Whooo, doggies…

Sunday I spent the day doing yard work. 

It was about time, as I’d let things pile up, weeds were starting to seed out, the hedges were towering WAY over my head, and my lawn was finally starting to green up & grow, since we’d gotten a little bit of rain.

So, I plugged my ear buds in, pulled on my garden gloves, & got to work.

After mowing the front lawn, & a little of the back (my battery-powered mower’s battery gave out), I plugged the battery into the charger, hoisted my hedge trimmer, & decided to tackle the beast-mode hedges, starting from the back end near OnlySon’s bedroom.

Well…until the hornets decided they didn’t want me messing with their nest.

$&#%@%5#6$64-&#+%(#(#+%$!#!+%-#&@

Drop the hedge trimmer in my tracks & hightail it to the house, making sure the damned hell beasts don’t follow me inside, I raced for the bathroom to ice down my wounded self with cold water.

I’ve never run so fast in my ever-lovin’ life as I did after that first sting!

Holy Mother of Gods!

Luckily, the little winged bastard only nailed me through my glove, on my knuckle, so he really didn’t get me all that bad, but Holy Cheezits, it stung like a muther.

Yeah, I stayed inside the house for a while, laugh it up, Chuckles. I watched that front screen door like the NSA, waiting for those little pricks to stop swarming my porch, knowing they were there, mocking me, jeering & marking my front door with their angry little pheromones.

Screw them.

After getting a drink of water, & wiping the fear-stink off…

I went back outside to retrieve my property.

My hedge trimmer lay there in the grass like a lost orphan…

So I gingerly tiptoed over & gently pucked that poor baby up & cradled it in my arms.

Went to the other end of the hedge & started hacking.

Damn straight.

Of course, I only got halfway down the hedge before I started seeing the hazardous, little, yellow bouncers dancing gleefully in the leaves again.

Assholes.

Ok.

So…

To the backyard.

Plenty of trimming to do back there, too.

And, as I’m happily zipping along, cutting through the Queen Anne bush next to OnlySon’s bedroom window…

ZAP! FLASH!

Aw, shit.

I sliced halfway through my old extension cord, that someone had tossed into the bush.

*many, many bad words inserted here as the outlet goes dead*

Ok…Lucky for me, I’m a well grounded kind of gal.

No electrocution.

Yay me.

And, I have a backup extension cord that reaches around to the driveway outlet, which allows me to finish up, not only trimming the wayward bushes in the backyard, but use my electric chainsaw to get through a piece of the neighbor’s hedge that has made its way through my fence & is too big for the hedge trimmer.

And what do I find while trimming? 

A rogue plum tree… With plums hanging from it.

Wtf?

We used to have a plum tree, but it died years ago, & we cut it down, to the ground. This…has to be from one of the plums that fell off at some point, or got dropped by one of the kids, or some other weird coincidence. 

Anyway… I have a plum tree? I guess?

Okey dokey…

Oh yeah, Sunday bitch-slapped me, hard. 

Yes, indeed.

But, like the badass mofo that I am, I bounced back & kept right on diggin’ til I’d had my fill.

And that was right about the time I went in the house & realized that by cutting that extension cord, I’d blown a fuse in the house, cutting power to the kitchen, the living room, and the hallway…

*sigh*

Lunchtime Laughter

My Onlyson’s cat, Chloe, provided me with a much-welcomed dose of laughter today at lunch.

As I was preparing my lunch, our 2 cats came into the kitchen. They always seem to think that they have to eat when I do, so as I’m getting out my food & utensils, Chloe attempts to jump up on the counter where their food is. (Separate from my food counter, thanks)

I say “attempted”, because she failed, spectacularly. Here’s the set up:

Lidded garbage can sits in front of litter box, & both are next to the counter. Cat usually jumps from floor to garbage can, then to counter.

Cat fails to get all 4 paws on counter  at conclusion of second jump.

Cat scrabbles at counter, desperately holding on for feline life, even with front claws, cannot maintain grip.

