a necessary accessory for me.

The 2nd ring is a gold band with 7 white sapphires. This is extremely sentimentally important to me, as it was my sister, Midnite’s ring before she passed away in 2009. My beloved Nephew gave it to me after her passing, & I wear it in her honor.

Ring finger – sterling silver 2-strand braided band. No, I’m not married. This ring I specifically bought for myself. It reminds me that I am truly the only person I can always count on to take care of ME, and that I need to remember to rely on myself, have faith in myself & trust that I will always get through the tough times.

I’ve been let down, abandoned, hurt, mentally, physically, & sexually abused in my past. I’ve made it through everything. Yes, I have friends & family who’ve helped me in the past with dealing with some of those situations, but the one, constant thing in my life has always been – ME, obviously.

This ring is my reminder to never again put all my faith in someone else, or try to rely on believing that others will be there…because too many times, they haven’t been. It’s my “Stand tall on your own two” ring.

There are other rings I have, that I wear occasionally, but these are the semipermanent ones for now. This is the story I wear on my hands at the moment, & whether there’s anyone out there who sees these rings & “gets” this story – I know it. I’m living it. And this is my current expression of it.

On The Block

Something I discovered a few days ago…

Someone I considered a friend, at least, a friendly acquaintance, blocked me from her social media.

Why, you ask? 

Well, as to the actual reason, I couldn’t say, since she didn’t bother to drop me a note stating her reasoning.

But, I have my speculation.

This lady is someone I met through blogging, years ago.  She wrote a funny, sharp, & thoughtful blog , that I enjoyed thoroughly.  Always sarcastic, but never what I’d call “mean”, she’d talk about her past, her present, her job, boyfriend, vacations, pets, celebrity crushes, whatever struck her fancy.  And I’d laugh at every one because of her sharp & witty sense of humor.

She was also a former member of the military, with strong pro feelings about guns. (I’ve never had a problem with responsible gun ownership, & she’s definitely of that sort, so no worries right?)

Well, fast forward a couple 3 years or more, & she happened to post something about guns.. Something to do with the current stories of the government wanting to get rid of private persons owning semi-automatics. Nothing that would nornally ring my bell, but I read it, and noticed that there were an awful lot if commenters mocking people who were non-gun owners, nonmilitary, etc. 

So, I commented.  I stated that I had great respect for responsible gun owners, that I had nothing but love for our military, and that I, personally, was NOT a gun owner, of my own free will.  

Also, that I would never mock others who chose to think differently than I did, simply because of those beliefs. 

A few days later?

Poof.

My “friend” was no longer.

Welp. 

Guess that’ll teach me to be tolerant of people with ideas different than my own, won’t it?

Yeah, she has the right to have whatever people she wants on her social media, and I’ve purged mine from time to time as well.

But it would have been interesting to know her true reasoning behind putting my head on the block.

Dangit, I forgot the Title

My lilies are blooming, finally, in my flower garden!

Proof that I actually do have patience lurking somewhere inside my skin.

This variety is called “Forever Susan”, & I bought the bulbs online last fall, planted them after the first good frost, & waited until this week to see them!

Patience is not my strong suit, so I think it was pretty damned impressive that I got these to grow & bloom without losing my mind & either over-planting something else on top of these, or ripping them out when they didn’t come up after the last snow of the year melted away. 

My pumpkins are still growing, as well.  All the seeds I put down have sprouted, & the leaves are getting bigger.  No pumpkins yet, of course, as it’s still too early for that, but I’m hopeful.

And, I’m working on sculpting, again.  I’ll post pics when I’m done, but I’m making miniatures for trees to go in my shop.  Time to put some new stuff up, & hopefully generate some more interest.

Otherwise, life goes on.
Drama still exists.
And I’m still here, alone, but hanging on.
Permaneo.

A Start

Half days is a good place to start.

I went back to work today, feeling pretty good about my decision to start with half days.  And I think it went well.  I actually woke up before my alarm went off, so I was off to a better start than I thought.

About 10am, my lower back started to hurt, along with my abdomen, so I knew a full day wasn’t going to happen; & by 1pm, I was wiped, so I came home.

Wise choice, considering I fell asleep in my chair by 2, and slept till 5.

