Nothing seems to feel urgent, these days.
There is no motivation to rise, to overcome, to even continue, some days. I simply – exist – from one moment to the next.
All my fucks have flown, I have none left to give, so don’t ask for them, or try to figure out why I look at most things and people with a blank face.
I don’t write fiction these days.
I had a coworker turn to me the other day and tell me “You know, you’re so much prettier when you smile”.
I told her to bite me.
One, I had a massive headache, smiling was the last fucking thing on my list of shit to do.
Two, what the fuck do I care if she thinks I’m pretty or not?
I have no desire to make others happy. I couldn’t care less about that, right now.
I dress for work to be within the guidelines of the dresscode. It has nothing to do with whether I feel “pretty” or not. Sure, some articles of clothing are nicer than others, but I don’t choose them to impress the women I work with.
I wear makeup for myself, because it helps remind me to put on my “work mask”. The mask I wear to the office that most people see. The one that helps me do my job, & gets me the compliments about how good I am with customer service. The makeup is preparation & war paint.
I’m tired of people telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.
They don’t have any idea what I’m going through. They don’t care enough to actually ask, or stick around to find out the truth.
They’ve got their own lives, and more power to them, they’re out there living them.
But – don’t think that gives the right to start telling me how to live mine, or how I should be feeling, or doing something.
No false concern, either.
Don’t be suddenly all up in my face, because you’ve read this post, saying – how can I help? I’m here for you, just tell me what’s going on.”
Because, be honest with yourself here, if you gave a true shit about me, YOU’D BE IN MY LIFE AND YOU’D ALREADY KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON.
I sit inside my head, most days, staring at a blank, white wall.
And I can’t make myself give a fuck about moving for a better view.
What’s left? Everyone has either walked away, moved out, or died.
I just don’t feel.
And for me, that’s…pretty much it.