In the Flames

I’m not really here today, I’m somewhere in between flame and ash. 

If you really, really want to know, look into the fire.

But I warned you.

Gapped Out Tuesday

Because my brain has gapped out, I need to post some funny pics I found around the web, today.  Hope you enjoy!

 

It's not easy being Barney

End of an Era

So EldestDaughter has plans to move out this weekend.  It’s the end of an era, folks. I created this video for her graduation, and felt the need to share it here.

Old Wounds in Present Tense

I’ve been having some difficulties lately, as I’m sure most of you who read this regularly are aware, there’s been some stress in the house.  Which in turn, due to my anxiety and depression, causes physical issues.

Due to the extreme stressful situation lately, the pains have been centering around my right kidney. 

When I was about 4 or 5, I had to have surgery to enlarge my urethra, the tube leading from the bladder out of the body.  I’d had chronic bladder and kidney infections as a kid, and the doctors figured it out and fixed it.  I do remember the teddy bear the candy stripers gave me, in fact, I still have it.I didn’t have any more troubles with this for a couple of decades.  Then I started having children.  This changes your body in many different ways, some pleasant, some not so much.

In 1996, I started having pains in my lower right side, almost like a runner’s cramp.  It would start as an ache, and move to a sharp pain.  I figured it was from sitting at my computer for too long in one position, so I didn’t worry about it. My mom, though had other ideas.  She’s a nurse.  “Get it checked” is the family motto.

They took x-rays and ran blood and urine tests.  I had the dreaded colonoscopy.  They poked, prodded and pushed.  Couldn’t figure out what was going on, so they kind of threw up their hands and wished me luck.  The pains came and went for 2 more years, getting progressively worse.

In 1997 and 1998, when I was pregnant with OnlySon, I spent at least 1/3 of my pregnancy in the hospital with this pain getting more and more debilitating.  After OnlySon was born, they ran A LOT more tests.  They were pretty sure it was my gall bladder, and talked about simply removing it.  By this time simply eating a salad or drinking half a beer would put me in the hospital with pain so severe I was almost incoherent with it.

Then I met Dr. M.  He was the urologist that my OtherHalf had for the big “V”, and I was referred to him for my troubles.  In 2001, after 5 years of pain, hospital visits, drugs, tests, more tests, he finally discovered the problem.  The ureter, the tube leading from the kidney to the bladder, was pinched almost shut  We went to stints, plastic tubes in the ureter, to drain the kidney, but this caused a whole host of other problems and pain.  They tried using a tiny balloon, and it too failed to do the job.  And then, I had the biggest episode yet, and was forced into the ER.  Dr. M. told me that he was going to do my surgery the following day, because any more of this and my kidney was going to turn septic and kill me.  We went into surgery, and he found that he hadn’t really identified the problem correctly.

I have too many parts.  Literally. 

On a “normal” kidney, there is one main artery that leads into and feeds the organ.  My right kidney?  Has 2 arteries leading to it.  And one of them was laying on the ureter, pinching it shut, and causing all the trouble.  He moved the ureter around and away from the artery, and I was done.  With a foot-long scar in my right side, and a lot less pain, I was happy.

But, now and again, when the stress is really high, and I’m struggling, it comes back.  I have a habit of repressing emotional distress until it bursts out -volcano style.  And when it’s really bad, the volcano lives in my kidney.

But just by writing this, by screaming out into the darkness of the blogosphere, I feel a little better.  This is my fumarole, if you will.  A place for the pain to escape, if only for the few minutes it took to write it all down. 

I know this hasn’t been my normal happy Friday post.  Sorry.

I can tell you though, when I told my parents about diagnosis?  My dad said I owed him for extra parts.  I told him I wanted a refund, due to manufacturer-faulty device.

We called it a draw.

Proof of Intelligent Life?

So a friend of mine, Mark over at The Idiot Speaketh, recently went blonde.  He’s now furiously working on his tan, lolling by the lakeside with his friends, the Canadian Snow Geese. 