It continually frustrates me that I’m still getting so tired this quickly, but, I guess, since it’s still only been 3 1/2 weeks since the surgery, it isn’t unexpected.

By 6:30, I felt somewhat recovered from today, so, of course, I decided to push the envelope again, & started trimming the hedges that line one side of my property.

Yep, I’ll pay for that later.

But, fuck it.

They need doing, and I’m the one who’s here, so it’s got to be done.

Tonight, I’ll take a nice, long shower,  try to stretch out the kinks in my back & shoulders the hedge trimmer put there, & take my happy ass to bed a little earlier than normal.

Tomorrow, I’ll have to try to finish trimming, & see how far I can get on raking up the branches before my back gives out.  Yardwork never really seems to end when it’s high summer.

Speaking of which, HAPPY SUMMER SOLSTICE!!

Today was the longest day of the year, & tonight us a full moon… the Strawberry Moon, they call it, since this is when strawberries are going full force. 

And with the moon sliding into Sagittarius,  it’s the perfect time to set new goals, & take those first steps toward reaching them.

So, here I go, taking my first steps toward my new goals.

* Getting my normal life back (whatever normal means at this point).

* New craft projects, & revisiting some old ideas with a fresh perspective.

* Reclaiming who I am, and setting goals of where I want to be next year at this time.

Time to get started.

The Celebration of Her Graduation

Magna cum Laude!

Pain and Relief

“Have I seen you before?”
“No.”
“Hmm, you look familiar.”
“Well, you’ve seen my mom…”
“And her name?”
(I answer the question)
“Ahh, yes, I know her.  Now, I hear you’re in a lot of pain. Well, that’s understandable.  I’ve looked at your test results, and you have a significant cyst on your right ovary.  We’re going to take care of that.”

Tears of relief sprang to my eyes as I heard the doctor’s words.  The first person, well, the first doctor, anyway, to believe me, to really listen to what I was saying, and the first one to tell me that, not only is my problem more serious than any of the others stated, but he was going to make sure that it didn’t bother me anymore.

I’m still in pain for now.
But not for long.
Blessed Goddess, not for long.
Thank you, Dr. H.

You CAN Stop The Signal

Or, at least, I can.

*silence*

As for the vague Firefly reference, I’ve stopped the signal, sort of, at my house.

Ever since EldestDaughter & Schnicklefritz left last week, my house has been oddly quiet. Even more oddly than just the usual lack of kidly noises…

Because I haven’t turned on my TV in 8 days.

I know… odd.

I’m not much of a TV person, anyway, since I gave up cable last year, confining  my viewing to Netflix & movies from my own collection. And, I didn’t even really watch much of that, either, usually using it as just “background noise” while I worked on other things.

But I haven’t even played one of my games in that 8 days either – which for me, is odd. I love playing Fallout 3 or 4 after a rough day.  Taking down super mutants, raiders & deathclaws is a good de-stresser for me.

But, I’ve been too tired, I guess. Preferring the natural sounds of the birds chirping outside,  & my dog in the backyard,  barking into the air for no reason, it’s just…quiet.

It didn’t start out on purpose,  I swear. It was more or less just me, tired out after a long day at work. Hurting from the medical crap I still have plaguing me, & the combination of those things, plus the medications I take to mitigate both anxiety & pain… and you have insta-zombie.

Able to watch time whoosh by and disappear without lifting a finger.

And, then it’s bedtime for Bonzo.

So it just continued, night after night, me, staring my way through an evening, maybe working on a craft for a few minutes… but mostly, just…zoned.

Until, here we are. Day 8 of the Dead Zone.

Will it continue?
Will the TV ever live again?
Stay tuned, Mousketeers, and we’ll see you here – same bat time, same bat channel, later this week with an answer!

*cue white noise *

Checking In & Checking Out

A lot has happened in the last few days.
Here’s some of it.

**After the Great Phone Loss about a week and a half ago, I did get a replacement…
But I have since discovered that I’ve lost about 3/4 of the phone numbers & contacts that were in my old phone.

I guess that’ll learn me to write phone numbers down in an address book, & stop relying on having them in my phone.