Cat falls ass-first into litter box.

Human stands, watching, & general hilarity ensues.

The look of sheer horror on Chloe’s face as she slid closer & closer to falling completely was hilarious.

The face of utter disgust & humiliation on her face when her tush hit the litter (and the clumps kept within the box) was PRICELESS.

Immediate feline exit stage right.

Of course, a couple of minutes later, she thinks I’ve forgotten all about her debacle, so comes back to the kitchen to try again. This time she jumps directly from floor to counter, bypassing the offending garbage can she blames for her earlier failure.

I didn’t forget.  I just wanted a picture…

Now she hates me, too.

Witnesses die in their sleep all the time, right?

Anyone want a humiliated cat?

It’s That Time Again

The full moon is right around the corner.

Know how I know?

Stuff keeps going missing.

Little things, like my fingernail clipper, and my ear buds for my phone, a small ziploc baggie of hematite rings, & a stretchy headband I wear when I work out.

Now, I know I’ll find these things sooner or later, tucked under a chair, or peeking out from under one of the blankets on my bed, or maybe when I move the couch to mop this weekend.

And how do I know this?

Take a close look…

Those are teeth marks on that emery board.

Every month, right around the full moon, this happens.

The culprit?

Yes, Sally Jane. You. Don’t try to pawn me off with that “Who me?” look.

Psycho.

Snark Attack

​When your day has gone downhill

And you know you’ve had your fill
You just can’t take the shame
But they give you all the blame

When the fit hits the shan
And the odor fills the air,
Call me up, my dear friend
I’ll be right there.

Murphy always knows
Just how to make your day
He’ll promise you some joy
Then rip it all away

He’ll drop your drink
Put hair in your food
Split grocery bags
And ruin your mood.

So when you’re a’tweeting
Or blogging a post
Facebooking too
Please be a good host

Invite me to see
How you handle the gaffe
I promise to be there
I could use a good laugh!

Cause Murphy is well travelled,
He’s been all over town
And I know that you’ve met him
At some point, he’s knocked you down

So if you need a giggle,
I’ve got one that’ll suit just fine
You show me yours
And I’ll show you mine!

~Jen

 -Jan. 15, 2014

Gilmored

Ahhh, the Gilmore Girls.

Fast talking, sarcastic, intelligent, funny, and totally devoted to each other & the people they care about.
And one of the few TV shows that sucks me in, every time, no matter how often I’ve watched it.

I got stuck tonight, I tried to watch just one episode. 

Oh, God.

I can’t just watch one episode.

I should’ve known better.

I’m now 6 episodes deep, & I desperately need to go to bed…

But it’s the Bracebridge Dinner episode!

And it’s the beginning of the Luke and Lorelei romance, which is my favorite ‘ship of the show.

I mean… These 2, have the perfect blending of friendship, romantic affection, and “I won’t put up with your shit” for each other.  

No matter how many times I watch, it’s just… Gilmore magic.

Netflix, you’re just evil.

Cat

image

Chloe.
OnlySon’s cat.
Lapwarmer.
Irritating evening yowl-sounder.
Dog teaser.
Sleepmate.
Early morning tail-in-face flicker.
Catnip addict.
And when she visits the cat box….
The repository of dead, rotted souls.

Ah, gawd. The stench.

Eats the exact same food as my other cat, and yet… something inside this feline has died, and revisits us every time she evacuates her bowels.

Errrrrgh….*choke, gag*

Overheard Just Now

Sitting and reading this evening, my grandson (who I babysit on the weekends while his Mama works) has been watching videos on his Mama’s ipad, and I overheard him as he made a stop in the bathroom.

(He’s 4, and has now been potty trained for about 6 months)

Music is heard playing from said ipad, & he is dancing as he leaves the bathrom…

“I poo’ed, I peed, I poo’ed and peed, and nothing can stop me now!” He sings in his little boy voice…

Pride of accomplishment in his song…