I told him I was laughing to myself when he went blonde, and started making the requisite dumb blonde jokes about himself.

Here’s the reason why:  Guess who this is?

The disturbed kid on the left is my brother.  His face got messed up in an unfortunate t-shirt accident, and has been this way ever since.  Don’t judge.

I was born blonde, and have heard just about every blonde joke there is. 

When I turned 11, my hair started to darken, until it reached a mousy, sandy brown in high school.  Fortunately, Clairol has an App for that, and I’ve been a red-head since 1998, when OnlySon was born. 

So, Mark?  If I get out of hand with the blonde jokes?  Feel free to hold this up and remind me that “Blonde is a state of mind, not a hair color!”

Random Sarcasm 11/3/10

So, election day was yesterday across the nation, and yeah, I voted.

(Nope, all I’m gonna say about it, thanks.)

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Working on my story last night was great.  I’m getting about 2,000 words a day, so far, and I’m hopeful that I can hang onto that.  I’m going to shoot for more on the weekends, as I’ll have more time to devote to it.  The story seems to be coming of its own free will, and I’m not entirely sure where it’s headed, so that’s a good thing.  As long as the words keep coming, no matter the source, I’m happy. 

The “no editing” clause, though, is KILLING me.  My fingers itch when I see a phrase later that I want to change, or wipe out completely.  Drives me nuts to see something that could really be fixed or tightened up and not to make the changes.  Do they have an App for that on my Crackberry??

And, I’ve been reading some of the other WriMos out there, checking in and seeing how other people work.  So far, I’ve had some really nice people encouraging me, a few that talk about making “plans” and outlines (*shudder* I can’t plan these things, I just can’t), and a couple that really confuse me.  These poor people seem to think that this is about beating others up with how many words you’ve produced, “OOH, I’m up to 6,000 words, and it’s the first day, but, you know, I’m feeling just a little lazy today.”  Really?  Must mean that you decided to clean out your apartment in MOM’S BASEMENT today.  

It’s not a competition against anyone but yourself, people.  Get a clue.  Here, I’ll loan you a quarter, and you can CALL SOMEONE for a clue. 

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Found out yesterday that EldestDaughter has had some changes happen in her life lately.  Funny thing is, I found this out from my mother, who lives an hour away, but who talked to the kid yesterday, and drove her to an appointment.

Eldest has a new boyfriend.  Yippee.  Life is all butterflies and puppies for her now, even though she’s swimming in debt, has no job, no car (it’s still not running after an accident a month ago), and has to complete 80 hours of community service from her legal troubles in May, and they have to be done by Dec. 31.  But hey – she has a boyfriend! *cue shower of purple heart sparkles* so all is “well”.

*Place bucket in middle of busy street, place head firmly in bucket, wait.

Eldest is also, supposedly, planning on moving out, starting this weekend.  After cornering her last night and asking her about it, I learned that she’s moving in with a friend that’s still in high school, and her father, and his girlfriend.  Cause THAT’s gonna work.  I know, the negativity won’t help the kid get back on the right track.  Children need positive reinforcement, right?  Well, I’m positive that eventually, this arrangement is going to go up in flames.  But, she’s 19, and mom doesn’t know squat.

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Went to the grocery store last night for a couple of things, and stopped in the middle of an aisle, to hear the end of “Jingle Bells” over the store radio.  Really??  Halloween is barely over, and Thanksgiving is still almost a month away.  CHRISTMAS MUSIC??? ack. 

Why such a rush to get to Christmas?  Can’t we all just agree that stuffing yourself, and indulging in one of the 7 deadly sins, gluttony,  is more important than spending all the money you made this year on wrapping paper and scotch tape, only to throw it all away at the end of the night in the yard-sized garbage bags you bought for just that occasion?  Yeah, I thought so, bring on the turkey, fatman.