** I spent most of Tuesday night in the local ER.  I’ve been in a lot of pain, due to my ovarian & kidney cysts, & have been having trouble getting a doctor to see me in a timely manner to discuss options.  So my regular doc suggested the ER, saying that there would be a ob/gyn on call, & I’d be seen.

Well, no.  The ob/gyn called in his recommendations, brushed me off, & told me to set up an appointment with his office… AFTER having a CT scan AND yet another ultrasound.

Only to tell me – that I have cysts.

Derp.

Cause I didn’t know that already.

And the cat turd on the sundae?

None of the ob/gyns can see me until MAY.

So I have to wait another month to even get in to see yet another doctor who’s going to tell me that my cysts are too small and unimportant to warrant surgery, and I can’t possibly be in this much pain.

“Beep”.

That’s the sound of me hitting rock bottom as I hang up on the doctor’s bitch secretary/nurse who told me that I should have called them months ago, since I’ve been suffering with this for 6 months or better.

As if I wasn’t in the middle of trying to get someone, anyone, to listen to me at that time.

(Ok, rant over…for now)

**I’m currently working on a wire tree for a friend of my parents who has bladder cancer.  I have finished a wire tree for a benefit at the end of April, that is being thrown for one of my uncles, who has esophageal cancer.  I’m hearing the “C” word waaay too often lately.

Purple wire, jade stone chips, all twined & tied onto a piece of cactus wood, & finished with a purple ribbon.

View of the “back side”.

And here’s one I finished for my nephew.  He ordered this so that he can gift it to someone else, & I’m pretty proud if this one.  The blue stones look great with the silver wire.

** And that’s about it for news I’m willing to talk about.  The rest is just… still being processed…so I’m just not ready to share yet. But, I most likely will before long, seeing as how I usually put most everything here, eventually.

That’s the news, goodnight.

Vindicated

*with the tune from Dashboard Confessional running in my head, I write*

I’ve finally got a diagnosis from my doctor!

After all the testing (4 ultrasounds & a urologist – ordered nuclear Lasix renal scan) I have finally been vindicated in my pain.

The doctors kept telling me “No, there’s nothing wrong with your kidney, aside from it being enlarged from the past issues, it’s functioning within normal parameters.” (Translation inside my head being – “You’re imagining it, there’s nothing wrong with you.”)

But this latest round of ultrasounds proved them wrong.

I actually have a cyst apiece on my right kidney & on my right ovary.

Exactly where I kept telling everyone I was hurting.

And yet, the doctor still wanted to put off doing anything about them. Because? Well, according to the Dr., there’s not much they normally do about cysts… or so the nurse told me over the phone.  

Unless, of course, my pain gets worse or more frequent.

“The pain can’t get more frequent,” I told her. “It’s every day, all day long.”

And it has gotten worse. 4 days now, and counting, of pain that has caused me to take the stronger pain-meds I hate taking, because they make me sleepy & I feel stupid when I’m on them. Foggy, slow & non compos mentis. But, in order to get through the day, I do what I have to.

So, the nurse set up another appointment for next Tuesday for me to discuss options with the doctor.

I can’t continue being in this kind of pain. It’s worn me down to the point where it’s interfering with my life, my work, & my sanity.  Either I need a better pain-treatment plan, so I can get back to functioning normally, or we need to discuss surgical options for removal.

And I feel guilty saying that I can’t deal with the constant pain, because I have friends & family members who have to deal with chronic pain. Worse than my own, I know, & it makes me feel as though I should be stronger, I should be “toughing it out”.

But I can’t.
It’s too much, overwhelming.
And I’m still trying to manage all of this on my own, which is difficult. Not having a life-partner to help me cope…hurts. No rock to lean on, just me & my shaky anxiety & depression. I have friends who are good cheerleaders, but it’s not quite the same as a life-mate you can cry to at 3 AM, or you can vent with after a disappointment, or they’ll go with you to the doctor, & stand up for you when you don’t have the strength to do it yourself.

But, somewhere down deep, is that “give- no-shits, take-no-prisoners” woman who refuses to give up.

Permaneo.  To last, to stand, to never give up.

So I stand, alone in my house, maybe, and shaking on the inside…

But I’m standing.
And I was right. I am vindicated.