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Next month marks the 1-year anniversary of this blog.  I can’t believe it’s been that long already.  Wow.  Is there some protocol for this?  Am I supposed to do the “very special memories” episode?  Is there supposed to be cake?  I can do cake.

Ghosts of Halloween Past

Image by robot_zombie_monkey via Flickr

I’ve always loved Halloween.  Ever since I was a little kid, and my brother and I would take off with our best friends (who also happened to be brother and sister) and run all over town to trick-or-treat.  We lived in Iowa at the time, and it was always warm enough there to just wear our costumes for the candy raid. 

One year, we even had a song that we sang for people that gave us candy.

We were the frickin’ geek squad.

When we moved to North Dakota, however, that all changed.  North Dakota, if you don’t already know is COLD in October.  This morning when I got up it was 33 degrees.  And Halloween, traditionally, falls about the same time as the first snow of the year. 

Imagine, finding the perfect costume for Halloween, just what you’d been looking for, in just the right size – and having to put on a freaking snowsuit underneath it.  It doesn’t matter what the costume looked like before you put it on – after the snowsuit, it all looks like either the Michelin Man, or the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.  Either way?  Not a flattering look.

Or, you could be a total rebel, and just wear the costume.  By it’s thin poly-blend self.  In 30 degree weather, or less.  At night.  In the snow.

If I end up at the ER on halloween, I want it to be for a raging stomach-ache from too much candy, not from hypothermia or frost bite.  Thanks.

Of course, since my kids have always lived in North Dakota, and rarely get to know the joy of dressing light for Halloween, they’re used to the “run for it” routine.

Here are some pictures from Halloweens past. 

The Lion "Queen"

 

Rapunzel, and her Prince Ken Charming

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grouchy Old Lady and Fairy Princess

 

 

Again with Fairy Princess, and the Grim Reaper.1

Friday Filosophy.2 10/29/10

So in my own “Gemini-split-personality” way, I’ve split this holiday into two distinct and separate things.

Halloween, as I’ve already explained is more about the kids, the costumes, the candy.

Samhain, however, is more about the unseen, the unexplained.

I was asked this year if I was going to be doing a public ritual to celebrate the holiday.  I told the ones asking that I keep Samhain as a “family” night, and that it is a private celebration.  I normally do the “kids, kandy and kostume” thing early on in the evening, but once that is over, and the kids are all tucked safely in their beds, this is when the real Spirit of Samhain takes over for me.

Samhain is, for me, a quiet celebration.  It’s a night when the veil between the worlds is so thin, that you can almost, but not quite, see through to the other side.  Spirits of loved ones passed over can cross back and share space with you, sometimes talking, sometimes simply being together again. 

It’s a time to sit in the dark, in the quiet stillness, and gaze into the flickering candlelight, letting yourself go, stretching your spirit out, communing with the Goddess and God.  It’s a turning point on the Wheel of the Year, signaling a return to darkness and introspection.

It’s a night to take stock of what you’ve accomplished over the year, “count the harvest”, so to speak, and prepare for the winter to come.  Time to plan, to accomplish that which can be accomplished, to set aside that which must wait, and to dream of what can be.

And it’s a time to be silent.  As though Nature holds its breath, just for a moment, and all is suspended, poised for the Wheel to begin turning again, when dawn breaks.

Phriday Philosophy 10/29/10

 

What does Halloween mean to people these days?  Well, for me, Halloween and Samhain, even though they fall on the same day, are 2 very different things.  Samhain is for me very spiritual and religious, so today, I’m talking about Halloween.  The candy and costume holiday.

Well, for most kids, it’s about being able to play dress-up, run around the neighborhood, knocking on everyone’s doors, and getting paid (in candy, most kids’ favorite currency) to pretend. 

For some, it’s about playing pranks around the neighborhood, and getting away with it, for the most part, because even though the cops are out in full force, there

 are so many people in costumes, it’s hard to find that particular ghost that smashed the pumpkins outside your house.

For most parents, it’s about hauling your children all over town, waiting while they knock and get their stash of sugary goodness, and helping them cull the candy from the pencils and stickers when they get home.  It’s about taking your kids out to the local airport to get the candy run through the x-ray machine to make sure there are no “poison apples” in the bag.  It’s about making sure it’s a safe, fun holiday for the munchkins. 

Eldest - unzipped

For some, it’s all about the spooky movies and the TV shows about haunted places.  OtherHalf is in absolute heaven at this time of year, as he gets to watch all his favorites, plus all the spooktacular shows that appear on television this time of year.  Monster-junkie, that one.

As for me?  Well, I’m a mom, so I get in on the costume end of things, helping the kidlets find their “persona” for the big day.  Sometimes, it’s about finding the right thing online, or making something that just “makes” the costume, or just getting the makeup right.

Punk Bunny

Sometimes, it’s about giving them an idea, and letting them run willy-nilly through the house with it, searching for all the parts to make it look different and cool.

 

Sometimes, it’s about helping them find just that right prop that will change a costume they’ve worn for 3 years running.

OnlySon - the Reaper's brother

 

It’s about driving all over the countryside, so the kids get a good “haul” in their bags.

 

And it’s about making sure that they don’t eat ANY of it, till we get home and check through it.

 

It’s about not snitching from the candy pile on the floor, cause they’ll share.  Honest.

 

 

And it’s about remembering the real reason I celebrate Halloween.  Keeping my children young – one more year.

 

 

Daughters of Mars

The saying goes “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” 

Throughout my life, I’ve had people that have played large roles in helping me define who and what I am.  I’ve always been drawn to people with creative leanings – writers, artists, musicians, and crafters.  And each of these people has taught me valuable lessons about what I’m capable of, how far I can take my potential, and where the lines are that I draw in the sands of my life.

And two of the people who helped me define and break through the boundaries of who I am have their birthday today.

This time of year is ruled by the astrological symbol of Scorpio.  Passionate, strong-willed, obstinate and creative, magnetic and outspoken.  They are Daughters of Mars.

Each one of them was instrumental and strongly influential at different times in my life. 

In high school, I was an outsider.  An academic, with a love for horseback riding and fantasy books, I had no athletic ability at all.  Living in a small town, this was a big black mark on my record.

But in 8th grade, a girl moved to town that made it all bearable.  She was athletically talented, but she was also wicked smart, and had a finely twisted sense of humor and creativity that most of the others didn’t know how to handle.  She was artistic and knew that the world was not just our tiny village, but that there were other places, wider spaces, to be explored. 

She taught me that there were no limits to what I could do.  She opened up a world of possibilities (although she could never make me coordinated, gym class was hell, thanks), and taught me how to come out of my shy, nerdy shell.  She laughed at my one-liners, and encouraged my writing.  She helped me finely tune my sense of sarcasm into a razor sharp tool that later earned me the name of the “Dragon Lady” among our friends.

She was my best friend for 13 years, when we fell out of touch.  Life happens when you’re looking the other way, and we both had things we had to do, separately.  Recently, we have gotten back in touch, and it’s wonderful, rediscovering things that had been put aside for so long.

Midnite was the other strong Scorpio in my life.  She and I became friends about 7 years ago.  It was a time in my life where I was redefining my place in my community.  It was her that taught me how to teach others what I know, and to be willing to stand up in front of a group and lead.  She showed me how to be of greater service to others, sheerly for the joy of helping.  She and I were pretty much joined at the hip *laughing at self* and even when we fought like cats and dogs (which we did, regularly), we still spoke at least 3 times a week.  She pushed me harder than almost anyone else in my life ever has, and made me realize that life is too short to have regrets.

She also taught me about loss. 

Both of these women were born fighters.  They each had their battles in life, and I’m proud that I was able to be friends with them for some of them, stand at their backs for part of the war. 

Happy birthday, Daughters of Mars.  May your stars shine brightly on the battlefield, and blind your enemies with your brilliance.